The Joke Thread

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#96610 23-Nov-2007 18:28

XD Wish I'd thought of that...

freitasm

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#96614 23-Nov-2007 18:46

I thought this would be for real jokes, not some lame OS War posting. But here we go then:

Mac OS X 10.5 Blue Screen of Death...

confuciousnz

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#96631 23-Nov-2007 20:48

Mmm, that's some pwnage right there, didn't even need any sort of imagery. What I don't get is what you meant by "OS War". My understanding is that you're both for anything other than Vista...am I missing the joke, is this some old meme thing?

tonyhughes

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#96633 23-Nov-2007 20:57

The very first post in this thread includes this:

Take your discussions elsewhere - its a joke thread, not a soapbox thread!!

I will simply start deleting posts that arent real jokes, so dont waste your effort.

brucie44

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#96658 23-Nov-2007 23:29

DR Seuss explains computors.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu followed by a dash, and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash then your situations hopeless and your systems gonna crash. If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall and your screen is distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot it and let it go out with a bang. Cause as sure as im a poet the suckers gonna hang, when the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk and the micro code instructions cause unneccesary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your ROM, so quickly turn off your computer and run go tell your mum.

TinyTim

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#97505 29-Nov-2007 11:46

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!

paulchinnz

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#97679 30-Nov-2007 17:25

British 'Joke of the year' some lightyears ago:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."

By the way Tony, I see my post that was a comment about the OS wars has disappeared understandably given it wasn't a joke ... would you consider removing Reply # 96633 as well?

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tonyhughes

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#97686 30-Nov-2007 17:41

paulchinnz: By the way Tony, I see my post that was a comment about the OS wars has disappeared understandably given it wasn't a joke ... would you consider removing Reply # 96633 as well?

Remove my post? Oh now thats a good joke LOL. But seriously, no, theres nothing wrong with it, and I want people to know I will delete posts from here on in that are not jokes.

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all!”

And one more to atone for the non-joke portion of my post:

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn''t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn''t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

STI

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#97710 30-Nov-2007 19:29

Creative advertising by Apple on CNET

freitasm

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#99194 10-Dec-2007 09:35

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

muppet

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#99202 10-Dec-2007 10:18

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

9 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

10. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

11. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

12. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

15. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

16. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

17. Glibido: All talk and no action..

18. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

19. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

20. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

21. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding a half a worm in the fruit you're eating

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#99738 13-Dec-2007 10:26

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are (as you do). The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a government Worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good (whatever a 'quart' and an 'ounce' are).

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

paulchinnz

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#100565 17-Dec-2007 23:41

Sorry too noob to embed youtube videos, but always liked this.

pwaddles

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#100829 19-Dec-2007 12:05

whats the best thing about being a P addict?

only 2 sleeps till christmas!

freitasm

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#103981 10-Jan-2008 12:00

School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Johnny becomes gay.

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