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  Reply # 1835702 2-Aug-2017 13:11
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Another two guys' pub conversation:

 

1: Went for a check-up the other day.

 

2: How'd it go?

 

1: Not bad but he stuck his finger up my a**e.

 

2: But that's quite usual isn't it?

 

1: So you don't think I need to change dentists then?


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  Reply # 1835719 2-Aug-2017 13:36
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 
 
 
 


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  Reply # 1835724 2-Aug-2017 13:38
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C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The landlord says 'Sorry, we can't serve minors'.

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  Reply # 1836070 2-Aug-2017 21:03
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Two guys crash their trollies into each other in the supermarket aisle.

 

1: Sorry - bit of a rush - trying to find my wife.

 

2: Me too - maybe we could help each other - what does yours look like?

 

1: Blond, lovely figure, long legs, cutoff-jeans shorts, big bust, no bra and tight halter-neck top. What does yours look like?

 

2: Nah, don't worry about it - let's look for yours.


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  Reply # 1836151 2-Aug-2017 23:21
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Essex Girl rings boyfriend.

 

"I can't finish this jigsaw. Wanna come and help?"

 

Reluctantly, he gets in his Ford Escort and heads over.

 

"I'm in the kitchen!"

 

He walks in, looks at the table where she is sitting in front of a jumbled mess, sighs and sits down.

 

"What shall we do first?" she asks.

 

"Well, first, you're going to make me a cup of tea. And then we're going to start putting these cornflakes back in their box!"

 

 

 

(Bit culturally specific but there we are!)






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  Reply # 1836152 2-Aug-2017 23:23
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Here's one I am shamelessly repeating from Peter Kay:

 

 

 

When I was a lad, I used to pray every day that God would bring me a new bike.

 

Eventually as I got older, I realised that God does not work that way. So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead!








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  Reply # 1846756 14-Aug-2017 22:52
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*The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. *
*Here are the winners:*

 

*1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. *

 

*2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshΦle.*

 

*3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.*

 

*4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.*

 

*5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.*

 

*6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid*

 

*7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.*

 

*8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.*

 

*9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.*

 

*10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. *
*(This one got extra credit.)*

 

*11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.*

 

*12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.*

 

*13. Glibido: All talk and no action.*

 

*14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.*

 

*15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.*

 

*16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and *
*cannot be cast out.*

 

*17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating. *

 

 

 

 





I reject your reality and substitute my own. - Adam Savage
 


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  Reply # 1849152 20-Aug-2017 12:07
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elpenguino: C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The landlord says 'Sorry, we can't serve minors'.

 

 

 

What sound do you get if you drop a grand piano on a miner?

 

A flat minor.


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  Reply # 1854488 29-Aug-2017 01:33
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I think my neighbour is stalking me, she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.




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  Reply # 1854819 29-Aug-2017 14:43
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I stole this one from Jacinda Ardern. It actually made me laugh, which makes it worth repeating:

 

Okay, so there are two sausages in a frying pan and one sausage turns to the other sausage and says, 'Oh my god it is so hot in here,' and the other sausage says, 'Oh my god a talking sausage.'

 

 





I reject your reality and substitute my own. - Adam Savage
 


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  Reply # 1854846 29-Aug-2017 15:25
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I have a phobia of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.


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  Reply # 1855061 30-Aug-2017 07:23
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BlueShift:

 

I have a phobia of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.

 

 


I know the feels.

 





 


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  Reply # 1875999 2-Oct-2017 11:20
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Here's an old one..

 

----------------------------

 

One night last year I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, he tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face.. Totally ruined the mood.

 

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

 

Joseph had gotten a big glass shared in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye.

 

He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months.

 

 

 

Then suddenly he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

 

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note.

 

I tried to track them down but never could.

 

 

 

So.. in conclusion..

 

If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe I'd have been married a long time ago.

 

Where did you come from, where did you go?

 

Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


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  Reply # 1876004 2-Oct-2017 11:23
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HcoNmeM:

 

So.. in conclusion..

 

If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe I'd have been married a long time ago.

 

Where did you come from, where did you go?

 

Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

 

 

 

 

Is this the new version of being rickrolled





 


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  Reply # 1876017 2-Oct-2017 11:37
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Coil:

 

HcoNmeM:

 

So.. in conclusion..

 

If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe I'd have been married a long time ago.

 

Where did you come from, where did you go?

 

Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

 

 

 

 

Is this the new version of being rickrolled

 

 

 

 

haha.. no.. that's the punchline to the joke..


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