PODIATRIST EXEMPTS TRUMP FROM IMPEACHMENT
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On Saturday Donald Trump secured a certificate from his personal podiatrist that exempts him from impeachment.
Dr. Harland Dorrinson stated that the strain of undergoing impeachment would “catastrophically inflame” a foot malady that not only prevented the President from active service in the Vietnam war, but has bedevilled him ever since.
While the doctor’s note drew protests from congressional Democrats, the Attorney General, William Barr, emphasized that the malady excuses Trump from impeachment on humanitarian grounds.
“Given the seriousness of the President’s ailment, impeachment is cruel and unusual punishment and therefore unconstitutional,” Barr said, adding that the Department of Justice would investigate Representative Adam Schiff and the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, for “crimes against the President's feet.”
Another prominent Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, vouched for the fragile state of Trump’s health. “I have spent many hours with President Trump,” Graham said, "and I can definitely confirm that he is behaving irrationally."