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  Reply # 2107383 13-Oct-2018 17:12
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When is the punchline?

Fork 'Andles
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  Reply # 2111733 21-Oct-2018 07:49
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Yesterday I was at my local Pak n Save buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 
What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 10 kg before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
 
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I said Nah, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. 

 
 
 
 


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  Reply # 2135989 28-Nov-2018 14:32
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One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the fence and you shoot one with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be four left, but I like the way you think."

 

Then little Johnny says,
"I have a question for you Miss.  If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one biting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"Err, the one sucking on the cone," replies the teacher nervously.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," It's the one wearing the wedding ring , but I like the way you think."





The universe consists of protons, neutrons, electrons...and morons.


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  Reply # 2135995 28-Nov-2018 14:48
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

 

To visit his flatmate.


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  Reply # 2136005 28-Nov-2018 14:56
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Heard a cute one from the IT bods at work.

 

 

 

What is John Key's favourite network protocol?

 

 

 

TCP/IP - because of the 3 way handshake,


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  Reply # 2136977 30-Nov-2018 07:52
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I'll just leave this here:

 





The universe consists of protons, neutrons, electrons...and morons.


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  Reply # 2136995 30-Nov-2018 08:23
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Martin Clunes: “Pollsters have detected the nation’s almost catatonic with boredom, so they’ve been trying to liven things up, anyone know how they’ve been doing that?”
Ian Hislop: “Well, they’ve been trying to get younger people in by calling the referendum ‘Votey McVoteface’.”





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  Reply # 2137021 30-Nov-2018 09:05
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  Reply # 2137054 30-Nov-2018 09:53
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I dont get it




nunz

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  Reply # 2137056 30-Nov-2018 09:54
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nunz: I dont get it

Same :)

 

 


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  Reply # 2137058 30-Nov-2018 09:57
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.  He went down in history...


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  Reply # 2137060 30-Nov-2018 09:57
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Neither do I  (so I kept quiet in case it was obvious  :-) )

 

I can't see why a drop in grade for history and a red nose has to do with it.


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  Reply # 2137062 30-Nov-2018 09:58
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evnafets:

 

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.  He went down in history...

 

 

OMG, that is pretty darn subtle


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  Reply # 2137069 30-Nov-2018 10:06
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evnafets:

 

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.  He went down in history...

 

 

Subtle and silly at the same time, nice.


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  Reply # 2137075 30-Nov-2018 10:12
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Wife: No

 

Me: It's a good name.

 

Wife: Babe, we're not calling the dog 'Sarah Jessica Barker' - so keep thinking.

 

Me: Woofie Goldberg.


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