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119 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 409424 25-Nov-2010 12:36 Send private message

One from my kids - - -

Whats black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra 

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  Reply # 409468 25-Nov-2010 14:12 Send private message

Actress Farah Fawcett married actor Lee Majors and became Farah Fawcett-Majors.

What would she have been called if she had married double VC-awarded Kiwi soldier, Charles Upham?

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Master Geek

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  Reply # 409574 25-Nov-2010 18:12 Send private message

Review of 2008: blonde's year in review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open..

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!




Any opinions expressed on Geekzone are my own and not those of my employer.

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Master Geek

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  Reply # 409576 25-Nov-2010 18:16 Send private message

'Continuous Improvement'

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland.
They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the mountainside.
The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem.
They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know" said the manager.
"Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way".
"No" said the hardware engineer.
"I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way".
"Wait" said the software engineer.
"Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"




Any opinions expressed on Geekzone are my own and not those of my employer.

93 posts

Master Geek

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  Reply # 409578 25-Nov-2010 18:21 Send private message

Jack woke up with a killer hangover the morning after attending his firms Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30am. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them, a little vase of sweet peas freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw the following post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling!'

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table ?250
Hot Breakfast ?3.50
Two Aspirins 20c

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS




Any opinions expressed on Geekzone are my own and not those of my employer.

93 posts

Master Geek

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  Reply # 409585 25-Nov-2010 18:35 Send private message

One more :) ........................

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies;

'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again;
'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly.......

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'




Any opinions expressed on Geekzone are my own and not those of my employer.

xpd

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  Reply # 431355 26-Jan-2011 12:30 Send private message

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the
cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me
back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that
time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local
council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door.
As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply,
'I know. I already got that side.'


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...




XPD / @DemiseNZ / Gavin
 
Check out "Like A Storm" - Official Site

GPKC GTA5 Crew - Fun, social, NZ based

Corsair Carbide SPEC-02 / Corsair VS550 / G.SKILL Ripjaws X 8GB / ASUS 260X / ASUS H81M-E / Intel Pentium K Anniversay G3258



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  Reply # 431391 26-Jan-2011 13:41 Send private message

Divorce VS Murder ?


A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."





Michael Skyrme - Instrumentation & Controls

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Master Geek
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  Reply # 431392 26-Jan-2011 13:44 Send private message

Hmmm, I had a quick scan through, don't think this one is here yet...

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "Might I ask what the turkey did?"





Michael Skyrme - Instrumentation & Controls

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Master Geek
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  Reply # 431395 26-Jan-2011 13:50 Send private message

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears. Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."




Michael Skyrme - Instrumentation & Controls

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Master Geek
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  Reply # 431404 26-Jan-2011 14:09 Send private message

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."





Michael Skyrme - Instrumentation & Controls

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  Reply # 432195 28-Jan-2011 13:46 Send private message

"Knock, Knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting c..."

"MOOOOOOOOOO!"




Asus eee pad transformer
iPod 2G
Windows 7 PC
Lots and lots of Nikon camera gear

xpd

GTA5 Nut
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  Reply # 432199 28-Jan-2011 13:54 Send private message

Blonde and a redhead are walking through a park and the redhead sees a dead bird on the path ahead
"Oh poor dead bird" she says
The blonde looks up and says "where ?"




XPD / @DemiseNZ / Gavin
 
Check out "Like A Storm" - Official Site

GPKC GTA5 Crew - Fun, social, NZ based

Corsair Carbide SPEC-02 / Corsair VS550 / G.SKILL Ripjaws X 8GB / ASUS 260X / ASUS H81M-E / Intel Pentium K Anniversay G3258



114 posts

Master Geek


  Reply # 433491 1-Feb-2011 01:34 Send private message

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on 
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and 
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. 
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 
2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year 
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They 
will probably take it. I f not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if 
it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him 
in astonishment, mouths agape..

The wonderful husband turns and asks:

"Anybody know who's phone this is?"

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  Reply # 471870 21-May-2011 10:58 Send private message

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Super 14 5.0, Springbok 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

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