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  Reply # 1879383 8-Oct-2017 13:49
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Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

 

He couldn't budgit.


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  Reply # 1926391 28-Dec-2017 23:17
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Why does Nasa only offer Sprite? 

They Couldn't get 7 Up





 


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  Reply # 1926393 28-Dec-2017 23:24
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Monty Python "What is my theory?"


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  Reply # 1926396 28-Dec-2017 23:58
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Ey what the heck?? Whos the BMW Driver Now?

 

 

BMW Driving School:

Not this Mister Miller!! First the Indicators then the Highbeams!!


 

Glad we found a shady spot.

 





 


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  Reply # 1926412 29-Dec-2017 07:51
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A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.


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  Reply # 1935948 11-Jan-2018 07:20
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Why did the mathematician not know if it was Christmas or Hallowe'en?

 

.

 

.

 

Because DEC25==OCT31

 

 





Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. (T.S. Eliot)


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  Reply # 1959591 17-Feb-2018 13:20
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I'll just leave this here.

 





Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. (T.S. Eliot)


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  Reply # 1959595 17-Feb-2018 13:30
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The Top Ten Times in History When Using the "F" Word was Appropriate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.

 

 

 

"What the f was that?"
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima

 

 

 

9.

 

 

 

"Where did all these f.ing Indians come from?"
-- General Custer

 

 

 

8.

 

 

 

"Any f.ing idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein

 

 

 

7.

 

 

 

"It does SO f.ing look like her!"
-- Pablo Picasso

 

 

 

6.

 

 

 

"How the f did you work that out?"
-- Pythagorus

 

 

 

5.

 

 

 

"You want WHAT on the f.ing ceiling?"
-- Michaelangelo

 

 

 

4.

 

 

 

"I don't suppose it's gonna f.ing rain."
-- Joan of Arc

 

 

 

3.

 

 

 

"Scattered f.ing showers...my ass!"
-- Noah

 

 

 

2.

 

 

 

"I need this parade like I need a f.ing hole in my head!"
-- JFK

 

 

 

1.

 

 

 

1. "Aw, c'mon Monica, who the f is gonna find out?"
-- Bill Clinton

 

 

 


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  Reply # 1996908 16-Apr-2018 11:09
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

 

 


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  Reply # 1996940 16-Apr-2018 11:55
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eracode:

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

 

 

 

 

 

 

This joke is racist, sexist, ageist and all sorts of other -ists. How come:

 

There’s a Virgin Islander but no Slut Islander,

 

A Micronesian but no Macronesian,

 

No Old Zealander,

 

A Cook Islander but no Chef Islander,

 

A Turk but no Chick,

 

A Pole but no Dancer,

 

A Swede but no Parsnip,

 

A Cuban but no Polyhedran,

 

A Chilean but no Capsicuman,

 

An Hawaiian but no Meatlovers,

 

A Swede but no Blue Shoes, and

 

A Finn but no Fleetwood.


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  Reply # 1996963 16-Apr-2018 12:30
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What do you call an alligator in a waistcoat?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Investigator....






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  Reply # 1997162 16-Apr-2018 15:32
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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

 

 

 

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

 

 

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

 

 

 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

 

 

 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

 

 

 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

 

 

 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

 

 

 

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

 

 

 

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

 

 

 

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 

 

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

 

 

 

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s***load of firewood.'


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  Reply # 2096242 25-Sep-2018 16:42
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In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

 


Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef  hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the  Internet


"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I  guess Tesco just listened!



Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?



Not entirely sure how Tesco are  going to get over this hurdle



Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!



Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.



A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.



Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn



"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... "AND THEY'RE OFF!"



Tesco now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.



Said to the missus, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots...



"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....



A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?". Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"



I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.



These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit...Talk about flogging a dead horse.



Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.

 



Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show"





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  Reply # 2096338 25-Sep-2018 18:06
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Coil:

Why does Nasa only offer Sprite? 

They Couldn't get 7 Up



I know a rude version of that involving Snow White...





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  Reply # 2096340 25-Sep-2018 18:08
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This cafe is very expensive darling!

You're right! I didn't even know Louis Vuitton made tea bags!





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