The Joke Thread

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#212071 4-May-2009 12:17

KFC witness protection program

NZWizzkid

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#212733 6-May-2009 00:56

If a Jewish person catches swine flu, are they still kosher?

freitasm

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#228639 26-Jun-2009 18:00

When Farrah Fawcett got to heaven God said to her

“Farrah, because you have been such a good person throughout your life I will give you one wish”

Farrah thought about this and replied

“God, I only want one thing and that is for the children of the world to be safe”

God agreed to Farrah’s wish and killed Michael Jackson

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vexxxboy

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#228733 27-Jun-2009 09:34

theres a rumour Michael Jackson died of food poisoning , he got hold of some 12 year old weiners

Common sense is not as common as you think.

Adamal

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#229051 28-Jun-2009 22:31

A man walks into a bar and says.....

"Ouch"

freitasm

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#229675 30-Jun-2009 18:40

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Where you left it...

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#229676 30-Jun-2009 18:41

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9...

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NonprayingMantis

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#229690 30-Jun-2009 19:21

What's the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?

One did Majors, the other Minors

tardtasticx

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#233852 10-Jul-2009 19:52

maninimepo:

ahahah, nice one. wasnt exepecting it. +1

JMatt94

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#237306 20-Jul-2009 22:38

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

They go into the barn and look everywhere.

One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

JMatt94

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#237308 20-Jul-2009 22:42

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you.

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Tizza5

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#237849 22-Jul-2009 13:27

Keep your hand off it son, youll go blind!........."Im over here dad"

safboy

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#240608 30-Jul-2009 14:59

The 'European Union' commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt english as the preferred language for european communications, rather than german, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that english spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as 'Euroenglish' (euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking german like zey vunted in ze forst place....

Jonski

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#240650 30-Jul-2009 17:03

f(x) = ax^2 + bx + c walks into a bar.

The barman says: Sorry, we don't cater for functions.

*rimshot*

Edit: Bl**dy html won't take superscript markups...

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
- Adam Savage, Mythbuster

Adamal

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#247729 17-Aug-2009 15:34

Not so much a joke, but rather a discussion of comedy.

I'm a fan of Ricky Gervais' standup acts. Animals, Politics and Fame. I noticed that hes got another comedy tour coming called 'Science', which means that a new DVD will be soon to follow!
So I was speaking with a mate online the other night and told him about it, as he is also a Gervais fan. I told him that Ricky was probably my favourite stand up comedian of all time. Just his sense of humour and the hand and body actions he uses are just brilliant.
He then said to me that I obviously hadn't seen some of the 'greats'. One of which, was George Carlin.
Now I know who George is.. Or was... But had never really seen his stand up acts, so decided to give it a go.
I now think that the term 'comedian' is not such a narrow description of an entertainer as it should be.
You don't have to pay to sit in a retirement village to listen to old men complain about stuff that doesn't really matter! The only thing I can see is that most men that age usually have clean mouths, so you'd pretty much pay to go see Carlin swear until he was blue in the face!

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