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  #1481487 29-Jan-2016 20:44
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Also randoms are going to touch your partner's bump when she gets big -it's really weird and creepy but they do.



Ive heard about people touching the belly,


Soooo weird, but hey i guess thats just what happens, thanks for the other advice also, Im not sick of people giving me advice just yet :)

So incredibly odd. Then there's the brest feeding naxis. Even more offensive but soooo earnest.

2216 posts

Uber Geek

  #1481511 29-Jan-2016 20:59
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Congrats. Im pretty new to it too.

Hospitals are warmer than your house.
We (and a lot of people we know) made the mistake of letting ours get too cold the first day home. We had her room too cold.

Don't stress when they cry, they actually get worse when you're stressed.
Your lady will probably have a meltdown around day 3-5. It's the 3 day blues.
Enjoy the ride.

Our midwife: "enjoy them when they're small, they turn into a**holes.

NIgel Latta: "you have to do a really bad job for a really long time to do any permanent damage"

Location: Dunedin



2869 posts

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  #1481512 29-Jan-2016 21:02
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Test 1


Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.


Men: To prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.




Test 2


Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.




Test 3


To discover how the nights will feel:


1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.


2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.


3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.


4. Set the alarm for 3am.


5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.


6. Go to bed at 2.45am.


7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.


8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.


9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.


10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.




Test 4


Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:


1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.


2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.


3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.




Test 5


Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.


1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.


2. Leave it there.


3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.


4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.


5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.




Test 6


Get ready to go out


1. Wait


2. Go out the front door


3. Come back in again


4. Go out


5. Come back in again


6. Go out again


7. Walk down the front path


8. Walk back up it


9. Walk down it again


10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.


11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.


12. Retrace your steps


13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.


14. Give up and go back into the house.


15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.




Test 7


Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.




Test 8


Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.




Test 9


1. Hollow out a melon


2. Make a small hole in the side


3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side


4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.


5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.


6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.




Test 10


Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.








Test 11


Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:


1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains


2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.


3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.


4. Cover the stains with crayon.


5. How does that look?




Test 12


Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.




Test 13


Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.




Test 14


Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:


1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it


2. Stir


3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt


4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture


5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel


6. Do not change, you have no time.


7. Go directly to work




You are now ready to have children, ENJOY

Galaxy S10


Garmin  Fenix 5

1850 posts

Uber Geek

  #1481514 29-Jan-2016 21:08
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Shotguns, lots of shotguns. 


Disclaimer: Am a man, with a son. 

2400 posts

Uber Geek

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  #1481515 29-Jan-2016 21:16
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For the first couple of weeks sleep on the sofa or spare room if she's breast feeding.


That way you can sleep mid night to 6am so you get a break and can help for the other 18hrs.


Don't feel you have to be in same bed over night getting equally sleep deprived when you can't breast feeding.






(i slept on sofa for last month before birth so I could sleep and work next day while partner could toss turn snore etc all night without guilt about keeping me awake)



2400 posts

Uber Geek

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  #1481519 29-Jan-2016 21:28
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Goodbye lover, hello flatmate

  #1481524 29-Jan-2016 21:49
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Something you and her mother should keep in mind is that parenting is not a competition. If you go to antenatal classes you will meet a lot of people having a baby at the same time as you -- great for support networks -- but it's very easy to start measuring your baby's progress against theirs. Don't get upset if your partner is the last one to give birth, your baby keeps waking up during the night whilst all the others sleep through, theirs can crawl and yours can barely sit, etc, etc...


Easier said than done though, especially when you're both tired and fed up!


BDFL - Memuneh
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  #1481535 29-Jan-2016 22:00
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sdavisnz: Im soon to be a new father, just found out me and my partner are having a baby girl in 5 months.



Congratulations! A girl is lots of fun. Kids in general grow fast (or time flies): ours is turning ten very soon, in a matter of months.





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22418 posts

Uber Geek

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  #1481537 29-Jan-2016 22:07
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too late much?

Involuntary autocorrect in operation on mobile device. Apologies in advance.

903 posts

Ultimate Geek


  #1481547 29-Jan-2016 22:51
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It may well be not be as hard as people will tell you it is.


She may have a one off period within the first few days, its ok.


The first poo is weird.


Babies are boring, don't feel bad if you don't initially feel any great bond, it might take until they develop a bit of a personality to really connect.


A change table is essential.


If breast feeding isn't working don't get railroaded into persisting too long, switch to formula.


They can help you clean the throttle body on your car, it doesn't have to be just all Barbie and pink.


If family members make talk about wanting to help out but don't deliver, just let it go and lower your expectations, don't let it cause conflict with your partner.







14634 posts

Uber Geek

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  #1481553 29-Jan-2016 23:03
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Did you mean you just found out it was a girl, or that your partner was pregnant for 4 months before you noticed?

2216 posts

Uber Geek

  #1481565 29-Jan-2016 23:12
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Couldn't disagree more about the change table (unless its a caesarian). There's nothing wrong with a towel on the bed or floor.

There are a LOT of things people will tell you are essential, for the most part you can easily do without them. Its very easy to spend a lot of money on stuff that's only good for a few weeks or months.

Location: Dunedin


439 posts

Ultimate Geek


  #1481592 30-Jan-2016 05:56
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One thing that worked for us: Routine..


..feeding time, play time, nap time, bath time, story time, bed time









It makes everything so much easier as time passes....

442 posts

Ultimate Geek

  #1481598 30-Jan-2016 07:40
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hey guys,


Im soon to be a new father, just found out me and my partner are having a baby girl in 5 months.




I know alot of you guys are parents, any tips for preparing for a baby girl?













First off congradulations on you up coming father hood .




I myself have no children but i spent a lot of time with my two neices (nearlly 2 and 13 )


The 2 year old is so much fun , watching her learn and grow my partner says she has uncle wrapped around her little finger and i guess she is probably correct .


She already hassles me in the mornings when she stays over to turn on Netflix  lol   They grow up way to fast , so enjoy any moment you can .


As someone has said earlier they turn and 13 , as i have found it harder and harder to talk openly with my eldest neice since she turned 13 , so it looks like i will have to wait till she is 30 to get that bond back lol


I sure noticed a change in her , from loving everything Batman etc at aged 12 to suddenly dragging aunty to clothing shops etc at malls at aged 13



1083 posts

Uber Geek

  #1481605 30-Jan-2016 08:44
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Probably way too early, but if your wife is planning on going back to work and you have a spare room consider getting an au pair, they are very affordable.  For ten dollars more than having my daughter in day care five days a week we have someone look after her one on one (for 3 days a week the other two she is at day care), take her to swimming lessons, music group, help out in the mornings, help out on sick days etc.

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