It must be something with this dishwasher, because it started yet another fight tonight. I was waiting for dad to take some of the left overs off so I could load it and he started getting mad because I didn't rinse my plate after breakfast which I understand I should have done but I end up doing the dish's anyways so its not his problem, getting back to the point. He starts slamming the glass's and plates into the washer when I was going to do it and starts saying its my job etc etc... so I went an sat down in the living room and he starts getting angry over things which are no big deal because he's clearly angry at something else. Then he and mum started talking and I couldnt hear them because they were in the other room and he storms out and says "yeh because thats what all drunks do, why don't you all go leave and go to a safe haven ?" and mum said "[dad] you need to cut this out now!" and then he slammed the door and I went to my room. Now he's back now and trying to play it off like nothing happened. He say's "Sam I wasn't trying to be mean before, can we please not fight?" "I don't want to fight but your the one starting" "What am I starting!?" "I was going to do the dishes but you starting packing a $h!t, then storming out of the house saying "Oh yeh this is what alcoholics do go to your safe haven" and I know your angry about what I said before" "Oh com'on Sam, Please. Do you want anything at the dairy?" "No". So now I'm lying on my bed typing this out.
If he claims he's not an alcoholic, then challenge him to prove it, no alcohol for a week, you should give up something you enjoy too to be fair. If he has a drinking problem, then you need to have a way to show him that he does.
I'll also be quite frank and say that it sounds like he might not be happy, and that if your parents are "sticking it out" because of the children, that's not a good way to be, if I'm right, you should let them know that if they want to separate, you'd be ok with it (and if you wouldn't, you need to think about that, a miserable dad who drinks and hides in his study, or a happy dad who lives somewhere else).
PS: If Sam is short for Samantha, you could always try turning on the waterworks, a few tears, "dad your drinking really scares me, I don't know whats going on etc etc" might be enough to break through. Probably wouldn't work if Sam is for Samuel though.
@sleemanj; I think I'd like to have mum and dad together if possible. Dad's said alot in the past that he doesnt ever want to leave mum. And I don't know what I could give up that come anywhere near close to alcohol. My cell phone is hardly addictive since I send maybe 10-20 texts a day, laptop I guess could come close but I would hardly call that something I depend upon. I'll keep thinking on what I could do with that, coz that seems like a good idea. And yeh, Sam ----> Samuel :P although I have cried infront of him on fights that get me really pissed off and that usually makes him stop but I dont think it would help here.
tardtasticx: Dad came up to me today and said mum had spoken to him about the drinking. He said its a bit excessive that I call him an alcoholic and that he doesn't come in off his face drunk and beat up mum and us etc... I know not all alcoholics do that and I'm glad he doesn't do this. And all through this conversation, he was sipping on a bottle of beer. He said he's going to slow down so I'll see what happens.
i'm not just trying to help so if it's not helpful just ignore this
yes it's good for him to acknowledge and want to change. that's the biggest barrier to 'quitting'.
BUT i dont think it's enough and that he needs help. overcoming this by oneself is like trying to win the olympics without a coach or structured training.
need support persons, constant encouragement when fails multiple times, but the strongest barrier is probably social group and seeing alcohol. ever tried to stop chocoholics eating chocolates when they see some? (and he MUST know this)
try the AA (alcoholics anonymous) - when he meets his ex school mate, his GP his lawyer in the AA it's very empowering
i'm not just trying to help so if it's not helpful just ignore this
yes it's good for him to acknowledge and want to change. that's the biggest barrier to 'quitting'.
BUT i dont think it's enough and that he needs help. overcoming this by oneself is like trying to win the olympics without a coach or structured training.
need support persons, constant encouragement when fails multiple times, but the strongest barrier is probably social group and seeing alcohol. ever tried to stop chocoholics eating chocolates when they see some? (and he MUST know this)
try the AA (alcoholics anonymous) - when he meets his ex school mate, his GP his lawyer in the AA it's very empowering
Yeh he has been to AA before. He got done for drink driving years back. It wasnt very much over the limit and I too think it was a bit unfair he got his licence off him for 2 years and had to start from scratch. But it was his fault and he had to suffer the consequences I guess. He had to go to so many AA meetings before he could resit his licence. Didn't last very long though.
manta: A technique you may want to think about is to video dad when he's not behaving in the sort of way that he doesn't remember - you, or your mum, might then be able to demonstrate to him just how much he changes when he drinks.
Your school and your GP will be able to help, and you might want to suggest to your mum that some family counselling may also help.
Your situation is actually quite common so you will not be shocking people you talk to and nor will they be at all judgemental; alcoholism is commonly considered to be an illness.
Be strong and remain committed to helping dad. Good luck.
Sam, I know exactly how you feel, seriously.. i'm not just saying that, Ive been in the same position for a long time.
When I read your post, it reminded me so much of what I've experienced, It actually broke my heart, because I know how hard it is. My father is quite similar, some would say worse-but thats a different story. The real focus of this forum is on you, not me. I think we are of similar age? You say your having problems at school? I've had problems at school. I understand completely and acknowledge how unfair it is to go to school and encounter abuse, and then to come home and experience the same thing.
You and your mother cannot make your father change, your father has to realize he is the one that really needs help. You cannot make anyone go to see a professional unless they are willing, he wont be able to break his habit unless he is willing to. Your his son, he loves you, and he loves your mum. Even though it doesn't seem like that its true, sometimes its the hardest thing to believe true at the time, but its sometimes the only thing you've got left to hold onto.
If you look at your fathers perspective on things, you could ask yourself or your mother if there is a reason he is drinking? perhaps he is having problems in his life that you are unaware of? stress at work, relationship issues with your mum? Many alcoholics-my father included do not think they have a problem, and if you confront them they will often get very very VERY angry, as they don't see themselves in that way. Its almost as if the cannot see their own reflection, and are unaware how they appear to other. Alcoholism can lead into a particular nasty thing called "Depression" you have probably heard of it, its quite common. Your father needs your support and help, hes just willing to admit it yet. Stick with him though, even if he does hit you or verbally abuse you, he still loves you and wants the best for you.
I would recommend going to your schools counceller or even talking to a teacher that your really trust, as they often are willing to help and give you great advice. If things get seriously bad at home, you must tell someone. Lets just say if your dad got drunk one night and became very violent, for example had a knife (personal experience) what would you do? where would you go? I have an action plan, I have a very good friend who lives about 5 minutes away from me, I'll just txt her whenever and she will come and pick me up. The most important thing to you at the moment is making sure that things don't get out of hand and keeping yourself and your mother safe.
Speaking about depression, It can be an awful, awful thing. Children with an Alcoholic parent are twice as likely to develop Alcoholism latter in life, as there has been a study which proves the connection between alcoholism and genetics. So you and I have to be extra careful. Also doubled is your risk of developing depression if a parent is alcoholic, so just be careful about how much you drink.
One thing you can take out of this experience, well one thing I know is that, Im going to be different from my father, to my (future) children, Im not going to put them through the childhood I had, Im going to let them live in a house where they don't fear there father, and there is no conflict in there family. Yeah thats what Im going to do, you should look at your father as an example of what you dont want to be like for your future family.
There's my two cents worth, best of luck my friend. From someone who knows a lot about pain and suffering, but someone who has come out of it with positive ideas for the future, Hang in there love. x
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