Alcoholic Father

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tardtasticx

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Topic # 60613 28-Apr-2010 22:44

For a while I've known my dad has had an alcohol problem. I've talked to friends about it and they already knew, because he drinks when they are over and they've noticed he gets a bit tipsy. This happens on an almost daily basis. Every night its out to the Rumpus room where he sits on the phone talking with his mates getting absolutely wasted. When he's done at around 8-9pm he comes to the living room, thumping on the stairs, slamming the doors and trying to act sober. We try not to get him involved in conversations because he just goes mental when we disagree on something. Like the other night me and mum were joking about a time when I little she said there was 356 days a year and i believed her and dad thought I didn't know how many days there were and saying "oh and I'm meant to be the dumbass around here" (because he says he didnt pass school cert but he's successful in life anyways) then we started swearing at each other from across the house which ended with me telling him straight to the face to "GET F&%KED!" and taking my laptop to my room. Later he says I shouldn't talk to him like that and I said "Don't talk to me Dad, get out of my room" and then went to bed. Next day he had no recollection of what happend. I know you might think I'm ranting on but you can see how annoying this is to happen every other night or so. Mum's threatened to leave him before after a big row one night at about 2am on a wednesday. He called bluff and won basically. What should I do to get him to realise how much pressure this is having on me? School alone is stressful enough because not so long ago I had a knife put to my throat before class, and I dont need to go home and get yelled at from him. Do any of you guys have/had alcoholic parent/s? What did you do to try sort them out? I was thinking the other night I could stay at my grandma's house for a few days to show him I wont put up with it but I don't want to leave my mum and younger brother there with him because he'll go off at them too and neither of them would be able to stand up to him.

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Sam, Auckland

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Reply # 324455 28-Apr-2010 23:00

I am sorry you are going through this. I am posting from my phone so will be short. Try help/support from something like http://www.cads.org.nz/More/FamilyFriendsSupport.asp for example.

Will try to expand on this when in front of my laptop tomorrow morning.

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Reply # 324458 28-Apr-2010 23:03

Hi Sam, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately addictions aren't usually that easy for people to get over and many people end up losing their family, home, friends, etc due to things like this. The initial hurdle is likely for him to accept he has an issue...

I'd suggest getting yourself/family hooked into a group like Al-Anon which is specifically aimed at family members of alcoholics: http://www.al-anon.org.nz/ Alternatively one of your local churches or community groups (Salvation Army, etc) might also be in a position to offer assistance if they have relevant experience.

I have a good mate who himself has struggled on and off with addiction (gambling) and nearly lost his marriage over it - his dad was an alcoholic who ended up in an early grave. Good to try and help your dad and your family before it really ruins his life and has a bigger flow on effect to other members of the family.

Let us know how you get on. It can be a long road.

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HiJinx

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Reply # 324513 29-Apr-2010 07:43

Do you have a counselor at your school? It may pay to go and see them and they would be able to point you in the right direction, and probably sort out the situation where you had the knife to your throat.

Best of luck.

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VFNZPaulBrislen

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Reply # 324540 29-Apr-2010 09:16

Hang in there... I know from my own experience it's not easy but you will get through this.

Have a look at Alac's website - they've got advice, people you can talk to, the whole nine yards.

There's also AA - they can offer advice and guidance for friends and family of alcoholics as well.

And I know a number of people who've had help from Youthline - they're great, they've got huge amounts of experience and know what's what. You can TXT them on 234 and have a TXT conversation with them if you want to do it that way rather than calling.

You're not on your own. It's easy to get caught thinking you're the only one in this kind of situation but trust me, you're not.

Paul

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freitasm

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Reply # 324544 29-Apr-2010 09:24

I see you got some good advice there now. Follow through some of those links provided and you won't be trying to solve it by yourself.

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Kaos36

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Reply # 324555 29-Apr-2010 09:40

Next time your dad is having a drink take a 6 pack of coke and go down and have a drink with him, get to know your dad sounds like to me hes on his own in the house, where his only comfort is his beer and his mates. Just two questions: Is your dad physically abusive towards your mother and you or is it just verbal rants that come from his mouth. Verbal rants is one thing but physical abuse is wrong. But your never said he hits your mom or anything in that matter. Try and be his friend if that fails face him when hes sober and tell him straight what hes doing to you and the family.

Sorry probably not the best advice.

I had a uncle just like your father, everyone was scared of him never hit anyone but was just a pain in the butt when drunk then one day when i was old enough to drink i went to the garage which he had set up his own private bar and had a drink with him, after many beers later this uncle of mine who is 6' 7 and build like an ox broke down and cried his heart out. He had a lot of personal problems he couldn't talk about to his wife cause he thought it would be too un-man like. So he drank instead.

Some men dont know how to ask for help so they take to the bottle, get drunk then take it out on the family.

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tardtasticx

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Reply # 324677 29-Apr-2010 13:08

I text youthline and they said i should speak to my mum about it first. And in regards to the knife incident it's going to be hard because james cook is the only school in zone for wattle downs. And from what i've heard, the other schools aren't much better. I'll see if he gets drunk tonight and hopefully he starts an argument too so i can prove it more to mum. I'm just not sure if she'll actually take it seriously or not. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks for the advice you guys. And about going there and sitting down and having a talk, been there and done that. It's like talking to a 4 year old. stuttering and stumbling all over the place, you cant keep a conversation going. But thanks and i'll post back when i'm home.

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tardtasticx

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Reply # 324927 29-Apr-2010 19:47

I talked to mum tonight. While I was loading the dishwasher I said "are you able to talk to dad about his drinking problem? I'm not scared of him but its just gotten to far now and he needs to stop or slow down" and she said "I've talked to him before, look where it got us, but I'll speak to him for you again" "thanks mum". Dad walked in and said "You know I have good hearing". I didn't say anything to him. Finished with the dishwasher and left. Not sure how its going to turn out, he hasn't mentioned it yet, this happened right after dinner so like, 6-6.30. I'll let you know if anything happens. Thanks for the advice guys.

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manta

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Reply # 324941 29-Apr-2010 20:13

A technique you may want to think about is to video dad when he's not behaving in the sort of way that he doesn't remember - you, or your mum, might then be able to demonstrate to him just how much he changes when he drinks.

Your school and your GP will be able to help, and you might want to suggest to your mum that some family counselling may also help.

Your situation is actually quite common so you will not be shocking people you talk to and nor will they be at all judgemental; alcoholism is commonly considered to be an illness.

Be strong and remain committed to helping dad. Good luck.

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Reply # 324993 29-Apr-2010 21:48

Mate, I can't offer much more helpful advice than what's already been given by other members. But all I can really offer is some words of support.
So hang in there and take advantage of all your options you have avaliable to you.

chiefie

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Reply # 324996 29-Apr-2010 21:58

Defnitely YouthLine and Citizen Advise Bureau [http://www.cab.org.nz/].

You gotta talk to someone about this, and keep a phone nearby at heated discussion, and be ready to call for help.

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tardtasticx

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Reply # 324997 29-Apr-2010 21:59

Thanks again for the support. I think mum has talked to him but he still hasn't said a word about it yet. Just waiting to see what happens. Tomorrow is Friday and he'll most likely get drunk again so I'll see if he starts another fight and call my grandma about getting out of the house for a few days just to show him that I'm not going to put up with it.

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tardtasticx

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Reply # 325006 29-Apr-2010 22:22

chiefie: Defnitely YouthLine and Citizen Advise Bureau [http://www.cab.org.nz/].

You gotta talk to someone about this, and keep a phone nearby at heated discussion, and be ready to call for help.

I know my dad won't hit me, its just the words can be hurtful sometimes. Like the other night I think I mentioned in the original post that he said "And I'm supposed to be the thick one!" and later on called us all c&#t's from the other side of the house like it meant nothing at all. And I did text youthline today who basically said to speak to mum about it and keep them posted. The government have done stuff to slow down the sale of smokes, why not do something this sudden to alcohol but increase it more, say like 20% rise effect of midnight.

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bazzer

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Reply # 325109 30-Apr-2010 09:22

tardtasticx: The government have done stuff to slow down the sale of smokes, why not do something this sudden to alcohol but increase it more, say like 20% rise effect of midnight.

Because smoking (anything) has a more pronounced effect on your mortality and morbidity, and not everyone is an alcoholic.

tardtasticx

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Reply # 325376 30-Apr-2010 17:28

Dad came up to me today and said mum had spoken to him about the drinking. He said its a bit excessive that I call him an alcoholic and that he doesn't come in off his face drunk and beat up mum and us etc... I know not all alcoholics do that and I'm glad he doesn't do this. And all through this conversation, he was sipping on a bottle of beer. He said he's going to slow down so I'll see what happens.

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