What does a pirate do on the computer?

Press the Enter key.

What time is it when an elephant sits on the car?

Time for a new car.

Optimist: "The glass is half full".

Pessimist: "The glass is half empty."

Mum: "Why is there no coaster?"

I used to have a hard time deciding, but now I'm not so sure.

BarTender: Was in the BP at 11pm on a Saturday night after and a cop was getting a pie from the pie warmer. I told him he needed to remember to blow on the pie.

He laughed.

I thought I was hilarious.

Yes I was sober as I was picking up my daughter, and he didn’t breathalyse me.

Do you think he understood the joke - or was he just being polite?

I watched the network news the other night and amongst other things, they covered the Auckland floods.

Later on , they announced the sports had been brought to us by BP.

After a moment, I realised BP was also bringing us the weather.

A YT Joke.....stay to the end!

My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination. ;-)

Two Ukrainian fishes in a tank. One turns to the other and says: „Do you know how to drive this?“

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? – One. We are very efficient and this is not a joke.

My personal favorite: (because I’m a hunter)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, „My friend is dead! What can I do?“. The operator says „Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.“ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says „OK, now what?“

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: „That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!“

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: „The driver just insulted me!“

The man says: „You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.“

Tinkerisk:

 

My personal favorite: (because I’m a hunter)

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, „My friend is dead! What can I do?“. The operator says „Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.“ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says „OK, now what?“

 

Yeah I love this one as well