Child free by choice or otherwise

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Networkn
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#1986749 1-Apr-2018 12:28

What has been excellent about this thread is the lack of judgement. Long may it last. Everyone is talking about what is right for them.

gehenna

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#1986763 1-Apr-2018 12:37

@networkn wish that was the case offline. The number of friends/family with kids who constantly make "you'll be next" comments or judge us because they think we're somehow unfulfilled is annoyingly large. My wife's just taken to saying "My insides are all wrong" anytime someone brings it up now lol

networkn

Networkn
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#1986764 1-Apr-2018 12:50

gehenna:

@networkn wish that was the case offline. The number of friends/family with kids who constantly make "you'll be next" comments or judge us because they think we're somehow unfulfilled is annoyingly large. My wife's just taken to saying "My insides are all wrong" anytime someone brings it up now lol

Yeah, I think as humans we have largely conditioned that our primary purpose is reproduction, some people have a hard time understanding others choices. I am working hard on tolerance in all parts of my life, some things I find harder than others. Other peoples choices not to have kids is not an area I struggle with, however, I sometimes feel compelled to comment, if someone talks about how horrible kids are.

I always wanted kids, but once I got into my career I got less interested. My wife was all about the kids, and we had them, and they are the best thing I ever did, but I completely understand why others might not choose to do it.

My heart breaks for those who want kids and can't have them.

Geese

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#1986767 1-Apr-2018 12:57

Abridged version is I always wanted kids, but after leaving school 6 years was "wasted" at uni, single while concentrating on my studies...

Then 6 more years down in a long term relationship where we both wanted kids, however I wanted to be married first, and she didn't believe in marriage, so 6 years of both of us waiting for the other to change standpoint, until the impasse caused us to split so she could find someone else...

Then 6 more years in 2 relationships with infertile women...

Now I feel I'm too old, not biologically, but I just don't feel it's fair on my potential kid to miss out on ever knowing his family, at least on my side.

Like others have mentioned and i think I'll start a thread on it later, my marriage and engagement before that in my view were ruined by the relationship properties act, and I'd love a partner but am to scared of the risk.

Geektastic

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#1986830 1-Apr-2018 15:56

One of my brothers had his first (and to date only) child when he was 44 or thereabouts.

One of my other brothers had two in his early 20's and he found it hilarious that one of us was starting so old. The idea of being 60 ish with an 18 year old doesn't strike me as fun. YMMV of course!

DarthKermit

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#1986842 1-Apr-2018 16:18

That randy old goat Mick Jagger recently sired a kid and he's in his 70s!

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sdav

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#1986843 1-Apr-2018 16:18

billgates: We lost our first baby few months ago to stillborn birth at full 9 months. Everyday feels like that it was a cruel joke.

I'm sorry man. That is a terrible thing to go through.

pctek

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#1986929 1-Apr-2018 18:34

tdgeek: just happened. Not sure how...

Um, really? I thought most people know how by age 13 if not earlier. GD knows how and she is 10. Not the nitty gritty but the overall concept.

People, or should I say women? Seem to think it's a must and very clever to do. Judging by the ridiculous comments that get said when it happens. As if any rabbit can't do better....

100 years ago you might have an excuse, but these days? There's contraception.

I had one "by accident". Mainly cause husband being married before was told he couldn't so we didn't try prevention.

After I did and that was it.

Quite easy really, took no effort at all.

Loads of people kept saying when is the next like it's a customary thing and oh but he'll be <assorted problem> if you don't.

Well no, we found it worked quite well, he had plenty of playmates and when any fights broke out he moved on to the next, they didn't share the house with him.

Hi mates siblings however, demonstrated plenty of reasons why it was a lot more pleasant for him. Nothing drastic happened, he grew up, got work, geot the GF, avoided breeding for quite some time until she did the now or never thing and now there is a grandchild. Just one.

I had friends who remained childless, they liked to travel, go out a lot, have plenty of money and long sleep ins on the weekends. They did have pets.

Other friends had no pets or kids. Ditto. They are both the well off couples then and still now.

With the current population I see no need for so much breeding. People might appreciate kids more if there were a shortage, and less abuse might occur. (Or not, we're not the best species).

networkn

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#1986931 1-Apr-2018 18:40

Like others have mentioned and i think I'll start a thread on it later, my marriage and engagement before that in my view were ruined by the relationship properties act, and I'd love a partner but am to scared of the risk.

I'd caution you on making a thread unless you are prepared to hear the good bad and ugly of others opinions of a situation you are unlikely to be able to communicate fully and effectively via this forum.

I don't mean that to sound disrespectful, but often I see these sort of posts with the OP hoping they will get sympathy, and advice which confirms their own bias and often that doesn't happen. Posters can come away disillusioned about "their community".

You are obviously an adult, so do what feels right, but I'm saying prepare yourself as you could end up with unexpected results.

tdgeek

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#1986933 1-Apr-2018 18:44

pctek:

tdgeek: just happened. Not sure how...

Um, really? I thought most people know how by age 13 if not earlier. GD knows how and she is 10. Not the nitty gritty but the overall concept.

I wasn't serious, just light hearted

tdgeek

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#1986934 1-Apr-2018 18:46

Geese: Abridged version is I always wanted kids, but after leaving school 6 years was "wasted" at uni, single while concentrating on my studies...

Then 6 more years down in a long term relationship where we both wanted kids, however I wanted to be married first, and she didn't believe in marriage, so 6 years of both of us waiting for the other to change standpoint, until the impasse caused us to split so she could find someone else...

Then 6 more years in 2 relationships with infertile women...

Now I feel I'm too old, not biologically, but I just don't feel it's fair on my potential kid to miss out on ever knowing his family, at least on my side.

Like others have mentioned and i think I'll start a thread on it later, my marriage and engagement before that in my view were ruined by the relationship properties act, and I'd love a partner but am to scared of the risk.

There were a couple of comments earlier about contracting out to avoid that.

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Tinkerisk

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#1986939 1-Apr-2018 19:02

How can one talk (or start a thread) about something he never can/likes to/wants to/will experience? I respect this decision or fate, but - all said.

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Geektastic

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#1986976 1-Apr-2018 22:02

DarthKermit:

That randy old goat Mick Jagger recently sired a kid and he's in his 70s!

True. However he can cheerfully pay all manner of people to parent the child for him...!

Senecio

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#1987216 2-Apr-2018 16:16

I'm 43, my wife is 45 and we've been married for 16 years. We both knew early on that kids would never be in our future. There's never been a regret, or a what if, or a maybe we should have. We don't know anyone else our age that don't have kids.

We used to get a bit of pressure from both sets of parents after getting married but that eventually abated. It never gets discussed amongst our friends.

Lias

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#1987223 2-Apr-2018 16:57

billgates: We lost our first baby few months ago to stillborn birth at full 9 months. Everyday feels like that it was a cruel joke.

It happens more than I think most of us realise. We lost two in the early stages, and one in the later stages of pregnancy on the way, and a good friend of mine also lost his firstborn at full term, so I understand some of what that must feel like. I'm guessing the hospital probably put you in touch with them, but I highly recommend making contact with SANDS.

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