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xpd

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  Reply # 132335 21-May-2008 14:53 Send private message

Two blondes are walking along a path when one exclaims "Oh look, a dead pigeon"
The other blonde looks up tot he sky and says "Where ?"




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Master Geek


  Reply # 134408 30-May-2008 12:12 Send private message

An Irish guy is the final stages of a job interview

The interviewer says "well so far Paddy we're quite impressed, though we have one last test for you to do.
I'll ask you three questions which you have to answer in the same manner, whatever approach you use you need to stick to it only adding to the previous answers.

Question one; "With out writing letters, numbers or counting, please express then number 3"

Paddy replies "owwh dats easy" and scribbles a picture of a Tree and emphasizes "tree" which sounds just like three!

interviewer says "fair enough but now I want you to express 33 and remember its just by adding to your previous answer"

Paddy replies "owwh dats easy" and smears the tree, dabbing random dots over it and exclaims "dirty tree" which sounds like 33

The interviewer is clearly quite impressed but is sure that the next question will trip paddy up, "ok paddy you've done very well so far but I'm afraid the games up, you can't possibly answer the next question. "Ok for the last question please express 100 with the same strategy"

Paddy relies "oww now dats a bit harder" He pauses for a few moments tapping the pencil and then starts to liven the picture up a bit, adding a man and a dog walking by the tree, though he's not quite happy with his rendition and puts the pencil down looking at the picture frowning a little as if trying to frame it in his mind. The interviewer looks on with what can only be described as smug satisfaction and says "Is that your answer!" Paddy looks up at the interviewer slowly and says "oh no its just the perspectives not quite right, I know the answer alright but as you're so convinced the games up I was simply killing some time, to satisfy you.   

He picks up the pencil and quickly draws another tree to the left puts a picture of a clock in between and puts a little blob at the lower right of the second tree finishes off putting a circle around the picture and passes it over to the interviewer, saying "there you go, see was easy after all"

The Interviewer looks at the picture and says so how does that make 100. Paddy sighs and point it all out, well you see the man and his dog they're walking by the trees and the dog has left behind a little something right, so you take the tree on the left substitute the clock in the middle to mean times the tree on the right the "Dirty tree" and what the dog left behind rounded, pointing out the circle!   "Tree time "dirty tree and a turd rounded" = 100!

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  Reply # 134470 30-May-2008 17:14 Send private message

PARTY IN ALASKA!!!



Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land
in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops "Gotta warn you.....be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter . Just gonna be the two of us.







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Reply # 134640 31-May-2008 17:49 Send private message

I found a folder with 500+ jokes in my Outlook so I will post here some:

To start let's see some Corporate Jokes:
                               
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have  on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel nd stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. 
 

Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the owel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was  that?"


"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.


"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"            
 

Moral of the story:  If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time  with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.               

----------------------------------


A priest observed a nun standing on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.  The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he  stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.


The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"


The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.     

However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.


The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"


Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."


Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story:  Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!


-------------------------------


A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."


"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.


In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on  the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof!  He's gone.


"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story:  Always let your boss have the first say.







Hawkes Bay
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  Reply # 134659 31-May-2008 19:20 Send private message

A reminder that this thread is not for discussions at all. If you must make a comment, include a joke as well, or I will just delete your post as per the first post!!

Post your jokes. Watch your language. Its a family show (consider it to be about R13). Take your discussions elsewhere - its a joke thread, not a soapbox thread!! If you are new forum user, this is an easy way to get involved on the forums BUT you still have to post on the introductions forum, or we will ziggle your woggle with a moggelllated figgle.


101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.




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  Reply # 135087 3-Jun-2008 00:31 Send private message

How the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

and that's when the fight started..



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  Reply # 136776 9-Jun-2008 20:13 Send private message




Indonesian Hell :)

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indonesian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indonesian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Goverment servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen for the rest of the day........!!!

PS: I am Indonesian so I am allowed
Tongue out




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  Reply # 136779 9-Jun-2008 20:23 Send private message

A man walks into a doctors office, naked but covered in gladwrap.

Doctor turns to him and says "Well I can clearly see your nuts".

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  Reply # 136782 9-Jun-2008 20:28 Send private message

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers.  If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.

They called on the priest.  He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior.  He agreed to see them, but only one at a time.

The younger brother went first.  He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?" in a mild voice.

The younger brother just sat there.  The priest asked again, "Where's God?"  The boy again just sat there.

The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?'

Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his  room at home, where he hid under the bed.  His older brother came in and asked what was wrong.

The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"





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  Reply # 136784 9-Jun-2008 20:32 Send private message

A man walks into a Doctors office clearly distressed

"Doctor Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home?!"

"Ahh ... you have Tom Jones syndrome" replied the Doctor.

"Is that rare"

"Its not unusual"

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  Reply # 136796 9-Jun-2008 21:41 Send private message

US Military Warnings
US Military Warnings issued by the American military to their own troops:

"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.
"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine Corps.
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop.
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual.
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal.
"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance.
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal.
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon.
"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your comrades.
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - USAF Ammo Troop.

Airline chatter
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

========================================================
"TWA2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

========================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown
aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

========================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

=========================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in
English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=======================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

========================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

========================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate groundcontroller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

10 posts

Wannabe Geek


  Reply # 136811 9-Jun-2008 22:43 Send private message

Dont hurt me...

---

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

.
.
.

Half a dog.

---

The best knock knock joke ever. (YouTube link)

---

Guy 1: Do you know the difference between roller towels and toilet paper?
Guy 2: No...
Guy 1: So it was you, you dirty bastard!

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  Reply # 136814 9-Jun-2008 22:56 Send private message

A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
“This is great,” he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. “I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, “What the hell am I doing? I too old for this kind of thing” and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver’s side.
“Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked back at the Policeman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The Policeman said, “Have a nice day.”

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  Reply # 136829 10-Jun-2008 00:05 Send private message





307 posts

Ultimate Geek


  Reply # 137244 11-Jun-2008 10:05 Send private message

Paddy has a strange new disease. 

He walks into the doctors' and says "Doctor, you've got to help me.  I woke up this morning and there was a steering wheel growing on my penis.' 

'What's wrong with that', the doctor asks.

Paddy replies 'It's driving me nuts...'

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