Silly joke thread

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#2662771 25-Feb-2021 20:02

It is so lucky that I got my new glasses yesterday evening.

This morning as I drove to work, there were twice as many cars on the road as in the last few months.

Behodar

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#2662772 25-Feb-2021 20:09

What do you call a patronising criminal going down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Rikkitic

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#2697163 23-Apr-2021 12:58

Jill and Jack were in the sack

doing what kids do

oops, said Jill, here comes my dad

oops said Jack, that's my dad too.

Plesse igmore amd axxept applogies in adbance fir anu typos

jpoc

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#2703099 6-May-2021 21:22

Every time I hear somebody say that they want to go after the low hanging fruit, I feel the need to adjust my underpants.

jpoc

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#2703100 6-May-2021 21:25

So, last weekend, I went to the s*x shop.

I bought one of those big rubber dild*s. With a big suction cup on the end.

I stuck it to my bathroom mirror at about shoulder height and it is perfect.

When I do my laundry, I want to fold my socks up in pairs and put them in the sock drawer but when they are dry, they are usually all scrunched up and hard to fold.

Now, I just slide them onto the d*ldo and then ease them off and they are all stretched and smooth and easy to fold up.

You know why it works so well?

It is the right _tool_ for the job.

eracode

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#2712958 25-May-2021 18:33

Just saw a story on TV about dogs being used to detect COVID19 by its odour. Woman said a dog can “,,, detect the smell of a teaspoon of sugar in an Olympic swimming pool - that’s phenomenal”.

I think she meant pheromonal.

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

dafman

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#2712963 25-May-2021 18:50

I recently took the shell of my racing snail to see if it would make him any faster.

Didn’t work. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

eracode

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#2739691 6-Jul-2021 13:31

A married couple were getting undressed on their wedding night to sleep together for their first time.

When the groom took his trousers off, the bride was shocked to see that his knees were all warty and gnarly with carbuncles. He saw her revulsion and waved it away saying “Nah, it’s nothing - I had kneasles when I was a kid”.

When he took his socks off, she was more disgusted to see his toes were covered with lumpy growths and boils. Once again he dismissed it with “Yeah, it’s OK - I had tolio when I was little”.

When he took his underpants off she took one horrified look and said “Wait - don’t tell me. When you were a child you had smallcox?”

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

jpoc

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#2787900 1-Oct-2021 21:15

True story:

I went into a shop and bought something that had a hidden security tag.

The cashier forgot to disable the tag.

It was not important to the store because they did not scan for tags at the door.

I then walked into another store with the item out of sight in my pocket.

Entering the store I set off the alarms, lights and sirens and here comes the security man.

I had the perfect response.

"Sorry bro, I just had my covid shot and this is happening to me everywhere I go."

He had no answer to that.

eracode

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#2787939 2-Oct-2021 01:54

I’m starting a pressure group to promote the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s called Raisin Awareness.

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

tdgeek

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#2787951 2-Oct-2021 07:25

Burglars stole the wheels off a Police car. The Police are working tirelessly to locate the offenders.

eracode

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#2787984 2-Oct-2021 10:19

An oldie from The Two Ronnies: Last night thieves broke into the Hackney police station and stole the toilet. The cops say they have nothing to go on.

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.