Not tech related, new father post.

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#1481649 30-Jan-2016 10:30

blackjack17:

Probably way too early, but if your wife is planning on going back to work and you have a spare room consider getting an au pair, they are very affordable. For ten dollars more than having my daughter in day care five days a week we have someone look after her one on one (for 3 days a week the other two she is at day care), take her to swimming lessons, music group, help out in the mornings, help out on sick days etc.

Friends of mine in the UK had an unbroken series of French and German au pairs until their kids were about 13!

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#1482080 31-Jan-2016 07:42

joker97:
1. Learn to hate sleep. Really really hate it. And then learn to hate everything you like, just don't even think about doing the things you want to do. Ever again.

2. If you are a control freak, might as well just die now. You will never be in control of anything. Of when you sleep, wake, eat, go to toilet, leave the house, be at the mall, be at work, gym .... etc

3. Learn to expect the unexpected and laugh at everything. Learn the meaning of the lady is always right. Because when she it tired, you're going to get it. Big time. And she's going to be tired. All. The. Time. Especially when you are more tired. Heard of judge judy? She's in your house. You just don't know it yet.

4. Oh, better hate money too. Might as well give it to everyone else, the shops, the supermarket.

Lol. I have to agree, your life will be turned upside down, but then after several years you'll realise that your life was upside down before the kids came along and they helped/forced you to put it up the right way.

If your boss doesn't have kids, he/she will never understand why you can arrive at work on Monday tired from the 2 days off work, change jobs now.

Stop buying nice things they'll only get broken. Agree with previous poster books are great, when your daughter is old enough read to her everynight. It's magical time together.

Ensure you and your partner have regular dates, children put a strain on a relationship, it's hard work. Without the dates you become Mum & Dad only, and not the fun couple you once were. Very important to keep the relationship with your partner joyful. Schedule time for your partner to do her things, a timeout to have fun with her friends and hobbies. Rearing children is tiring, especially for a breast feeding mother who is waking up during the night to feed the baby.

This comment may rub some people the wrong way, but I will say it anyway because I totally believe it. Consider getting married, because it creates security for your partner and child and a foundation for your family. I've seen it strengthen families.

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#1482083 31-Jan-2016 07:55

jeffnz:
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN...

Test 1

Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children, ENJOY

So true!
I am a father of 3 boys.

SumnerBoy

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#1482111 31-Jan-2016 10:38

Be prepared well ahead of the due date!!

Our due date was March 2nd and we had a good friend getting married in Nelson two weeks ago. We thought with 7 weeks to go we would have no worries flying up for a week, attend the wedding, and have our last little holiday as a childless couple.

The nursery was 75% done, but we still had quite a few things to get organised, like a car seat, bassinet etc. Again, we figured we had 7 weeks to get that all sorted...

Next thing my wife is having contractions as we drove thru Motueka and 2 hours later we have a gorgeous baby girl in our arms, after an ambulance ride to Nelson hospital.

We have now been in the Nelson neo natal unit for 2.5 weeks waiting for a transfer back to ChCh, where they are chocka block and can't fit us in.

Mum and bubs are fine now, but we still have a load of things to organise when we finally get home, and god knows when we find the time to do all that!

So yeah, get prepared well ahead of schedule, you never know when she will decide it is time to arrive.

mattwnz

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#1482198 31-Jan-2016 13:15

Geektastic:
Did you mean you just found out it was a girl, or that your partner was pregnant for 4 months before you noticed?

I was thinking the same thing when I read it. Personally I think I would prefer the surprise on whether it was m or for, but realiss that people like to plan, make sure they are in the right school zones etc. Probably the biggest thing is that you life is now mainly all about the child rather than yourselves. But also don't cut people out if your life, as much of your time will now revolve around children, and it is a subculture.

andrewNZ

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#1482340 31-Jan-2016 17:34

mattwnz:
Geektastic:
Did you mean you just found out it was a girl, or that your partner was pregnant for 4 months before you noticed?

I was thinking the same thing when I read it. Personally I think I would prefer the surprise on whether it was m or for, but realiss that people like to plan, make sure they are in the right school zones etc.

Someone told me (and I agree) that it's going to be a surprise whenever you find out.
If you find out from a scan, you can find out together when you're feeling good. If you wait till birth, there is a change that mum isn't in a good state, in which case you may not find out together.

Just because you know what it is, doesn't mean anyone else has to.

Possibly the worst idea I've heard of is a naming party. Basicly a friend gets told what it you're having (you don't know) and all her friends come up with names and tell you at the naming party.
Everything about that just doesn't sit right with me.

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Geektastic

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#1482465 31-Jan-2016 21:51

mattwnz:
Geektastic:

Did you mean you just found out it was a girl, or that your partner was pregnant for 4 months before you noticed?

I was thinking the same thing when I read it. Personally I think I would prefer the surprise on whether it was m or for, but realiss that people like to plan, make sure they are in the right school zones etc. Probably the biggest thing is that you life is now mainly all about the child rather than yourselves. But also don't cut people out if your life, as much of your time will now revolve around children, and it is a subculture.

I spent so long as a teenager ensuring I DIDN'T get anyone pregnant that I suspect I would probably die of a heart attack if I did so now! (Especially as it wouldn't be my wife..!)

Swanny

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#1482661 1-Feb-2016 11:02

Just take it as it comes. We found the first year or so hard, others don't.

A routine helped us. But try not to stress about following the routine too closely.

If you like DIY be prepared for jobs to take much longer, you just won't have as much time for that stuff any more. When they get bigger that stuff does get a bit easier again.

Lizard1977

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#1482663 1-Feb-2016 11:05

My little girl is 17 months old. I feel like I have learnt more in the last 2 years than all the years previous added together. I guess that's the first piece of advice - you're going to learn so much.

The second piece of advice (probably should be the first piece) is that everyone is going to give you advice over the next few years (decades). You'll need to develop a good system for working out what is important advice and what isn't.

Antenatal classes are worth the time and effort. One of the best things I got out of them was a system for assessing the many things you get told during the pregnancy (and afterwards). It's a mnemonic - BRAIN: Benefits - what are the benefits of X? Risk - what are the risks? Alternatives - are there alternatives that we should consider? Intuition - what does your gut tell you? Nothing - what will happen if we do nothing? It's a short but simple way of sifting the good advice from the mountains of BS that many people will try and foist on you.

"Breast is best" is a common refrain, and I wouldn't contradict that advice. However, "Formula is not the devil" is equally valid. My wife had a lot of trouble breastfeeding, but we were fortunate that our lactation consultant was reasonably tolerant. She said that despite all the advantages of breastmilk, if your wife is going to spend all her time worrying and stressing about feeding, she will struggle to enjoy being her baby and bond with her, which is far more important than whether she is breastfed or not. That piece of advice was fantastic, and helped unload a lot of the guilt and pressure that can build up around breastfeeding. With formula you will spend a lot of time sterilising bottles, making up formula, buying powder, etc, but by about 12 months it's down (for us anyway) to 1-2 bottles a day, and from 12 months on we switched to cow's milk. A big problem with the Breast is Best policy is that information about formula is almost non-existent. We dutifully moved through the three different formula stages before we twigged that stage 3 formula is basically just plain milk powder, and we were able to ditch it for plain cow's milk.

The advice about toys is pretty spot on. Last Christmas we (and family) bought lots of presents, but our little girl was absolutely delighted with the first present she unwrapped (a simple rattle) that she wasn't interested in unwrapping any other presents. For the first couple of years, any presents/toys she gets are more for your benefit than hers. That being said, a good variety of different types (cause/effect toys, sound, motion, etc) are useful for teaching different skills, distraction etc. However, homemade toys can be brilliant and cheap, and won't matter if they get ruined/destroyed.

There are going to be some hard times ahead, and sometimes it will feel like they will last forever. "This Too Will Pass" is a mantra that I have used so many times over the last couple of years, and its important to remember especially when they are sick and crying at 2am in the morning. So many people told me to cherish these times as it will fly by so quickly. I actually found the opposite - the days are long, but the weeks (and years) are short. When things are bad the time drags on and it can seem so hopeless. Just remember that "this too will pass" and you will get through it. But don't be afraid to ask for help, and be specific (and deliberate) with those requests. We went through a difficult period of Hand Foot and Mouth in 2015, and thought we were being clear about asking family for help, but they didn't pick up on our hints, and we ended up struggling alone. When we "debriefed" after things returned to normal, we realised we needed to be clearer with family about what help we needed.

I had an epiphany sometime last year. I always figured that stages would be achieved and progressed through sequentially. For instance, when our girl finally slept through the night I figured that we had reached the holy grail, and that finally sleep would return to normal. However, it soon became clear that it often is 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Progress can be consistent, but it's not always linear. It was a revelation to me in the way I approached things because I realised that I had been "waiting for things to get better" thinking that once better they would stay better. But sometimes the progress can be undone, albeit temporarily. I came to the conclusion that rather than wishing for something to be over (e.g. the waking through the nights), it's better to just appreciate whatever you have while you have it (e.g. be thankful when she does sleep through, rather than getting upset when she wakes up yet again).

There's lot more that could be said, but it's enough of an essay already. Final words - buckle up, enjoy the ride: congratulations!

Jaxson

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#1482665 1-Feb-2016 11:08

joker97:

2. If you are a control freak, might as well just die now. You will never be in control of anything. Of when you sleep, wake, eat, go to toilet, leave the house, be at the mall, be at work, gym .... etc

3. Learn to expect the unexpected and laugh at everything. Learn the meaning of the lady is always right. Because when she it tired, you're going to get it. Big time. And she's going to be tired. All. The. Time. Especially when you are more tired. Heard of judge judy? She's in your house. You just don't know it yet.

Embrace the chaos, or die.

BTR

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#1482667 1-Feb-2016 11:11

Good luck, I am sure you will have your hands full! I don't have kids myself however one of my staff had his first child almost 3 years ago and the lack of sleep has affected his work output for the last 2 years.

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Jaxson

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#1482670 1-Feb-2016 11:15

Lizard1977:

My little girl is 17 months old. I feel like I have learnt more in the last 2 years than all the years previous added together. I guess that's the first piece of advice - you're going to learn so much.

The second piece of advice (probably should be the first piece) is that everyone is going to give you advice over the next few years (decades). You'll need to develop a good system for working out what is important advice and what isn't.

Antenatal classes are worth the time and effort. One of the best things I got out of them was a system for assessing the many things you get told during the pregnancy (and afterwards). It's a mnemonic - BRAIN: Benefits - what are the benefits of X? Risk - what are the risks? Alternatives - are there alternatives that we should consider? Intuition - what does your gut tell you? Nothing - what will happen if we do nothing? It's a short but simple way of sifting the good advice from the mountains of BS that many people will try and foist on you.

"Breast is best" is a common refrain, and I wouldn't contradict that advice. However, "Formula is not the devil" is equally valid. My wife had a lot of trouble breastfeeding, but we were fortunate that our lactation consultant was reasonably tolerant. She said that despite all the advantages of breastmilk, if your wife is going to spend all her time worrying and stressing about feeding, she will struggle to enjoy being her baby and bond with her, which is far more important than whether she is breastfed or not. That piece of advice was fantastic, and helped unload a lot of the guilt and pressure that can build up around breastfeeding. With formula you will spend a lot of time sterilising bottles, making up formula, buying powder, etc, but by about 12 months it's down (for us anyway) to 1-2 bottles a day, and from 12 months on we switched to cow's milk. A big problem with the Breast is Best policy is that information about formula is almost non-existent. We dutifully moved through the three different formula stages before we twigged that stage 3 formula is basically just plain milk powder, and we were able to ditch it for plain cow's milk.

The advice about toys is pretty spot on. Last Christmas we (and family) bought lots of presents, but our little girl was absolutely delighted with the first present she unwrapped (a simple rattle) that she wasn't interested in unwrapping any other presents. For the first couple of years, any presents/toys she gets are more for your benefit than hers. That being said, a good variety of different types (cause/effect toys, sound, motion, etc) are useful for teaching different skills, distraction etc. However, homemade toys can be brilliant and cheap, and won't matter if they get ruined/destroyed.

There are going to be some hard times ahead, and sometimes it will feel like they will last forever. "This Too Will Pass" is a mantra that I have used so many times over the last couple of years, and its important to remember especially when they are sick and crying at 2am in the morning. So many people told me to cherish these times as it will fly by so quickly. I actually found the opposite - the days are long, but the weeks (and years) are short. When things are bad the time drags on and it can seem so hopeless. Just remember that "this too will pass" and you will get through it. But don't be afraid to ask for help, and be specific (and deliberate) with those requests. We went through a difficult period of Hand Foot and Mouth in 2015, and thought we were being clear about asking family for help, but they didn't pick up on our hints, and we ended up struggling alone. When we "debriefed" after things returned to normal, we realised we needed to be clearer with family about what help we needed.

I had an epiphany sometime last year. I always figured that stages would be achieved and progressed through sequentially. For instance, when our girl finally slept through the night I figured that we had reached the holy grail, and that finally sleep would return to normal. However, it soon became clear that it often is 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Progress can be consistent, but it's not always linear. It was a revelation to me in the way I approached things because I realised that I had been "waiting for things to get better" thinking that once better they would stay better. But sometimes the progress can be undone, albeit temporarily. I came to the conclusion that rather than wishing for something to be over (e.g. the waking through the nights), it's better to just appreciate whatever you have while you have it (e.g. be thankful when she does sleep through, rather than getting upset when she wakes up yet again).

There's lot more that could be said, but it's enough of an essay already. Final words - buckle up, enjoy the ride: congratulations!

So much good stuff in here, it mimics what I was going to say.

Bullet points:

1) Google is both a friend and a foe. We're way better off in this generation, such that you don't have to accept old wives tales as gospel, but equally it can be full of rubbish.

which brings me point 2) just because something worked for someone else, doesn't mean it's going to work for you. We're all different as adults, so there's no reason why we all need to be the same as children.

-Watch out from advice, you're going to get it whether you want or need it, and everything that is thrown at you can go on the thanks, I've give that some consideration pile. You are the parents, no one else, and what you decides goes,

which brings me to point 3) Back yourself. You don't need to justify your actions and decisions. Be that breast feeding or not, where the child sleeps, what car seat you buy, when you feed your child, vaccinations, religious beliefs, names, etc, you decide.

I wrote a baby manual once, many years ago, as a joke for my mates with a Haynes car cover. It covered a few things I'd kept as notes to myself. Happy to flick it through to the OP if you want a laugh.

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#1482700 1-Feb-2016 11:42

First, congratulations! Second, two pieces of advice from the father of an 18 year old girl...

People will give you lots of advice. Take it all with a grain of salt. If you're having difficulty getting baby to eat/sleep/whatever and someone offers a solution then by all means give it a go, but every child is different and the magic technique that worked wonders for your workmate's wife's sister's baby might not work for yours.
Spend as much time with your daughter as you can - read to her, get down on the floor and play with her at her level, and talk to her. She will get to a certain age where she thinks that several decades on this planet have taught you nothing and you can't possibly know anything about the issues that affect children these days, and she will start relying on her peers for advice. You'll wish you could go back to how it was when she was 5, no matter how much you thought hated it when she was 5...

Fred99

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#1482716 1-Feb-2016 12:02

The average age at which grown rug-rats expect to leave home has increased to something absurd - 27.

http://m.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=11522643

Better do all that early child-rearing perfectly, as you'll be facing the consequences of failure for a decade and a half if you stuff it up. Yup - it's all your fault. Bumper sticker on my (late) father's car said "live long enough to become a problem to your children".

Only tip from me:

Never ever boast about your children to others. God has a black sense of humour on this - he works in mysterious ways.

Lizard1977

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#1482718 1-Feb-2016 12:05

andrew027:
Spend as much time with your daughter as you can - read to her, get down on the floor and play with her at her level, and talk to her.

Second this - lots (and lots) of reading. Even when they are too young to follow the story, it's a great thing for both of you. It helps you to slow down and focus on her, and the sound of your voice is one of the most soothing sounds to her. You'll end up reading a story thousands of times, but even that can be fun. I now know some great stories off by heart ("Don't let the pigeon drive the bus" by Mo Willems, the entire Hairy Maclary series just for starters). You don't even need to buy books, your local library will have a great collection of children's books. We also have a rule in our house that toys as presents are restricted to birthday and Christmas, but books don't count as toys/presents and are welcome gifts at any time.

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