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  Reply # 353560 19-Jul-2010 19:20 Send private message

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.
Wake up says Mick, are you mad!!!!
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

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Reply # 353574 19-Jul-2010 19:53 Send private message

vexxxboy: Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.
Wake up says Mick, are you mad!!!!
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.


http://www.geekzone.co.nz/forums.asp?forumid=48&topicid=16955&page_no=10#347347

1st times funny
2nd time isnt
3rd time is a kick up the arse

126 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 354635 21-Jul-2010 21:54 Send private message

Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

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  Reply # 354821 22-Jul-2010 11:37 Send private message

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then he made the earth round.

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Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 358437 29-Jul-2010 14:46 Send private message

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!




Worst Response To A Crisis:
From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"



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  Reply # 358445 29-Jul-2010 15:05 Send private message

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a
guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."

He said, "No, just takin' a crap."

Wob

309 posts

Ultimate Geek

NBN Co

  Reply # 358457 29-Jul-2010 15:29 Send private message





Interpreting Terrorist Alert Levels Around the World:

 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.  It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".  Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".   So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.





 

 



















Now based in Perth WA.

Check out my blog, and photos I have taken in my travels.

Any comments or posts are not necessarily the opinion of my employer - who are bloody marvelous by the way.

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Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 363251 4-Aug-2010 21:03 Send private message

A golf pro watches a man steam off the eighteenth green at the local course. He said, "been a hard day out there, has it?"
The golfer replies, "You don't know the half of it. I only hit two good balls all day; that was when I stepped on the rake, coming out of the bunker!"




Silverstone LC14 HTPC Case/Intel E4600 CPU/GA-EP35-DS3 MOBO/Asus EN9500GT graphics/2GB RAM/total 2TB HDD space/HVR-2200 & 2X 150MCE tuner cards/LG GGC-H20L BD Drive/MCE2005/Mediaportal/TVServer 1.1.0Final/LG 55"3D LED-TV/Denon AVR-1803 receiver/X1 projector

722 posts

Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 363258 4-Aug-2010 21:10 Send private message

freitasm: Dear Grim Reaper,

This year you have taken my favourite male actor, Patrick Swayze. You also took my favourite female actor, Farrah Fawcett Major and my favourite entertainer and dancer, Michael Jackson.

I want to be sure you know that Hone Harawera is my favorite politician.
It's amazing how certain things can still be totally relevant at later times. I had a good laugh on this one. thanks, Mauricio.




Silverstone LC14 HTPC Case/Intel E4600 CPU/GA-EP35-DS3 MOBO/Asus EN9500GT graphics/2GB RAM/total 2TB HDD space/HVR-2200 & 2X 150MCE tuner cards/LG GGC-H20L BD Drive/MCE2005/Mediaportal/TVServer 1.1.0Final/LG 55"3D LED-TV/Denon AVR-1803 receiver/X1 projector

722 posts

Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 363821 5-Aug-2010 18:48 Send private message

I'll let you make your own minds on this one:








Silverstone LC14 HTPC Case/Intel E4600 CPU/GA-EP35-DS3 MOBO/Asus EN9500GT graphics/2GB RAM/total 2TB HDD space/HVR-2200 & 2X 150MCE tuner cards/LG GGC-H20L BD Drive/MCE2005/Mediaportal/TVServer 1.1.0Final/LG 55"3D LED-TV/Denon AVR-1803 receiver/X1 projector

BDFL
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  Reply # 364025 6-Aug-2010 08:06 Send private message

Our politicians? Perhaps Ms Keddgley attacking the evil dihydrogen oxide?




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Wannabe Geek


  Reply # 364215 6-Aug-2010 13:14 Send private message

Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction.. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

6 posts

Wannabe Geek


  Reply # 367373 13-Aug-2010 21:27 Send private message

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters

BDFL
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  Reply # 409367 25-Nov-2010 11:04 Send private message

"WARNING. There is an e mail going around with subject heading: NUDE PHOTO OF SUSAN BOYLE. DO NOT OPEN IT, it's a nude photo of Susan Boyle!"

(or what is seen cannot be unseen)...






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  Reply # 409414 25-Nov-2010 12:22 Send private message

Paddy applies for a job with a blacksmith. Smithy says: " 'Ave ya 'ad any experience shoein' 'orses?".

Paddy replies: "Ah noo - but I once told a donkey to feck-off!"

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