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  Reply # 1629040 14-Sep-2016 07:23
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froob:

 

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

 

 

Aww you went and ruined it. 

 

 

 

The punchline to that joke is: 

 

 

 

A brown stick.


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  Reply # 1629042 14-Sep-2016 07:28
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Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the living sh*t out of the dogs!


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  Reply # 1629070 14-Sep-2016 09:00
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What has two legs and bleeds?

 

Half a dog.


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  Reply # 1629172 14-Sep-2016 11:24
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Geektastic:

 

Ronald Reagan's favourite Russian joke:

 

A man walks into a store in Moscow and looks around at the empty shelves. 

 

Walking up to the assistant, he says "Good morning, Comrade, I see you have no bread?"

 

The assistant replies "No, Comrade - we have no fish. The shop with no bread is next door."

 

 

That is the most silly joke ever.. here is why:

 

The bread in USSR was always available, high quality and cheap.

 

Bread/Salary ratio would be comparable to today's NZ. Income tax was few times less, there were NO mortgages - appartments were FREE for working class.

 

We lived in 3 bedroom penthouse with a 180 degrees sea view. Something similar in Auckland would cost over $5 mil.

 

For comparison - 8 Hereford Street (in the past occupied by Telecom NZ and now turned into appartments, selling each for ~$3.5 mil) has no near good views which I had in 1969 for free.

 

The fish in the Russian Fat East was always on the shelves: wild salmon (times better than that farmed NZ salmon raised on GM soya), and 5 other red fish varieties plus scallops and huge Pacific Crabs (1/5 meter in size) - the food I had as a kid. We did not have mandarines (imported luxury) but we were growing our own apples (I have plunted 5 trees myself at my batch house) and plums.

 

What is remarkable - we had absolutly no fat/overweight people. If you met one - that would be rare case. USA has millions of overweight citizens. Coke / McDonalds / Potato Chips / KFC - that is really a Joke when it comes to food.

 

In 1994 - One American told me one joke about themselves:

 

Newspaper add: "Down Missisipi river, all inclusive, $25 only".

 

The guy pays on the spot -> knocked on the head -> came to his senses while free floating down Missisipi river with another dude going side by side. - "They said, all inclusive, I wonder if they will feed us a lunch? The other guy replied - " Last time they have not." :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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  Reply # 1630183 14-Sep-2016 12:32
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RUKI:

Geektastic:


Ronald Reagan's favourite Russian joke:


A man walks into a store in Moscow and looks around at the empty shelves. 


Walking up to the assistant, he says "Good morning, Comrade, I see you have no bread?"


The assistant replies "No, Comrade - we have no fish. The shop with no bread is next door."



That is the most silly joke ever.. here is why:


Talk about a million miles off topic..! There's a reason this is called the "Silly joke thread" as opposed to the "Factually accurate joke thread".

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  Reply # 1630184 14-Sep-2016 12:36
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Two Inuit fishermen were out in their kayak during an Arctic winter trying to catch some food to feed their families. One of them was continually complaining about the bitter cold so his mate lit a fire to warm them both up. The kayak promptly caught fire and sank thereby proving the adage you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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  Reply # 1630191 14-Sep-2016 12:48
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Why is a psycho ex like a box of chocolates?

 

 

 

They'll kill your dog.


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  Reply # 1630195 14-Sep-2016 13:01
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RUKI:

 

Geektastic:

 

Ronald Reagan's favourite Russian joke:

 

A man walks into a store in Moscow and looks around at the empty shelves. 

 

Walking up to the assistant, he says "Good morning, Comrade, I see you have no bread?"

 

The assistant replies "No, Comrade - we have no fish. The shop with no bread is next door."

 

 

That is the most silly joke ever.. here is why:

 

The bread in USSR was always available, high quality and cheap.

 

Bread/Salary ratio would be comparable to today's NZ. Income tax was few times less, there were NO mortgages - appartments were FREE for working class.

 

We lived in 3 bedroom penthouse with a 180 degrees sea view. Something similar in Auckland would cost over $5 mil.

 

For comparison - 8 Hereford Street (in the past occupied by Telecom NZ and now turned into appartments, selling each for ~$3.5 mil) has no near good views which I had in 1969 for free.

 

The fish in the Russian Fat East was always on the shelves: wild salmon (times better than that farmed NZ salmon raised on GM soya), and 5 other red fish varieties plus scallops and huge Pacific Crabs (1/5 meter in size) - the food I had as a kid. We did not have mandarines (imported luxury) but we were growing our own apples (I have plunted 5 trees myself at my batch house) and plums.

 

What is remarkable - we had absolutly no fat/overweight people. If you met one - that would be rare case. USA has millions of overweight citizens. Coke / McDonalds / Potato Chips / KFC - that is really a Joke when it comes to food.

 

In 1994 - One American told me one joke about themselves:

 

Newspaper add: "Down Missisipi river, all inclusive, $25 only".

 

The guy pays on the spot -> knocked on the head -> came to his senses while free floating down Missisipi river with another dude going side by side. - "They said, all inclusive, I wonder if they will feed us a lunch? The other guy replied - " Last time they have not." :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's not have facts get in the way of a great joke - and it is a great joke.


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  Reply # 1630240 14-Sep-2016 13:47
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What do you get if you turn 3 blondes upside down?

 

 

 

 

 

At least 2 brunettes!




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  Reply # 1630357 14-Sep-2016 16:18
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In the Soviet era an American businessman and his wife visited Moscow. As with all tourists at that time, they were assigned an Intourist guide. He met them at their hotel and introduced himself, saying, ‘my name is Rudolph. What do you wish to do today?’

 

The businessman looked at his wife, who was clearly in charge. She said, ‘we would like to start by going for a walk around the Kremlin.’

 

Rudolph looked doubtful. He shook his head. ‘No walk. It is going to rain.’

 

The woman glanced out the hotel window. The sky was blue and cloudless. The sun was shining brightly. ‘It doesn’t look like rain to me,’ she said.

 

‘It will rain,’ insisted Rudolph.

 

‘I don’t think so,’ said the woman, who was obviously used to getting her own way.

 

They went back and forth for awhile. ‘It will rain,’ Rudolph repeated. ‘No it won’t,’ the woman replied.

 

At last the long-suffering husband could stand it no more. He turned to his wife and shouted, ‘Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!’

 

 





I reject your reality and substitute my own. - Adam Savage
 


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  Reply # 1630491 14-Sep-2016 20:26
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Rikkitic:

 

In the Soviet era an American businessman and his wife visited Moscow. As with all tourists at that time, they were assigned an Intourist guide. He met them at their hotel and introduced himself, saying, ‘my name is Rudolph. What do you wish to do today?’

 

The businessman looked at his wife, who was clearly in charge. She said, ‘we would like to start by going for a walk around the Kremlin.’

 

Rudolph looked doubtful. He shook his head. ‘No walk. It is going to rain.’

 

The woman glanced out the hotel window. The sky was blue and cloudless. The sun was shining brightly. ‘It doesn’t look like rain to me,’ she said.

 

‘It will rain,’ insisted Rudolph.

 

‘I don’t think so,’ said the woman, who was obviously used to getting her own way.

 

They went back and forth for awhile. ‘It will rain,’ Rudolph repeated. ‘No it won’t,’ the woman replied.

 

At last the long-suffering husband could stand it no more. He turned to his wife and shouted, ‘Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!’

 

 

 

 

And my compliments to the OP for this thread.


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  Reply # 1630510 14-Sep-2016 20:48
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King had a Court Jester called Thread and was fed up with his crappy one-liners and puns. "I'm sick of your silly jokes, Thread. I'm throwing you into a dungeon and it's a hanging for you in the morning unless you promise to up your game".

 

In the morning King visited Thread: "Might have been a bit hasty last night - you're free to go - so long as you quit the weak-as puns. What have you got to say for yourself?"

 

"Oh, thank you Sire - no noose is good noose"

 

 

 

 


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  Reply # 1630574 14-Sep-2016 23:36
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Yepp ., you appreciate this kind of  thing when you have kids.

 

 

 

2 Atoms were talking and one said, you know, i think i have lost an electron.

 

The other one said, are you sure?

 

1st atom said, yepp, I'm positive.

 

 

 

Badoom tish.


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  Reply # 1630803 15-Sep-2016 11:40
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Given the number of dog jokes above, it reminds me of a 'joke' I made up a few years back, clearly at a point my two brats were driving me crazy:

 

Q. What's the difference between a dog and a young child?

 

A. You can put the dog down.


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  Reply # 1630804 15-Sep-2016 11:40
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Redhead tells blonde: "I've slept with a Brazilian".

 

"OMG you slut"  "err .. how many is a brazilian?" 


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