"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME. "

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed  instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose  husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the  monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on  the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in.  Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here."

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and didn't wake up 'til at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.

With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1,000.00

With 'Fannie Mae' (FNM), you would have $11.34 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Lehman Bros one year ago it would now be almost worthless: less than $0.86.

If you had purchased RH Donelley, you would have $45.69 left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund you would have  around  $125.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink excessively and then recycle..............

Given that Al  Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While  visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her  what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself  with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do  so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to  demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.  Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has  a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who  is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank  you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get  that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using  that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his  old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al.  What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has  a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is  it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it  and get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton  immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question  for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in  desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains  his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a  child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is  it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you  idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims,  "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And  Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony  Blair."

It's October, and an Indian chief (as in Native American) thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect wood.

To double check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.

The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."

So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.

The chief orders all his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks,

"Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Inner peace

Some doctor on the television this morning said the way to
achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
started. 
 

So I looked around my house to see the things I had
started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house
this morning, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
shhhardnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vodka, a pockage
of Prunglies, the mainder of bot Prozie and Valum scriptins,
the res of the chesescke an a box a chocolets. You haf no
idr who frkin gud I feel Peas sen this to dem yu fee ar in
ned ov inr pec