Jimmy Kimmel Monologue

Donald Janice Trump [Jane is from "Friends" TV show] made his first outing after his guilty verdict. Trump spent most of the weekend at his Golf Club in New Jersey then went to UFC fight before finally heading back home to Florida. It's good to see him out crossing state lines while he still can. Trump stayed at the fight until 1:58 a.m. You know what, if I'd just been found guilty of covering up a hush money payment to a porn star I wouldn't be in a rush to get home to my wife either. I really can't blame him so in between tee offs and and choke holds, Trump sat for a chat with the gang at Fox and friends who provided six very warm friendly shoulders for him to cry on.

Trump: "I have a wonderful wife who has to listen to this stuff all the time. They do that for this reason. They do that all these salacious names that they put in. They put this stuff in to create havoc. These are bad people. I know everything they do and I know every move they make. I get it. It's tougher I think it's probably in many ways it's tougher in my family than is in me."

Fox talking head: "How's Melania doing? "

Trump: "She's doing fine, but I think it's very hard for her I mean she's fine but it's you know she has to to read all this crap"

Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure the only thing she reads is her prenup over and over again. I do find it very rich that he's mad at other people: "how dare you explain what I did to my wife, to my wife?"

Trump also weighed in on which classified files he would declassify were he to become president again. They all forget the fact that he had four years to do this the first time around and forget the fact that he brought half the files back to his house. What I found interesting he's very quick to answer the first two questions but number three not quite as fast.

Fox talking head: "If you were president would you declassify declassify the 9/11 [New York terrorist] files? "

Trump instantly: "yeah."

Fox talking head: "Would you declassify JFK [assasination] files? "

Trump quickly: "yeah. I did a lot of it"

Fox talking head: "Would you declassify the [sex offender Jeffery] Epstein files"

Trump pauses and hestitate: "Yeah, yeah. "

I mean, not all of them. I mean not if I am mentioned then no I won't."

The interview with the Fox and Friends Weekend's "B" team was heavily edited. There were a lot of abrupt sloppy cuts but they still managed to capture the essence of the former president and his very upbeat outlook when it comes to climate change.

Trump instantly: "When they say that the seas will rise over the next 400 years 1/8 of an inch, ow which means basically you have a little more beach front property. "

Okay, yeah no. that's totally wrong. That's it means means you have less beachfront property. Like think about when you're in the tub and with your gelatinous belly bobbing up out of the water and then the water starts getting cold and you scream at your butler "get add some more hot!" Then he brings more hot water in does your belly Island get bigger or does it get smaller. Smaller is the answer. You will have less beachfront property. I've never seen anyone who pretends to know more actually no less about every subject than this manatee.

He is also now planting seeds for another January 6th by encouraging his army of dummies to rise up and fight, the police I guess, in the event the judge decides to lock him up.

Trump: "I don't know that the public would stand it, you know. I don't. I'm not sure the public would stand for it. "

Fox talking head: "with a uh house arrest? "

Trump: "I think I think it would be tough for the public to take. You know at a certain point there's a breaking point"

That's just great well I have a bunch of idiots in Viking helmet swimming to [New York prison] Riker's Island together.

Listen, Trump's hardcore fans maybe be a lot of things. Bright is not one of them.

New reporter: "An RV covered in Donald Trump campaign posters was total when it crashed into a utility poll on [New York's] Staten Island on Sunday afternoon"

How many times do I have to tell you: "No posters on the windshield."

All the many swings Trump took at the barrage of softballs tossed gently in the Fox News batting cage this was probably the biggest whiff of all.

Fox talking head: "you famously said regarding Hillary Clinton "lock her up". You declined to do that as president." [ignoring the fact that Judges sentence people, not Presidents]

Trump: " I beat her. It's easier when you win. They all said lock ... I felt and ... I could have done it. But I felt it would have been a terrible thing. And then this happened to me and so I may feel differently about it. I can't tell you I can. I'm not sure I can answer the question. Hillary Clinton: I didn't say "lock her up" But the people would all say "lock her up, lock her up"

okay? Really. Really. So interesting, because I remember you doing you most certainly doing that

Trump: "Hillary Clinton oh she's crooked folks she's crooked is a $3 bill. another clip You should lock her up I'll tell you lock her up is right. another clip But what she's done they should lock her up. another clip and her lawyers should go to jail with her. another clip She has to go to jail. another clip Lock up the Obamas. lock up Hillary another clip She shouldn't even be allowed to run for the office of President. another clip Hillary Clinton has to go to jail, okay? She has to go to jail.

Cut to Clinton / Trump presidential debate.

Hillary Clinton: "It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in our country

Trump: "yeah because you'd be in jail

Never said it and not one of the Three Stooges interviewing him pushed back on that, at all.