Child free by choice or otherwise

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#1987224 2-Apr-2018 16:58

lNomNoml:

Also I can't really look after myself let alone a child :D

I turn 40 this year and feel much the same, yet I've managed to bring up a bunch of step kids and in the processing of bringing up two of my own without any major issues because of it so far :-P

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elpenguino

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#1987227 2-Apr-2018 17:24

We'll, respect @lias. Step kids is extra challenging parenting from friends I see in that position.

DarthKermit

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#1987258 2-Apr-2018 18:48

I've had a few ex partners with children. I was never a "step father" to any of them as I've never wanted that kind of role. I've preferred women without kids as it makes things a lot less complicated.

DaveB

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#1987277 2-Apr-2018 19:35

Geektastic: One of my brothers had his first (and to date only) child when he was 44 or thereabouts.

One of my other brothers had two in his early 20's and he found it hilarious that one of us was starting so old. The idea of being 60 ish with an 18 year old doesn't strike me as fun. YMMV of course!

I wasn't going to reply to the OP because I think it is too difficult to judge and too easy to be judged. BUT:-

I also left that choice late. Well circumstances made it late because I was out enjoying my life, selfishly enjoying every minute. A high income producer and earner, I travelled backwards and forwards between what I considered a carefree and safe world here in NZ, and a family in the UK that I had left behind when I came over here for a 6 month holiday many years earlier.

Because I was enjoying a social life that many would envy at that time, I had no interest in changing things. Like most humans, I was (and to a certain extent, still am) a selfish individual who focused on the "now" and avoided any full time relationships and commitments. Oh the stories I can tell!

But things can change. And for some of us, we cannot help but eventually question if those changes came too late or came about just in time. A bad relationship - thankfully short-lived, but one that produced a wonderful daughter who is now 23 years of age created problems of it's own.

Thankfully, after a mutual divorce we overcame that. Well almost. Child support payments that become payable when you are in a new relationship can create even more additional problems, especially when a new child is involved!

Regardless, my daughter and new wife are both incredibly "family responsive" to what is now "their extended family." My daughter is a rock and we all got through it.

So, fast forward a few years and I have two wonderful kids from one wonderful relationship. And I adore them both.

So would I change anything? Oh yeah!

At 61 years of age and blessed with both a 23 year old daughter and 12 year old son, I have come to the conclusion that I should not have been so selfish and put myself first in those earlier years, because time can run away with you. My health is not great and things need to change. The reality is that quite possibly, my son may not have as much time to enjoy the full family life, encouragement and longer term support that I was fortunate enough to enjoy through my parents planning a family when they were at a young age. But that is the way they did it in those days.

At the end of the day and with hindsight, I wish I was at least 10 to 15 years younger, if only to give my son the same type of family support I enjoyed, especially when I consider the way the world is heading. My daughter lives her own life now and that is wonderful. But I treasure each loud, noisy, annoying, giggle, laughter or just general windup that leaves my son's mouth. I treasure it because at 61 years of age, you suddenly realize that your (young) kids have a lifetime ahead of them and I will only be able to share a small part of that with them.

How times have changed. Regardless, we do not know what we have missed out on, unless we actually recognize it. But then it can be a little too late.

There really is NO right or wrong answer, just opinions.

DarthKermit

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#1987285 2-Apr-2018 19:53

DaveB:

I also left that choice late. Well circumstances made it late because I was out enjoying my life, selfishly enjoying every minute. A high income producer and earner, I travelled backwards and forwards between what I considered a carefree and safe world here in NZ, and a family in the UK that I had left behind when I came over here for a 6 month holiday many years earlier.

Because I was enjoying a social life that many would envy at that time, I had no interest in changing things. Like most humans, I was (and to a certain extent, still am) a selfish individual who focused on the "now" and avoided any full time relationships and commitments. Oh the stories I can tell!

Um, who exactly were you being selfish towards by doing all of that?

DaveB

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#1987291 2-Apr-2018 20:11

DarthKermit:

Um, who exactly were you being selfish towards by doing all of that?

Maybe "self-serving" "at an earlier stage in life" is a better definition.

As I stated

"Regardless, we do not know what we have missed out on, unless we actually recognize it. But then it can be a little too late. There really is NO right or wrong answer, just opinions".

Maybe I should have added "just opinions .... that are formed later in life". Again, there is no right or wrong answer to your question.

DarthKermit

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#1987294 2-Apr-2018 20:16

IMO, most of what we do is self-serving in one way or another.

As far as children go, each to their own. I'm more pissed off with people who pop out kid after kid when they have no ability to provide support for them.

DaveB

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#1987306 2-Apr-2018 20:39

DarthKermit:

IMO, most of what we do is self-serving in one way or another.

As far as children go, each to their own. I'm more pissed off with people who pop out kid after kid when they have no ability to provide support for them.

People that pop out kid after kid? Is it really that one sided and simplistic? I really do think that is a topic for another thread, rather than spoil this one.

I do however agree with your "self serving" comments. But I think that changes as we get older. The fact is we all age and mature in different ways and stages. These are invariably based on changing circumstances and maybe our acceptance (or not) of changing responsibilities and expectations.

I was more interested in your earlier comments below

DarthKermit:
I've had a few ex partners with children. I was never a "step father" to any of them as I've never wanted that kind of role. I've preferred women without kids as it makes things a lot less complicated.

If you've preferred women without kids for the reasons you state, why have you had a few ex partners with children? I really am quite confused.

Geektastic

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#1987310 2-Apr-2018 20:48

DarthKermit:

IMO, most of what we do is self-serving in one way or another.

As far as children go, each to their own. I'm more pissed off with people who pop out kid after kid when they have no ability to provide support for them.

I do think it is essential to be self-aware enough that you only have them if you truly are prepared for all the sacrifice, expense and so on that is the inevitable consequence.

It is such a massive choice and I think it is often taken far too glibly.

As we have seen here, being a parent is not for everybody and those for whom it is not the way should be encouraged and supported not to do it.

freitasm

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#1987372 3-Apr-2018 07:29

Removed some replies. @cadman no need to be crude. The jokes didn't work.

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kryptonjohn

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#1987412 3-Apr-2018 08:38

I couldn't even begin to imagine how much poorer my life would be without our children.

Mind you, I couldn't even begin to imagine how much financially wealthier I would be without them either!

But the prior defeats the latter, not even close.

trig42

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#1987442 3-Apr-2018 09:47

I'm 45. My wife had three children when we met (22 years ago now).

So, I got 3 step-children, and she didn't want any more (and had taken steps before we met to prevent that :P). They are great, and now I also have two step-grandchildren (who both see me as their grandfather).

I do not miss having my own kids. I think my parents may have, but they got over it pretty quickly (there was a danger of the family name dying with me, but one of my uncles had a boy so there is still hope ;))

No regrets, would do again.

Lizard1977

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#1987450 3-Apr-2018 09:57

I became a dad relatively late in life (but not as late as some others here). Like so many others have said, this is a combination of factors - I studied at uni for 7 years, worked for a few years after that before getting married and eventually buying a house. My wife and I were fairly equivocal on the idea of having kids, and we decided about five years ago that we would "get out of the way of nature" and if we ended up having kids then we would accept that. Our first daughter was born four years ago, while our second was born last year.

I absolutely adore my kids, though as others have said it can be both exhilarating and frustrating in a matter of seconds. There are definitely times when I wonder how much easier life would be if we didn't have kids - more money, more freedom, etc. It would definitely be nice to get more regular sleep, especially after a night like last night when I just got a few hours sleep scattered through the night. But then one of the kids will say or do something that blows my mind. I sometimes consider them something like an ongoing experiment in psychology, philosophy, biology, physics, and sociology. Watching a child's brain develop is so remarkable. Seeing first hand as they reach some milestone or achievement, or helping them overcome some obstacle, is rewarding beyond description. Just last night, my eldest daughter had the biggest tantrum to date (there've been a lot of these lately). Helping her work through the overwhelming emotions, unpicking the problem, and watching her processing all the new information, made me step back and marvel at the little human that my wife and I created. Then she sits at the dinner table, sullenly contemplating everything that's just happened, then looks at me and says with complete sincerity "I love you daddy" and I can't imagine my world without her. I have lots of nieces and nephews, but it's completely different when you live and breathe a child's life with them.

I do sometimes regret not having kids earlier. I sometimes wonder if we had had our kids 10 years earlier, then we would be (mostly) done with the broken sleep, the 3am feeds, and all the other dramas that are going on at the moment (though teens bring a whole new raft of problems, I know). Having kids earlier would undoubtedly have been easier on my aching muscles - having kids at this age makes me feel a lot older than I really am. I do also worry about how my kids will experience their childhood with a dad who won't be able to run around with them quite as much as if I was younger. But I can't change that. The best I can do is try and keep myself as healthy and active as possible. My dad died before I turned 30. I just hope that I can be there for my kids at least as long as my dad was for me.

reven

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#1987486 3-Apr-2018 10:45

I never really thought about it, my son just kinda happened. I was 25 a the time, so kinda young, but old enough to get my life sorted (finished uni, started my career). Didnt have a house though, so when he was 2 I had to move back into my parents for a couple of years to pay off my student loan and get a house deposit. Luckily I bought in auckland just before house prices went crazy.

hes 9 now, basically my best friend, the person I usually want to hang out with and do stuff with. Very similar interests, think it would have been different with a girl. I'm a little apprehensive having another one in case its a girl :) Boys are just so much fun, and teenage girls would be so annoying....

but yeah kids can be a PITA.

kryptonjohn

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#1987487 3-Apr-2018 10:51

Well... My 11 and 17yo boys can be a challenge but my 13yo daughter is just an angel. The boys just want to be on technology all day long whereas my daughter's favourite things are hanging out with friends or playing cricket!

Some of my friends had kids a lot younger than me and it was tough for them at the time. But now their kids are grown up and they're on easy street whereas I have another 6 years before mine are all done with school.

But the doozy is another friend had first kids at the age of 48 and got twins. His life was pretty much hell for a couple of years.

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