The Joke Thread

#475800 30-May-2011 16:06

From QDB

Panucci : Guess what my geek wife said when we were on bed last night?
Magicpork: HTTP 411, HTTP 417, HTTP 403?

xpd

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#475810 30-May-2011 16:41

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon

xpd

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#475812 30-May-2011 16:46

Couldnt go past this one...

<[Ci]XeneX> Hahahahaha.
<[Ci]XeneX> I forgot my password for my Barrysworld Subscriber Private FTP access, and it says I have to answer the secret question..
What's the secret question?
<[Ci]XeneX> Password Reminder Question: What is my password for this site?

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon

freitasm

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#476690 1-Jun-2011 14:31

- What do you do if a blonde throw a grenade at you?
- Pull the pin out and throw it back...

freitasm on Keybase | My technology disclosure

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#476692 1-Jun-2011 14:37

Or throw back the pin.... ;)

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon

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#540297 2-Nov-2011 12:36

Dog diary entries:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat diary entries:

Day 983 of my captivity..
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some
sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear,
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates
what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am.
Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.
I observe him communicating with the guards regularly..
I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now..............

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon

YJ

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#540337 2-Nov-2011 14:03

tonyhughes: Post your jokes. Watch your language. It's a family show (consider it to be about R13). Take your discussions elsewhere - its a joke thread, not a soapbox thread!! If you are new forum user, this is an easy way to get involved on the forums BUT you still have to post on the introductions forum, or we will ziggle your woggle with a moggelllated figgle.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather large
old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...'Go and get your mother.'

When they run back with the mother and said to her, "I will show you that how amazing this silver wall is." while they whispering, the 24-year-old blonde press the button and go back to the wall. The walls closed, three of them are all watching with amazement, they all want to see the magic outcome...

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a old man stepped out...

The boy cried to the father, where is the blonde lady, the father looked at the mother, i am not going to take the risk and put you in there, the boy doesn't need another father...

KiwiTT

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#540873 3-Nov-2011 20:08

Probably the best explanation for the US debt crisis I've ever read! It would be laughable but unfortunately it reflects the past reality and the present GFC!!!

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit .

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar..

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit..

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.   He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar..

Now do you understand?

Wob

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#540890 3-Nov-2011 20:39

Understanding Engineers:

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Now based in Perth WA.

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#540927 3-Nov-2011 22:04

The Australian Institute of Sport has opened a hotline for depression since their semifinal exit in the Rugby World Cup. They can be contacted on 0800 one nothing one nothing one nothing......

This joke can obviously be turned to be for their South African counterparts as well just change out the AIS for the South African sporting equivalent.

:-)
Finally the cup has come home YAY

freitasm

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