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Ultimate Geek
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#325266 30-Apr-2010 13:58

What do you do when you see a space man...?

....Park in it!

cgrew

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#325267 30-Apr-2010 14:00

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado
trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Older men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

kiwitrc

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#325314 30-Apr-2010 15:32

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'......?.?

cgrew

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Ultimate Geek
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#325324 30-Apr-2010 15:43

Haha classic!

xpd

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#325379 30-Apr-2010 17:42

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Gavin / xpd / FastRaccoon / Geek of Coastguard New Zealand

LinkTree

cgrew

860 posts

Ultimate Geek
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#330800 17-May-2010 08:48

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray -up, Bitch'

cgrew

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Ultimate Geek
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#337404 2-Jun-2010 15:15

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common??

You hear about them all the time but you never actually see one..

Equinox IT

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Dannii

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Wannabe Geek

#343390 20-Jun-2010 09:04

LOL some great jokes here....not read them all but I am sure I'll be back to!
Here's a little small joke for those who are not a fan of reading...

Why did the baker have brown hands?
because he needed/kneaded a crap!

Handsomedan

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#347308 2-Jul-2010 14:58

Four blokes - all football fans - on a plane, which rather sadly goes down in an horrific crash in the mountains.

One of them dies. After a day or so, they realise that rescue is not immediately forthcoming, they decide that they will need to feed on the carcass of the dead passenger.

To make it a fair portion for each of them they decide (as they are all football fans) to divide the "meal" up based on their football allegiance.

Jim: Well, I am a Hartlepool fan, so I guess I'll eat his heart.

The others willfully agree to this.

Tony: I'm a Liverpool fan, so I'll eat his liver.

John sits there a little quietly for a time and then says: I'm an Arsenal fan, but to be honest, I'm not hungry.

Handsome Dan Has Spoken.
Handsome Dan needs to stop adding three dots to every sentence...

Handsome Dan does not currently have a side hustle as the mascot for Yale

*Gladly accepting donations...

vexxxboy

4244 posts

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#347347 2-Jul-2010 16:31

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a Labrador.
Wake up says Mick, are you mad!!!!
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

Common sense is not as common as you think.

marmel

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#353528 19-Jul-2010 17:54

Service

I became confused when I heard the word 'Service' used with these agencies:

? Banking 'Service'
? Postal 'Service'
? Telephone 'Service'
? Cable/TV 'Service'
? Civil 'Service'
? City, State & Public 'Service'
? Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today,

I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.

BAM!!!

It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

eracode

Smpl Mnmlst
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#353545 19-Jul-2010 18:49

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

MikeSkyrme

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#353554 19-Jul-2010 19:13

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied. "what do you think?"
The husband carried on walking and said; "Needs ironing, what's for dinner?"

MikeSkyrme

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#353555 19-Jul-2010 19:15

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.

2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.

3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.

4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. Make sure that these four women do not know each other.

MikeSkyrme

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#353558 19-Jul-2010 19:16

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest.

He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest. "Well," said the frog, "the

reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church.

I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the

wicked witch of the forest.

'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of

reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good night's sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed.

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"And that my Lord is the case for the Defence....... "

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