Advice on how to get over a failed relationship

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RickW

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#262029 31-Dec-2019 12:58

I was dumped yesterday from a long term partner and I’m looking for some advise as to how other people have dealt with it. Should I just get straight on tinder to find someone to hook up with, has that helped anyone? I’m hurting quite a lot at the moment 🤦🏼‍♂️

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meow
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#2383284 31-Dec-2019 13:07

Stay off dating sites. It isn’t fair on the person you’ll potentially meet up with if you are still not over your previous relationship.

Go do things. Don’t stay at home and feel sorry for yourself. There is a whole world out there - go for a trip, go see friends, learn a language, take up a new hobby etc. This will help take your mind off your relationship.

Years ago I went through a failed relationship - I spent a few years on self improvement, got a better job and got my life together. Made a whole lot of new friends and travelled. It was well worth it and I’m both a better, stronger person now and have picked up a bunch of new skills. I own a house and have a lovely partner who loves me for who I am.

There is always a better future for yourself if you put some work into it.

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Loismustdye

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#2383291 31-Dec-2019 13:25

If your work offers it take up EAP counsellers. Just talking to someone removed from the situation can help to settle things down alot.
Also, dont call, dont text unless absolutely necessary for exchanging of furniture/property etc. very hard at first but it will only make things harder to deal with in the long run.

xpd

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#2383292 31-Dec-2019 13:33

Go talk to someone, jumping into another relationship regardless if its f'buddies or more serious, is a bad move.

As MM said, keep yourself busy - go do stuff you've been wanting to do.

You'll find someone again when least expect it. :) I got hurt badly many moons ago, stupidly kept in touch with them which ended up hurting more - started hanging around with a good group of friends who introduced to me to other friends and went from there.

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon / Geek of Coastguard New Zealand

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#2383293 31-Dec-2019 13:39

Time.

Get some fresh air, go and buy those bits and pieces you planned to, get out and about. Meet mates for a coffee, beer garden, etc, and chill out but with company to distract you for at leats a wee while. Gets better each day, in 2 or 3 months, you will be fine

Rikkitic

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#2383395 31-Dec-2019 16:09

Time and distraction to get through the bad bits. Don't go looking for love. Don't try to replace the one you lost, or make comparisons. Try not to dwell on it too much. If you have options, consider travelling. If you are bound by work, either work harder or consider quitting. Get an animal if circumstances allow, but remember if it is a long-term commitment. As has been pointed out, time really does make it better. Whatever you do, the hurt won't last forever.

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RickW

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#2383402 31-Dec-2019 16:14

Thanks for the advice guys, it makes it a bit tricky because I’m a solo dad too, my little man is just as cut up as I am by it. I can’t easily uproot either because I have a business in the construction industry. I guess I just need to keep going one day at a time, hopefully it’ll get easier soon.

Rikkitic

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#2383403 31-Dec-2019 16:16

Focus on your little man. To the extent you are able, try to find novel experiences for him to enjoy. It will help you, too.

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quickymart

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#2383449 31-Dec-2019 17:04

Quite timely, this was in the Herald yesterday.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=12295326

RickW

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#2383451 31-Dec-2019 17:09

It’s behind a paywall 🤣

Rikkitic

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#2383460 31-Dec-2019 17:15

Conclusion

Separating can be a sad and difficult process. Make sure you have a good support network around you and keep on good terms with your partner. The more peacefully you can work through your separation together, the more quickly you can move on with your new lives.

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gehenna

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#2383483 31-Dec-2019 18:14

Never been dumped but had my fair share of unrequiteds.

I'm married now and something my wife and I both agree on is that we must have our own interests and hobbies outside of those we share with each other. I think that's what has helped keep us together for nearly 14 years. We've had big ups and downs, and having our own things to lean into during the downs has been super helpful.

I imagine it would also help if we were to ever separate. If you were a do everything together type of couple, then this is probably a great opportunity to figure out what you like to do by yourself.

tehgerbil

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#2383499 31-Dec-2019 18:59

As mentioned - distract yourself.

Be open and honest about the break-up with family/friends. Few things suck more than someone you haven't talked to in a while asking about the other half.

But essentially distract yourself. To be fair, you've probably already found Mr Booze is effective and I'm not one to judge, just be wary of using and abusing him ok over the Christmas break but no-one likes a hungover colleague during the week.

In regards to finances, don't forget to sort out bank accounts - close joint accounts etc (if you have any).

jarledb

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#2383516 31-Dec-2019 20:17

A breakup is one of the most stressful things in life.

It helped me a lot to deal with it the way you deal with any grief, here is the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

They are not necessarily happening in order, and each stage can be happening with another.

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PolicyGuy

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#2383520 31-Dec-2019 20:54

You have my sympathy.
You are at the beginning of an acute grieving process, you might find it useful to find out about how people experience grief, how they can cope with it, and how they can get through it. An old but good writer on the topic is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her book "Five Stages of Grief". A resource like this might help you to understand what is happening to you and, perhaps more importantly, what is happening in your son's life. Check out

From my own experience, I can say that a really important thing is to get help, either professional counselling or though a support group - your Community Advice Bureau should be able to put you in touch. Your resiliency and mental health will be severely stressed over the next few months, don't try to 'tough it out' on your own.

For your son's sake, please make sure that you work really hard not to bad-mouth or put down his mother to him. No matter whose "fault" the relationship breakdown might be, she is still his mother and he needs a relationship with both of you. Never ever use a child as a go-between or a bargaining chip in a failed relationship, it's poison to all involved. I know this will likely be very hard from time to time, but it's really important for the child's mental health.

Best wishes

RickW

298 posts

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#2383523 31-Dec-2019 20:58

Thanks guys, yea I’m into the wine as we speak. It’s not my sons Mum (she passed away) but he sees her as a mother figure and us breaking up also means that she won’t be in his life anymore either which I feel so guilty about.

I’m still wanting to work it out with her but it’s a bit one sided unfortunately.

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