Silly joke thread

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#2107383 13-Oct-2018 17:12

When is the punchline?

eracode

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#2111733 21-Oct-2018 07:49

Yesterday I was at my local Pak n Save buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 10 kg before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I said Nah, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

floydbloke

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#2135989 28-Nov-2018 14:32

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the fence and you shoot one with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be four left, but I like the way you think."

Then little Johnny says,
"I have a question for you Miss. If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one biting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"Err, the one sucking on the cone," replies the teacher nervously.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," It's the one wearing the wedding ring , but I like the way you think."

Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not ****ing blue!

DarthKermit

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#2135995 28-Nov-2018 14:48

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To visit his flatmate.

elpenguino

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#2136005 28-Nov-2018 14:56

Heard a cute one from the IT bods at work.

What is John Key's favourite network protocol?

TCP/IP - because of the 3 way handshake,

Most of the posters in this thread are just like chimpanzees on MDMA, full of feelings of bonhomie, joy, and optimism. Fred99 8/4/21

floydbloke

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#2136977 30-Nov-2018 07:52

I'll just leave this here:

Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not ****ing blue!

Geektastic

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#2136995 30-Nov-2018 08:23

Martin Clunes: “Pollsters have detected the nation’s almost catatonic with boredom, so they’ve been trying to liven things up, anyone know how they’ve been doing that?”
Ian Hislop: “Well, they’ve been trying to get younger people in by calling the referendum ‘Votey McVoteface’.”