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Reply # 180648 27-Nov-2008 11:42 Send private message

He finally did it .......

escape key




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  Reply # 183529 11-Dec-2008 14:42 Send private message

Why Parents Drink..... (reason #74)

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was
absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent
problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

" Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman. "

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME. "





 

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  Reply # 183552 11-Dec-2008 15:38 Send private message

FINALLY - IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN AUSTRALIA!!!!!   Only an Aussie could pull this one off! A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.   The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.   After what seemed an eternity he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly and erratically down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breath test. To his amazement the breath test indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.   The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breath testing equipment must be broken.'   'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
   

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  Reply # 184256 15-Dec-2008 13:34 Send private message

Girls need time and money: Girls = Time x Money
We know Time is Money: Time = Money
New equation: Girls = Money x Money or (Money ^ 2) 
We also know Money is the root of evil: Money = Sqr(Evil)
So: Girls = (Sqr(Evil))  ^ 2
The point: Girls = Evil




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  Reply # 184258 15-Dec-2008 13:38 Send private message

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed  instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose  husband had passed away only the day before.


When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the  monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.


At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on  the screen:


"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in.  Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


PS. Sure is hot down here."

 





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  Reply # 184260 15-Dec-2008 13:47 Send private message

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and didn't wake up 'til at 8 PM.

 


The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.



"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."


"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"





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  Reply # 184281 15-Dec-2008 14:40 Send private message

A man is out walking one day in his local park and happens upon row upon row of empty cages. He wanders down looking at them until he comes to the last cage, which has a small fluffy dog it in it.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Tongue out

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  Reply # 184685 17-Dec-2008 06:41 Send private message

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.

With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1,000.00


With 'Fannie Mae' (FNM), you would have $11.34 left.


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Lehman Bros one year ago it would now be almost worthless: less than $0.86.


If you had purchased RH Donelley, you would have $45.69 left.


But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund you would have  around  $125.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink excessively and then recycle..............






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  Reply # 184694 17-Dec-2008 07:58 Send private message

Knock kncok!

Who's there?

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Java




We Don't Know How Lucky We Are                                                                                                   POPS To Thanks

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  Reply # 185913 24-Dec-2008 09:46 Send private message

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Calgary noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she is so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant! But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned toward her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta." He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman savagely turned to him and barked, "What the &#@* do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said.... "Ahhh, Air Canada!"




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  Reply # 185915 24-Dec-2008 09:49 Send private message

A man was boarding a plane, and was surprised when he was seated next to a parrot. Once the plane had reached cruising altitude, the stewardess came around with her drink trolley and asked whether the man wanted a drink. He politely asked for a coffee, but when he finished speaking the parrot squawked, "Get me a brandy, you stupid cow!"
The stewardess was taken aback by the parrot's behavior, and came back with its brandy, forgetting about the man's coffee. Later on, the stewardess came by again, and the man reminded her of his coffee, and no sooner had he finished, the parrot squawked, "Get me another brandy, you wh0r3!"
Once again, the stewardess came back with the parrot's brandy, again forgetting about the man's coffee. The man was quite annoyed, and decided to try the parrot's approach: "Fetch me my coffee, b***h!"
With no warning, the flight stewardess grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane. As they plunged toward the ground, the parrot turned to the man and said, "For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy b@$t**d!"




XPD / @DemiseNZ / Gavin
 
Check out "Like A Storm" - Official Site

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Corsair Carbide SPEC-02 / Corsair VS550 / G.SKILL Ripjaws X 8GB / ASUS 260X / ASUS H81M-E / Intel Pentium K Anniversay G3258



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Reply # 187098 2-Jan-2009 23:06 Send private message

Just before England x Brazil at the Millenium Stadium, an important European Championship qualifier game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
 
"What's up?" he asks.
 
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivate for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be bothered."
 
Ronaldo looks at them and says: "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
 
So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get their landlord to put the teletext on.
 
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo, 10 minutes) x 0 England ". He's beating England by himself!!!
 
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers and decide to check. They put the teletext on and it now reads "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo, 10 minutes) x 1 England (Beckham 89 minutes)".
 
They can't believe it. he has single handedly got a draw against England!
 
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find Ronaldo in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
 
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
 
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself!. And they only scored at the very very end!".
 
"No, no, I have, I've let you down! I got sent off after 12 minutes!"






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  Reply # 187099 2-Jan-2009 23:09 Send private message

Given that Al  Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While  visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her  what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself  with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do  so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to  demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.  Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has  a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who  is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank  you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get  that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using  that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his  old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al.  What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has  a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is  it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it  and get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton  immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question  for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in  desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains  his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a  child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is  it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you  idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims,  "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And  Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony  Blair."






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  Reply # 187101 2-Jan-2009 23:16 Send private message

It's October, and an Indian chief (as in Native American) thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect wood.

To double check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.


The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."


So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.


The chief orders all his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can.


Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks,

"Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"


"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."






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  Reply # 191301 22-Jan-2009 13:54 Send private message

Inner peace

 

Some doctor on the television this morning said the way to
achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
started. 
 

So I looked around my house to see the things I had
started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house
this morning, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
shhhardnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vodka, a pockage
of Prunglies, the mainder of bot Prozie and Valum scriptins,
the res of the chesescke an a box a chocolets. You haf no
idr who frkin gud I feel Peas sen this to dem yu fee ar in
ned ov inr pec





 

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