Silly joke thread

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#3056827 30-Mar-2023 21:25

Tinkerisk: The internationally best-known German word is "Autobahn". ...

I thought it was "Nein".

English waitress: Would you like sugar with your tea?

German tourist: Nein, danke.

English waitress: 1 .. 2 .. 3 .. 4 .. 5 .. 6 .. 7 .. 8 .. 9

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johno1234

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#3056923 31-Mar-2023 08:25

I am beyond saddened that they renamed this town to "Fugging" in 2021:

https://www.google.com/maps/place/5121+Fugging,+Austria/@48.0673376,12.8611696,18z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m6!3m5!1s0x4775d4854dbcba19:0x802456ee60b72a17!8m2!3d48.0673299!4d12.8633177!16zL20vMDE2cHE2

I have been to this alpine town in France though. The French know a good name when they see it, unlike the soulless Krauts:

https://www.google.com/maps/place/Pussy,+73260+La+L%C3%A9ch%C3%A8re,+France/@45.5515789,6.454918,15z/data=!4m6!3m5!1s0x478bd092eb3fa371:0xa08ab2d832b9460!8m2!3d45.5515789!4d6.454918!16zL20vMDFfMWQz

eracode

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#3056949 31-Mar-2023 09:07

At least it’s more succinct than Sc*nthorpe, UK. Not to mention Penistone, near Sheffield.

(BTW I doubt that Austrians would take too kindly to being referred to as Krauts).

I just found this

And this!

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

Tinkerisk

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#3057362 1-Apr-2023 06:00

eracode:

(BTW I doubt that Austrians would take too kindly to being referred to as Krauts).

That's right. It's only the old-timers who say "Krauts" to the Germans. By the way, the ONE came from Braunau am Inn in Austria.

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#3057380 1-Apr-2023 10:03

Our safe word is 'flower' so I am very puzzled why she repeatedly exclaims 'flour'.

floydbloke

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#3057747 1-Apr-2023 20:59

Shamelessly stolen off Facebook.

Auto-correct is why I have crust issues.

eracode

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#3057840 2-Apr-2023 15:12

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

eracode

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#3061317 11-Apr-2023 08:27

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

freitasm

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#3066104 20-Apr-2023 16:09

There once was a kid named John who was absolutely obsessed with tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, and tractors scrawled onto his school books. Kids at school would tease him and call him John Deere, but he leant into the nickname.

After graduating from College, he decided to work on a farm, and start to live his first true love. Day in and out he would slog his gut out on the Farm, using his trusty Tractor in almost everything he did. Plowing fields, spraying for pests, irrigating his paddocks and carting fencing materials all done with his trusty sidekick. During his time on the farm he met a girl, and soon fell in love. She thought he was a bit quirky, but loved his passion for his trusty old Tractors. Jane was the only thing that even came close to his love for tractors. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer. I'll leave the rest up to you...

One day while out in the paddock pulling up crops, Jane fell off the back of a transport truck and was run over by John in his Tractor. John was devastated. He spent all day and night by her side in the Hospital until she took a turn for the worst, and quietly whispered in his ear "Don't blame the tractor honey". With those final words, she quietly slipped away and headed up to the big farm in the sky.

Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor-related items, the toys, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of treasured childhood tractor toys. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the backyard. Whatever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a wood chipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for eight years.

Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wife's death, he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he chose ended up being quite nice, with good food, good service, and great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing. John ventured into the kitchen and spotted a small fire burning some leftovers. Leaping into action, with the restaurant patrons looking onward, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "How on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

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#3066129 20-Apr-2023 16:55

freitasm:

There once was a kid named John who was absolutely obsessed with tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, and tractors scrawled onto his school books. Kids at school would tease him and call him John Deere, but he leant into the nickname.

After graduating from College, he decided to work on a farm, and start to live his first true love. Day in and out he would slog his gut out on the Farm, using his trusty Tractor in almost everything he did. Plowing fields, spraying for pests, irrigating his paddocks and carting fencing materials all done with his trusty sidekick. During his time on the farm he met a girl, and soon fell in love. She thought he was a bit quirky, but loved his passion for his trusty old Tractors. Jane was the only thing that even came close to his love for tractors. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer. I'll leave the rest up to you...

One day while out in the paddock pulling up crops, Jane fell off the back of a transport truck and was run over by John in his Tractor. John was devastated. He spent all day and night by her side in the Hospital until she took a turn for the worst, and quietly whispered in his ear "Don't blame the tractor honey". With those final words, she quietly slipped away and headed up to the big farm in the sky.

Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor-related items, the toys, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of treasured childhood tractor toys. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the backyard. Whatever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a wood chipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for eight years.

Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wife's death, he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he chose ended up being quite nice, with good food, good service, and great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing. John ventured into the kitchen and spotted a small fire burning some leftovers. Leaping into action, with the restaurant patrons looking onward, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "How on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

I hate you just a tiny bit right now. That was the most amount of reading for the smallest smile I've ever had. :)

eracode

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#3066161 20-Apr-2023 17:58

A young man called Chris from Auckland wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Christchurch. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Smith & Caughey and they selected a dainty pair of fur-lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. S&C had a free gift wrap service but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

networkn

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#3066166 20-Apr-2023 18:13

eracode:

A young man called Chris from Auckland wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Christchurch. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Smith & Caughey and they selected a dainty pair of fur-lined quality leather gloves.

--Snip--

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

NGL when I saw that wall of text on my phone, I had grave concerns you were trying to deliver an even smaller smile to my face than that of the prior delivery. I however, laughed quite hard and so did my wife.

Thank you. I needed that!

Tinkerisk

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#3067397 23-Apr-2023 16:49

Descartes' famous sentence: "Cogito ergo sum!" - „I think, therefore I am“ (wrong here). 😉

Tinkerisk

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#3067399 23-Apr-2023 17:00

„In response to your request for additional information, I would like to inform you of the following:

In question 3 of the accident report, I stated "unplanned action" as the cause of my accident. You asked me to describe this in more detail, which I would like to do herewith:

- On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of my flat in a six-storey building. When I finished my work, I had about 250kg of tiles left. Since I didn't want to carry them all down the stairs, I decided to lower them into a barrel on the outside of the building, which was attached to a rope that ran over a pulley. So I tied the rope to the ground at the bottom, went up to the roof and loaded the barrel. Then I went back down and untied the rope. I held it tight to slowly lower the 250kg tiles.

- If you read question 11 of the accident report form, you will find that my body weight at the time was about 75kg. As I was very surprised when I suddenly lost my footing and was pulled upwards, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I don't think I need to say here that I was being pulled up the building at an ever increasing speed.

- At about the third floor level I hit the barrel coming from above. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my ascent and did not stop until the fingers of my hand were crushed into the pulley with the front phalanges. Fortunately, I kept my presence of mind and held on to the rope with all my strength despite the pain. However, at about the same time, the bottom of the barrel hit the ground and the bottom popped out. Without the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed about 25kg. I refer again at this point to my body weight of 75kg given in question 11.

- As you can imagine, I now began a rapid descent. At the height of the third floor, I again met the barrel coming from below. This resulted in the two broken ankles and the abrasions on my legs and abdomen. The collision with the barrel delayed my fall so that my injuries on impact with the pile of bricks were minor and so I only broke three vertebrae.

- However, I regret to inform you that as I lay there on the pile of bricks and saw the empty barrel six storeys above me, I once again lost my presence of mind! I let go of the rope, causing the barrel to come hurtling down, this time without braking, knocking out three of my teeth and breaking my nose bone.

I remain with kind regards“

MadEngineer

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#3089141 12-Jun-2023 18:05

I like telling Dad jokes.

But sometimes he doesn't laugh.

You're not on Atlantis anymore, Duncan Idaho.

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