Absolute Beginners Guide to Soccer

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MikeB4

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#976758 29-Jan-2014 15:33

Geektastic:
lyonrouge: So, I'm going to a soccer game on Saturday and want to know the key features. I've read the Soccer for Dummies and How Soccer Works Pages so understand the basic mechanics and offside, however, how will I spot an important play so when people are cheering but no goal is scored I'll understand why?

Two teams, usually 11 per side, usually working class people who can do little else.

Teams waste 90 minutes kicking a ball around a muddy field, trying to kick it in a net.

Everyone goes home.

A lot of them are sodding rich :P

Here is a crazy notion, lets give peace a chance.

lyonrouge

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#976765 29-Jan-2014 15:39

Geektastic:
lyonrouge: So, I'm going to a soccer game on Saturday and want to know the key features. I've read the Soccer for Dummies and How Soccer Works Pages so understand the basic mechanics and offside, however, how will I spot an important play so when people are cheering but no goal is scored I'll understand why?

Two teams, usually 11 per side, usually working class people who can do little else.

Teams waste 90 minutes kicking a ball around a muddy field, trying to kick it in a net.

Everyone goes home.

I've been advised that in UK one can insert violence during the trip to and from the venue, I'm hoping that has not been included in our regional implementation.

Batman

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#976769 29-Jan-2014 15:45

there is no point in watching footy (short for Association Football aka soccer) unless you have no other better things to do

because it is likely to be 0-0 or 1-0 after 3 hours of your life (or sleep)

if you still want a beginners guide here it is

- objective of game: score more goals than the other guys
- how many guys: 20 guys use any part of their body except arms. 2 can use anything in the big rectangle box. 3 more run around the field trying to keep up.
- how long: 90 minutes + whatever the whistle blower adds on (it's anyone's guess)

- what you can't do: you cannot strike an opposition's body part before the ball. if you strike the ball cleanly and then the opposition and he rolls around crying it's ok. if not, then it's up to the whistle blower. under no circumstance are you allowed to approach with your boot studs showing - that's really bad if you get caught. if not, oh well, play on.

- what you should do: kick the ball around until someone decides to kick the ball towards the net aka goal. if it crosses the white line in its entirety you get one point aka goal. you can whack goalwards from anywhere you like.

- to make it easier: your friends should all run around trying to confuse the opposition so that you can kick the ball to an area where no opposition will get to so that your friend can then either whack at the goal or make another pass to another area where no opposition will get to so that guy can whack at the goal. because there is no crystal ball, it appears aimless 99.5% of the time. sometimes you whack at the goal and it goes in. most of the time it doesn't. if you don't try whacking goalwards then there is nearly no chance of it going in although if it does, it becomes goal of the month.

- the offside rule: you are not allowed to stand farther than the farthest opposition that doesn't wear big gloves at the time your friend kicks the ball at you. if your friend is kicking the ball to someone else but you happen to be offside, it's ok if you don't interfere. unless you were in your own half. unless the whistle blower disagrees. in fact you have to do whatever the whistle blower decides regardless of whether the tv shows you are legal or not. bad luck.

you should watch the English premier league if you want excitement. otherwise bring out a book or a pillow.

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#976773 29-Jan-2014 15:49

the penalty box.

there is a big rectangle in either side of the field. if the opponent commits an offense as deemed by the whistle blower you are allowed to chase all your opponents away and send a friend to whack the ball into the goal from the penalty spot. or not. hence you or your friend will likely try to fool the whistle blower into thinking your opposition committed an offense by falling onto the ground and crying very loudly. if he doesn't buy it you're in trouble. only a bit of trouble. so, why not eh?

bad behaviour: yellow card

very very bad behaviour: red card

2 yellow cards: red card

less than 7 friends left: game abandoned.

andrewNZ

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#976777 29-Jan-2014 15:51

Movies lead me to believe that it's acceptable (expected even) to take darts to the game and throw them through/over the fence separating supporters of opposition sides.

TwoSeven

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#976829 29-Jan-2014 17:23

lyonrouge:
Geektastic:
lyonrouge: So, I'm going to a soccer game on Saturday and want to know the key features. I've read the Soccer for Dummies and How Soccer Works Pages so understand the basic mechanics and offside, however, how will I spot an important play so when people are cheering but no goal is scored I'll understand why?

Two teams, usually 11 per side, usually working class people who can do little else.

Teams waste 90 minutes kicking a ball around a muddy field, trying to kick it in a net.

Everyone goes home.

I've been advised that in UK one can insert violence during the trip to and from the venue, I'm hoping that has not been included in our regional implementation.

Not really - that's hooligans who are not real football fans.

However, many clubs go back to the founding days of football (before rugby, league and gridiron were invented for people that could not play football or understand the rules). Said clubs supported the local community and were originally founded by people that worked for the same company. Club support can go back generations - for example I still support the same [east-end] club (as does most of the family) as my great grandfather. There are also friendly rivalries - good for a bit of ribbing - for example said club on the other side of the river Thames that shall not be named.

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TinyTim

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#976893 29-Jan-2014 20:54

Rowan Atkinson's football tactics (his '37-0' skit from the mid 80s)

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