To be or not to be.
To do is to be.
To be is to do.
Do be do be do.
A skiing holiday...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn,
and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way
and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid
I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, she just died and left me everything!
A golfer and a leprechaun
A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for
the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the
golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the
little green guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye
got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I
don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I
didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was
fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
him.! I'll give him three things I would want a great golf
game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is
back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the
leprechaun waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous
international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's
good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And
tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and
says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How
many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once
-sometimes twice a week."
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish."
Some bible humour - How the Bible would have been different if written by University Students...
10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next
9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five,
double-spaced, and written in large font.
8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned.
7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten,
anything is better than college food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to
5. Reason Cain Killed Abel: they were flatting together
and the dishes weren't getting done.
4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs
would be lecture theatres in October.
3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual
harassment committee concerning Gods unwanted advances.
2. The reason why Moses and the followers walked in the
desert for forty years: they didn't want to ask
directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and
resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until
the night before it was due and then pulled an all-
To Finish it off; a favourite of mine...
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome
here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he
wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They
strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who
will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will
know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded
that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. .
Other related posts:
Terrible, bad and a selection of Groaner jokes..
Large Hadron Collider Live Streaming webcam
Some Old classic jokes - "groaners"