General Mental Health Thread

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#3017443 5-Jan-2023 15:53

GV27:
Been struggling a bit with the uncertainty aspect of life atm. We are looking to move - our area has gotten drastically worse in the post-Covid area, partner can't take the stroller up to the shops and still feel safe. Deep in my bones I know this is almost the worst possible time to be considering moving (high interest rates and house prices haven't really fallen much yet) but we don't have a choice.

I'm going to have to grin and bear it but the reality is we've outgrown the house and we need to get pre-approval at the very least so we can be in a position to move if the opportunity presents itself. Maybe we can just lowball people and perhaps get lucky if someone needs to sell more than I need to buy.

It’s a good time to regroup and think about a place that you can grow your family in without having to move again for a long time so consider not only work but future schooling. Whether you move a mile away or a thousand the stress of moving is almost the same so also consider changing islands or cities. We knew a young couple that lived in Wellington, he was in IT and they left and bought a house in Christchurch and never looked back. They got a lot more house than their money could buy in Wellington.

Take your time until the road ahead feels clearer, it’s better to stand still a little when unsure about which way forward you need to go.

quickymart

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#3017452 5-Jan-2023 16:16

I'd have no qualms about moving to Christchurch, but my boys are still quite young and very settled in their schools and routines.

GV27

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#3017612 6-Jan-2023 06:46

Rikkitic:

Not knowing your circumstances I can't comment on them, but if your work allows, you might want to consider the Good Life in the countryside or a small town. Not every place is without problems, but the right one can be exactly what your family needs, and even now you can still find great properties that would be unaffordable in big cities.

We're trying to stay close to family which is an important childcare resource for us, and our jobs are not something either one can really do 100% remotely yet. We're fortunate to have both sets of parents still around so moving away from them is not something I want to put on the table.

Some of the houses we're looking at would be a vast improvement over our current place and area, but it's just the pressure of making a good financial decision at a time when it seems like there are aren't many good financial options at all. I think I would feel more comfortable if I'd managed to get my next career step out of the way first, if I'm honest the current pressure points are very much income related and we're overdue a change there.

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#3017613 6-Jan-2023 07:21

GV27:

We're trying to stay close to family which is an important childcare resource for us, and our jobs are not something either one can really do 100% remotely yet. We're fortunate to have both sets of parents still around so moving away from them is not something I want to put on the table.

Some of the houses we're looking at would be a vast improvement over our current place and area, but it's just the pressure of making a good financial decision at a time when it seems like there are aren't many good financial options at all. I think I would feel more comfortable if I'd managed to get my next career step out of the way first, if I'm honest the current pressure points are very much income related and we're overdue a change there.

The insecurity of the last couple of years have been hard in a lot of ways and when you add in a kid for the first time it's bloody difficult. With our first everything was overwhelming, even the easy stuff. The sleep debt alone wore me down even with my wife doing most of the nights. My wife was the same, in the end she had to go back to work just for sanity.

You'll get there, even if it feels like you won't a lot of the time. The money will work out, it always does if you aren't doing anything crazy, which you clearly won't be doing. Sometimes it is enough to just get to tomorrow, anything past tomorrow is a win.

alasta

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#3018020 6-Jan-2023 18:57

GV27:

We are looking to move - our area has gotten drastically worse in the post-Covid area, partner can't take the stroller up to the shops and still feel safe.

I am starting to get really anxious about how rough a lot of areas are starting to become. I moved into a flat in 2012 and stayed there until 2019, and was really surprised at how anti-social the neighbourhood became during that time. A few weeks ago there was a violent home invasion on the street that I used to live on, and I keep wondering if there might have been some involvement from the disruptive neighbours who drove me out of that flat.

Recently I had to file a complaint with police about a guy who was harassing me, and subsequently sitting in his car for a long period apparently scoping out my neighbours' homes.

Your own neighbourhood is the one place where you should feel safe.

surfisup1000

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#3018024 6-Jan-2023 20:03

alasta:

Your own neighbourhood is the one place where you should feel safe.

We've had three separate incidents with thugs this year -- 2 were confirmed gang members and the other looked like a gang member but we didn't report that one to police.

This is in the course of normal day to day activities. We didn't press charges in one of the incidents due to risk of retribution ... this guy was a vicious thug.

New Zealand has never been more dangerous.

sir1963

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#3018027 6-Jan-2023 20:20

alasta:

GV27:

We are looking to move - our area has gotten drastically worse in the post-Covid area, partner can't take the stroller up to the shops and still feel safe.

I am starting to get really anxious about how rough a lot of areas are starting to become. I moved into a flat in 2012 and stayed there until 2019, and was really surprised at how anti-social the neighbourhood became during that time. A few weeks ago there was a violent home invasion on the street that I used to live on, and I keep wondering if there might have been some involvement from the disruptive neighbours who drove me out of that flat.

Recently I had to file a complaint with police about a guy who was harassing me, and subsequently sitting in his car for a long period apparently scoping out my neighbours' homes.

Your own neighbourhood is the one place where you should feel safe.

Just wait until Kainga Ora gets into your neighbourhood.

I have no idea how they think they are "Building better neighbourhoods" when they jam 100 people with various social disorders into small units stacked 3 high.

We see how they abandon the other people in the area by refusing to move problem tenants on.

"homes", "housing" means more than just a roof over they head, its means being safe, it means your kids can play outside, it means you don't have to put up with all night parties, threats of violence, crime.....and sometimes thats just from their kids.

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Handle9

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#3018030 6-Jan-2023 20:30

How about we move the rants to other threads. This isn't the place for it.

tdgeek

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#3018032 6-Jan-2023 20:34

sir1963:

"homes", "housing" means more than just a roof over they head, its means being safe, it means your kids can play outside, it means you don't have to put up with all night parties, threats of violence, crime.....and sometimes thats just from their kids.

I 100% agree. Then you get commentary where the house being occupied by 2 people is being wasted. As it could hold 5+

The generous sized section could hold a townhouse.

tdgeek

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#3018035 6-Jan-2023 20:36

Fair call, this isnt the housing thread. But maybe its relative to a degree. We all want a nest that works for us. Physically, financially, and mentally.

networkn

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#3018317 7-Jan-2023 19:02

@gv27 as @handle9 says the last few years have been really really rough and a kid in the middle of it is going to add to that.

I'd try and resist the urge to buy a new house right now unless you are certain it's the required or best thing. Buying a house let alone moving one with a small child would certainly rank among the hardest things to do, even without all the other stuff going on. Perhaps look to see what you can do to make the current situation better for the next 12 months even if it's less financially sensible. Making decisions under pressure, with less sleep, tends to magnify things in ways you might reflect upon later weren't as bad as first thought.

I do sympathise though, I hate feeling cramped. We had a massive cleanout over xmas, and bought some new storage, so it feels like we have more space and that has been amazing for how cramped I have felt.

I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of weeks talking with my wife and kids around the stuff that frustrates us (little things) and set about making a quality of life improvement list. We spent a day shopping and replacing things that were worn out, broken, no longer fitted their purpose, and we have found that excellent for removing the little things that take away from the enjoyment of a day, so we have less cumulative frustrations. Stupid stuff like cables that weren't tidy or doors that wouldn't close properly, chair mats that were cracked and didn't roll nicely.

GV27

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#3018849 9-Jan-2023 08:04

networkn:

@gv27 as @handle9 says the last few years have been really really rough and a kid in the middle of it is going to add to that.

I'd try and resist the urge to buy a new house right now unless you are certain it's the required or best thing. Buying a house let alone moving one with a small child would certainly rank among the hardest things to do, even without all the other stuff going on. Perhaps look to see what you can do to make the current situation better for the next 12 months even if it's less financially sensible. Making decisions under pressure, with less sleep, tends to magnify things in ways you might reflect upon later weren't as bad as first thought.

I feel like if I wait for the chance to be fully caught up on sleep and rested then I'll be waiting for kids to leave home before I make any decisions about anything! But I'm sure that time will come. We've had a weekend of high temperatures and a Saturday morning trip to A&E, so our focus has been on managing our wee lad through that. He's come right just in time for the start of the work week.

Took a look at an open home close by, in an area where I'd prefer to live but with a huge price premium. I doubt we can stretch to it, but it's a good reference point in a falling market. We are going to have to move sooner rather than later though, as the safety issues in our area are getting to become a real problem.

I've also been trying to figure out what an ideal home office and garage set-up would be and I think I can make that happen with relatively little outlay, so I'm looking for the positives and to try and make the stressful bits feel more like just admin.

networkn

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#3018880 9-Jan-2023 09:26

Our kids are getting a bit older now, but I recall the years with toddlers and infants well. Things do improve, a little at a time. We invested a lot of time in helping our kids get a little bit independent early and so by 3 they were able to get up and get breakfast for themselves. We called them the 3 things. Toilet, Breakfast and dressed. If they did that, they could have 30 minutes of screen time.

With little kids, they are always sick, and so there is no 'perfect' time and you'll not feel like sleep is 100% for a while yet, but it will get better than now. That will help with putting things in perspective. Only you can assess the safety of your area, but I have friends and family in the 'good' parts in town, and they aren't faring much better in that regard.

We were considering moving, but we like our house but wish it was bigger and a bit better laid out. We have almost certainly decided even if we spent 100K on it, and over capitalize it's less money than buying elsewhere, and the fees and lawyers and everything else would almost come to that. We are looking at raising the roof and building in the attic.

The only advice I can give, is don't make big decisions when you are under pressure and tired. Problems feel huge in those situations and the reactions to them end up bigger too. If I were you I'd look at what you can put in place to help make things better for the next 6 months. Perhaps look at short term getting someone to help out? We went backwards financially when we had kids, my wife stayed home, which was the plan, and we had some struggles, and getting someone in to help her out made a massive difference. I don't regret the expenditure one moment.

Rikkitic

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#3018899 9-Jan-2023 10:26

networkn:

The only advice I can give, is don't make big decisions when you are under pressure and tired. Problems feel huge in those situations and the reactions to them end up bigger too. If I were you I'd look at what you can put in place to help make things better for the next 6 months. Perhaps look at short term getting someone to help out? We went backwards financially when we had kids, my wife stayed home, which was the plan, and we had some struggles, and getting someone in to help her out made a massive difference. I don't regret the expenditure one moment.

Lots of wisdom here!

Plesse igmore amd axxept applogies in adbance fir anu typos

GV27

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#3019414 10-Jan-2023 09:07

networkn:

Only you can assess the safety of your area, but I have friends and family in the 'good' parts in town, and they aren't faring much better in that regard.

When my partner can't go to the shops in broad daylight without someone following her, or her being witness to some fight or accosted by beggars, it's time to move on.

I can't have my son playing in our yard as on more than one occasion, we've had loose dogs in our back yard (the back is fenced except for a car port and the front isn't).

I had high hopes for the area given the development but with all the traffic, tailgating and increased living costs, it really is starting to feel like living on a knife edge. We're both in agreement that somewhere else is the right move for our family.

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