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  Reply # 1171738 9-Nov-2014 18:10
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Since NZ is crazy on baking cooking and house renovations, host a competition between the two in the weeks leading up to the dinner. Winner gets to host the birthday event and loser gets the leftovers

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  Reply # 1171742 9-Nov-2014 18:16
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I totally agree with Elpie's idea. I've recently been through same struggle, I always ultimately bowed to her will at cost of my own Happiness. She always said... If I truely loved her I'd be happy doing nothing except be at work, and then at home. No hobbies, no friends, no entertainment, etc. She said her and her family are my new family and take priority, therefore I cannot visit or talk to my family if it takes time away from her and her family.

There were never acceptable (to her) compromises though I always offered them. As your suggesting.

For example - once a month (never more), for 2 hours (never longer), I have lunch with large group of friends I'm in a bike club with. Its 2 hours return trip to attend. I'd suggest we both go. She never wanted to go. I'd say couples go, its very friendly... NO.
My compromise was we would travel together to the area, and while I'm having lunch she could shop or have lunch, or whatever, make a fun day out of it.

But she would always be like, I don't want to go to lunch, don't want to meet your friends, don't want to make the trip... So because I don't want to go neither can you otherwise your leaving me on my own on "family day".

Consequently we are no longer together.

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  Reply # 1171802 9-Nov-2014 20:47
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IlDuce: I totally agree with Elpie's idea. I've recently been through same struggle, I always ultimately bowed to her will at cost of my own Happiness. She always said... If I truely loved her I'd be happy doing nothing except be at work, and then at home. No hobbies, no friends, no entertainment, etc. She said her and her family are my new family and take priority, therefore I cannot visit or talk to my family if it takes time away from her and her family.

There were never acceptable (to her) compromises though I always offered them. As your suggesting.

For example - once a month (never more), for 2 hours (never longer), I have lunch with large group of friends I'm in a bike club with. Its 2 hours return trip to attend. I'd suggest we both go. She never wanted to go. I'd say couples go, its very friendly... NO.
My compromise was we would travel together to the area, and while I'm having lunch she could shop or have lunch, or whatever, make a fun day out of it.

But she would always be like, I don't want to go to lunch, don't want to meet your friends, don't want to make the trip... So because I don't want to go neither can you otherwise your leaving me on my own on "family day".

Consequently we are no longer together.


Wow no offense, but it took me longer to read that than I would have put up with that nonsense for! ;) 

When I hear stories like this it makes me want to go and hug my wife for being so awesome. 


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  Reply # 1171810 9-Nov-2014 20:57
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networkn: 
When I hear stories like this it makes me want to go and hug my wife for being so awesome. 


You should do it :-)

I'm kinda relieved people are talking here about girlfriends. It would be really scary if these kinds of attitudes were coming from wives (or husbands). Life's too short to put up with manipulative partners. 

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  Reply # 1171824 9-Nov-2014 21:05
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Elpie:
networkn: 
When I hear stories like this it makes me want to go and hug my wife for being so awesome. 


You should do it :-)

I'm kinda relieved people are talking here about girlfriends. It would be really scary if these kinds of attitudes were coming from wives (or husbands). Life's too short to put up with manipulative partners. 


Hhaha You better believe I did. I believe my wife is one of the only women on earth without a hint of guile in her body. 

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  Reply # 1171825 9-Nov-2014 21:06
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Reading this makes me love my wife even more. She is wonderful :)




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  Reply # 1171827 9-Nov-2014 21:08
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Dump her before its too late IMO.




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  Reply # 1171828 9-Nov-2014 21:19
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If you can truly attend only one - attend the one that scheduled first.

Other than that it is going to be an ongoing problem so you need to figure it out or it will be ongoing.

Attending both is also good solution unless it goes down badly with both parties. Imho any reasonable people will understand the issue and the reasons you are doing it if you mention it in advance and stick to it.

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  Reply # 1171830 9-Nov-2014 21:25
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freitasm:
golfpunk111: November is birthday month for our families, this year my Sis's bday and her brothers b'day family dinners are being held on the same day and time. We can't attend both. I suggested for this odd time we attend our siblings bday separately to avoid disappointment for the others siblings dinner we couldn't attend.

We can't arrange to see either earlier in the day and due to the distance between the two (an hours drive we can't really attend both and would miss dinner and/or the cake at one).

Her argument is that we should be attending as couples and I agree but surely an odd compromise is fair enough?



I think it's a good compromise.

Yep. This is not an odd solution and very common for around christmas and things like that.

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  Reply # 1171832 9-Nov-2014 21:32
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With the power of hindsight the signs were there from the first date even, but I just kept making allowances... oh its because she's nervous, oh its because she has baggage and when she knows me better she will see she does not need to worry about that concern...

The first date I told her where I worked and what I did, and about the company - and she said I was wrong as her friend knew a guy who lived across the road from someone who once worked there (exaggeration - it was a fairly distant connection is my point)... so I stopped talking about that as she shut me down. Later a topic came up about my friend who is a teacher, and concerning his education, got shut down again... and by third time I thought if this carries on one of us is bound to get up and walk out... so I clammed up for next 90 odd minutes and just smiled.

The realisation point where I knew it was futile continuing... our 2 year anniversary...

I bought a card, lovingly filled out, flowers, chocolates, not 1 but 2 bottles of wine, and left them on the bed while she was at work, then I went to work and she came home and saw them.

I got home from work and she was frosty, wouldn't speak to me. This carried on for next 2 days. I had no idea what I'd done wrong. I can think of possibilities that other people might do to warrant getting their head taken off, such as putting an ex's name in the card by mistake, or buying wine she once said she hated ,etc.

In the end guess what it was... apparently as I did not put a PDA post on facebook (remember I was at work where I don't carry my phone, as afterall, I'm there to work!), I am not genuine with my "love" so everything else I did counts for nothing...

Just WOW.

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  Reply # 1171834 9-Nov-2014 21:38
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2 issues

1) conflict is normal. Conflict resolution strengthens relationship. A couple that have never argued will never stay together for long.

2) on the other hand there is personality. If I were you, a big argument from who attends which birthday is so trivial that I probably won't able live with that person for too long if they are going to argue about every single trivial thing for the sake of arguing.

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  Reply # 1171836 9-Nov-2014 21:40
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Ps I'm not saying I'm a saint and easy to live with. I have issues too. I'm hopeless at certain things. But I can't live with trivial arguments. some people can. I remember my grandfather gets yelled at every hour and he still served my grandmother. Amazing man!

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  Reply # 1171837 9-Nov-2014 21:44
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joker97: 2 issues

1) conflict is normal. Conflict resolution strengthens relationship. A couple that have never argued will never stay together for long.

2) on the other hand there is personality. If I were you, a big argument from who attends which birthday is so trivial that I probably won't able live with that person for too long if they are going to argue about every single trivial thing for the sake of arguing.


Oh yes, solution ... umm ...

Find out why she made a big deal. Possible reasons

She is angry at you for something totally unrelated
She had s bad day and didn't mean to argue / pms etc
That particular event is every very important to her
Going everywhere together is very important to her

She is trying to break up with you and found the perfect storm
She is a @$&_():;;"
You are an a$&__&@$

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  Reply # 1171838 9-Nov-2014 21:45
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The solution(s) then depends on the reason(s)

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