The Joke Thread

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#105545 18-Jan-2008 15:46

Great Olan Mills photos

chakkaradeep

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#105547 18-Jan-2008 15:48

Regards,
Chaks

Desktop : Intel Quad Core Q9400 2.66GHz - 8GB RAM - 500 GB + 500 GB HDD - NVidia GeForce 9800GT - LG246WH Flatron Display - Windows Server 2008 R2 Enterprise with Hyper-V
Virtual Machine : Powered by Hyper-V and VMWare Workstation
Laptop: HP dv7-3004TX Entertainment Notebook PC | HP Touchsmart tx2 1119au - Windows 7 Ultimate x64
Mac: iMac 21.5" Snow Leopard
Mobile : iPhone 3GS

Wob

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#106111 22-Jan-2008 14:06

Sent to me by a colleague:

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot
and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other
side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements
like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and
very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm
of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the
duck."

Now based in Perth WA.

Fossie

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#106151 22-Jan-2008 17:17

Knock Knock
Who's there?
I kill you.

Classic

tonyhughes

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#107102 28-Jan-2008 09:01

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Trelee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

chakkaradeep

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#107804 31-Jan-2008 16:33

Shash

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#108725 5-Feb-2008 16:24

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this-
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ‘.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
’I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.’

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BEHIND THAN YOURS!

Equinox IT

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freitasm

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#112049 21-Feb-2008 11:39

BarTender

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#112072 21-Feb-2008 13:08

For those who get Sky / TCL Digital UKTV, I recorded "Look Around You" 11PM Friday on UKTV. Which was the funniest faux retro 70's/80's look at "how life would be in the future. Bad 70's/80's hair to boot and dodgy looking computer geeks.

Very very very funny for geeks out there.

http://www.telstraclear.co.nz/residential/inhome/digital-tv/tvg-program-info.cfm?cc=UKTV&ds=2008-02-22&st=23:00&en=Look%20Around%20You%20

Followed straight afterwards by Monkey Dust which is also quality!

sam50000BC

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#112209 22-Feb-2008 00:19

Old Uni Joke:

Physics Students ask: How?
Chemistry Students ask: Why?
Arts students ask: would you like fries with that?

freitasm

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#132268 21-May-2008 09:58

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her.

xpd

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#132309 21-May-2008 12:59

Dont you love it when youre single and at a wedding and all the old biddie's (no offence ;) ) come up to you and say "Your turn next".
Then a short time later you run into those same biddie's at a funeral and you get to say "Your turn next"

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon / Geek of Coastguard New Zealand

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xpd

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#132312 21-May-2008 13:03

Kids are Quick

TEACHER:          Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA:                    Here it is.

TEACHER:          Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:              Maria.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:          John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:               You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:          Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:             K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:          No, that's wrong

GLENN:             Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:          Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:           H I J K L M N O

TEACHER:          What are you talking about?

DONALD:           Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:          Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:            Me

__________________________________________

TEACHER:          Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:               Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:          Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE:             I is...

TEACHER:          No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:             All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

__________________________________________

TEACHER:          George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
                       Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:              Because George still had the ax in his hand.

__________________________________________


TEACHER:          Now, Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:             No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

__________________________________________


TEACHER:          Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?

CLYDE :             No, it's the same dog.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:          Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:           A teacher

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon / Geek of Coastguard New Zealand

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alvstar2001

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#132328 21-May-2008 14:03

Random :) but...

Q. what's the similarity between a blonde and a dog's turd?

----------------------------

A. The older they get, the easier the are to pick up? :S

:P

alvstar2001

TinyTim

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#132332 21-May-2008 14:36

Man bursts in through the front door and shouts to his wife: "Pack your bags, I've won lotto!"

"Fantastic, where are we going?"

"Who said anything about *we*?"

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