frankv:

 

I thought that had folded?

 

GET. OUT.

In parish schools, students are taught that lying is a sin.

However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight back home to Ireland asked the priest Beside her:
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The Customs officer asked:
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The officer thought this answer strange, so asked:
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the officer said:
'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

decibel:
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

 

I have a beautiful nun joke (no, not the one about the cobblestones) but I don't think I should post it here as it *may* offend a devout Catholic.

I'd like to hear it, feel free to PM me :)

Perhaps we could have an R18 anything goes thread :) I guess the problem would be peoples thresholds for jokes of that manner :)

I don't mind off-colour jokes that are clever but I don't actually like jokes that are just smutty.

frankv:

 

tdgeek:

 

I see with the lack of live sport being televised in the world - that the Origami World Champs are on this weekend - on Paperview 

 

 

I thought that had folded?

 

Nah - under COVID it's one of the few things that didn't allow being cut. But still a potential rip-off.

The authorities did try to close it down but the Japanese mispronounced 'cease' and 'end' as 'crease' and 'bend'.

One I remember from that TV show Are you being served?

Mrs Slocombe was going on a bus trip and the bus broke down.

She asks the bus driver "would you like a screwdriver?"

He replies, "no thanks, I'm trying to fix the bus."

DarthKermit:

 

One I remember from that TV show Are you being served?

 

Mrs Slocombe was going on a bus trip and the bus broke down.

 

She asks the bus driver "would you like a screwdriver?"

 

He replies, "no thanks, I'm trying to fix the bus."

 

Mrs Slocombe's pussy was an ongoing gag through that whole series.

I remember it got very wet, very often.

So, I am trying to work out how to vote in the referenda.

If I vote yes to cannabis, is that what they call a wasted vote?

Early voting started today so I went to my local polling station.

They gave me the two ballot papers one for the election and another for the two referenda and asked if I had any questions.

I said, "If I get the right answer to all four questions, is there a prize?"

jpoc:

 

Early voting started today so I went to my local polling station.

 

They gave me the two ballot papers one for the election and another for the two referenda and asked if I had any questions.

 

I said, "If I get the right answer to all four questions, is there a prize?"

 

 

 

 

 

You get a free pen.

(This is a very old joke that has been updated to fit the times)

After fleeing arrest in America, Donald Trump invites Franklin Graham to a round of golf on his new Scottish course. It is a typically beautiful Scottish day, with a howling gale, flashes of lightning, and roars of thunder. The two men set out. 

At the first hole, Trump scythes at his ball with a putter, but fails to connect. “##$$!@#%$!!! Damn, I missed!” he exclaims as he dances around the ball in a rage.

Graham gently admonishes him. “You should not use language like that”, he says. “The Lord does not like it.”

They move on to the next hole. While Graham isn’t looking, Trump picks up his ball and moves it to a better location. He grabs a driver and bashes at it. “@#^%&#!! Goddamn, I missed again!” he screams red-faced.

“Please do not speak like that,” Graham pleads. “It is blasphemous. You will be punished.”

They carry on. Trump ends up in the rough. He kicks wildly at the ball while tweeting a non-stop stream of expletives. Suddenly the heavens open. There is a brilliant flash of light and a deafening crash of thunder as a bolt streaks down and incinerates the good Reverend Graham, transforming him into a pile of carbonised dust. A deep, bellowing voice rolls across the clouds. 

“Damn! I missed!”