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Hawkes Bay
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Topic # 16955 5-Nov-2007 17:45 Send private message

Post your jokes. Watch your language. It's a family show (consider it to be about R13). Take your discussions elsewhere - its a joke thread, not a soapbox thread!! If you are new forum user, this is an easy way to get involved on the forums BUT you still have to post on the introductions forum, or we will ziggle your woggle with a moggelllated figgle.


An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather large
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...'Go and get your mother.'





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362 posts

Ultimate Geek

Trusted

  Reply # 93828 5-Nov-2007 19:04 Send private message

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done
his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any
breakfast.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way
across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and says, "Are you going to tell
him, or shall I?"

729 posts

Ultimate Geek

Trusted

  Reply # 93829 5-Nov-2007 19:06 Send private message

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and
looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits
next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard
says
his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.


The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds
the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up
and
says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did
you drink?!!"







588 posts

Ultimate Geek

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  Reply # 93864 5-Nov-2007 22:05 Send private message

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!     Tongue out (and the cheese award goes to...)




Post-geek, opinionated mediaphile, and natural born cynic. Jack of all genres, master of none.

510 posts

Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 93874 5-Nov-2007 22:52 Send private message

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"





"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." -
  --  Abraham lincoln

178 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 94002 6-Nov-2007 19:29 Send private message

how to keep an idiot waiting ??   

I will tell you tomorrow.   




135 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 94068 7-Nov-2007 12:42 Send private message

How do you tittilate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

362 posts

Ultimate Geek

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  Reply # 94073 7-Nov-2007 13:17 Send private message

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Wob

309 posts

Ultimate Geek

NBN Co

  Reply # 94236 8-Nov-2007 09:57 Send private message

The polar bear family were walking accross the frozen tundra - father, mother and baby polar bears.

Baby polar bear says, "Mum, am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes dear, you are a real polar bear"

The family walks on a bit further, then the baby polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes son, you are definitely a real polar bear"

Thay all continue walking, and after a while the baby polar bear says, "Mum, are you sure that I'm a real polar bear?"

"Yes you are a real polar bear" says his mother getting a little irritated now.

Another half hour goes by, and then the baby polar bear says to his father, "Dad, am I really a real polar bear?"

Father polar bear is getting really annoyed with his offspring, and says, "Son, I can definitely verify and guarantee that you are a real polar bear. I'm a real polar bear, your mother is a real polar bear, our parents were real polar bears and so were their parents. You are a 100%, Arctic born and bred real polar bear! Why do you keep asking if you're a real polar bear?"

"I'm f*%$#@g freezing!!"



















Now based in Perth WA.

Check out my blog, and photos I have taken in my travels.

Any comments or posts are not necessarily the opinion of my employer - who are bloody marvelous by the way.

307 posts

Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 94250 8-Nov-2007 12:09 Send private message

A 95 year old man and his 93 year old wife turn up at the family law court for a divorce.  The judge is dumbstruck and asks why it is that now they want a divorce.  Husband tells the judge that he has always hated the wife.  Wife says that she has not been able to tolerate the man since their first child was born.  'Why wait so long?' the judge asks.

'We wanted to wait until the children were dead,' replies the husband.

Notice the correct punctuation...

3 posts

Wannabe Geek


  Reply # 94262 8-Nov-2007 13:17 Send private message

Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend. “Poor Mollie,” said the first woman, looking down at the body, “she had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she married Johnny, who was even worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died, too. And now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids.”

“Well, at least they are together at last,” replied the second woman.

“You mean together in Heaven?” asked the first woman. “But is Mollie together with Mike or with Johnny?”

“I was referring to her legs.”


72 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 96404 22-Nov-2007 15:23

Three Australians and three Kiwis are traveling by train to a cricket

match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the

three Kiwis buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one

of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but

all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket

please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in

hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the

game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some

money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return

trip.

To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed

Aussie.

"Watch and learn," answers a Kiwi.

When they board the train, the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon

after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks over to

the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket please."



799 posts

Ultimate Geek

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  Reply # 96411 22-Nov-2007 15:58 Send private message





Regards,
Chaks

Desktop : Intel Quad Core Q9400 2.66GHz - 8GB RAM - 500 GB + 500 GB HDD - NVidia GeForce 9800GT - LG246WH Flatron Display - Windows Server 2008 R2 Enterprise with Hyper-V
Virtual Machine : Powered by Hyper-V and VMWare Workstation
Laptop: HP dv7-3004TX Entertainment Notebook PC | HP Touchsmart tx2 1119au - Windows 7 Ultimate x64
Mac: iMac 21.5" Snow Leopard
Mobile : iPhone 3GS

174 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 96584 23-Nov-2007 15:42 Send private message

Lifted off Sideswipe of the NZ Herald:

Dr Mark MacDonald tells the worldwide web of his funniest moment in medicine: "A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one."

38 posts

Geek
Inactive user


  Reply # 96600 23-Nov-2007 17:22 Send private message

A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".

72 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 96603 23-Nov-2007 17:27 Send private message


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