Things that you hate about being a parent

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Networkn
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#2374200 12-Dec-2019 12:52

My grandfather said a few things to me as a kid I recalled my whole life:

1) Kids can be the best, and the worst thing that ever happen to you. Sometimes 10 seconds apart.

2) Pick your battles, you can't win them all.

There was another, but it's alluding me presently.

Fred99

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#2374203 12-Dec-2019 12:57

networkn:

Fred99:

I'm a bit older - some of our friends are grandparents.

Please shoot me if I ever become a grandparent and do what some of them do - whine about parenting ability (or more precisely - perceived lack of) by sons/daughters in law.

It's a rite of passage. My MIL is especially good at it. I remind her that both my kids are happy and healthy and despite all the "terrible" parenting decisions we make my son won the top award at his school for the 4th time in 5 years. :)

It literally goes in one ear and out the other.

Yep - you have to zip it and not let it get to you.

Started for us within hours of becoming parents. Emergency prem birth, child in neonatal ICU and wife very close to death several times over a couple of months. (our son was officially discharged before she was). A certain in-law offering advice on what I should be doing and how everything the specialists were doing wasn't enough. The nurses in the unit found a bed and wheeled it into her room for me to sleep on and keep watch, organised meals for me in their staff room.

Welcome to parenthood.

A year later, everybody alive and well, and it starts - "so when will you be having another one" - along with comments about how stupid/cruel it would be to bring up an only child. At that stage they had to be told - with brutal honesty - exactly what the deal was. That worked in that we never got parenting advice from them again, but still gives me the creeps thinking about it.

That now long in the past, I've really enjoyed being a parent. He still drives me nuts at times, but he's a hell of lot better than I was through adolescence and young adulthood. I was a nightmare for any parent.

ShiroHagen

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#2374241 12-Dec-2019 13:50

No one’s saying it but I will. I hate the fact that parenting kills libido for many parents: male and female. You actually have to put a lot of planning and effort into maintaining a semi decent love life for both partners, whereas before you had far more energy, time, and money to have err “fun”.

I get why some just give up on intimacy and are unhappy in their relationship. Not easy is it?

elpenguino

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#2374255 12-Dec-2019 14:20

ShiroHagen:

No one’s saying it but I will. I hate the fact that parenting kills libido for many parents: male and female. You actually have to put a lot of planning and effort into maintaining a semi decent love life for both partners, whereas before you had far more energy, time, and money to have err “fun”.

I get why some just give up on intimacy and are unhappy in their relationship. Not easy is it?

Pro Tip: If their ages and interests align at all, get them into a shared activity.

It's amazing what you can do in a one hour kung fu lesson. Not at the lesson, at home.. you know what I mean.

Most of the posters in this thread are just like chimpanzees on MDMA, full of feelings of bonhomie, joy, and optimism. Fred99 8/4/21

elpenguino

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#2374256 12-Dec-2019 14:21

networkn:

My grandfather said a few things to me as a kid I recalled my whole life:

1) Kids can be the best, and the worst thing that ever happen to you. Sometimes 10 seconds apart.

2) Pick your battles, you can't win them all.

There was another, but it's alluding me presently.

Pass me another beer before your grandma comes back?

Most of the posters in this thread are just like chimpanzees on MDMA, full of feelings of bonhomie, joy, and optimism. Fred99 8/4/21

elpenguino

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#2374261 12-Dec-2019 14:27

We would have happily just had the one child but to do the family thing and let the first one experience a sibling we made a second human. This is at some sacrifice - more time out of the work force, cost to raise blah blah. I'm unlikely to ever get back on a motorbike because of this.

Of course they go at it hammer and tongs sometimes, par for the course I guess, as they learn those personal skills such as when can and can't you call another person a dumbass without upsetting them?

There's no appreciation of the efforts at all.

Most of the posters in this thread are just like chimpanzees on MDMA, full of feelings of bonhomie, joy, and optimism. Fred99 8/4/21

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Fred99

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#2374268 12-Dec-2019 14:36

Don't make idle threats without having the intention of carrying them out.

A brother of a friend of mine miscalculated this, was told as a teenager that if he ever brought a motorcycle home, his mother would chop it in half with an axe. She tried but technically failed - maybe the axe wasn't sharp enough, she had trouble with the frame. AFAIK he never owned another motorbike.

sen8or

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#2374270 12-Dec-2019 14:38

elpenguino:

ShiroHagen:

No one’s saying it but I will. I hate the fact that parenting kills libido for many parents: male and female. You actually have to put a lot of planning and effort into maintaining a semi decent love life for both partners, whereas before you had far more energy, time, and money to have err “fun”.

I get why some just give up on intimacy and are unhappy in their relationship. Not easy is it?

Pro Tip: If their ages and interests align at all, get them into a shared activity.

It's amazing what you can do in a one hour kung fu lesson. Not at the lesson, at home.. you know what I mean.

Yep, and when old enough, a bus trip to the movie theatre. 2 hr movie + 1 hr bus ride = :) times that aren't rushed into a 1 hour time slot (less drop off / pick up time)

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#2374276 12-Dec-2019 14:52

Sitting through a 2.5 hrs ballet recital when the child was only on stage for 5 minutes....(audible Terry Prachet novel on low using single earbud was the solution.)

The look of surprise on your parents face when they comment how great the grandchildren are doing..

Your parents getting annoyed that you are not doing X,Y,Z for your kids when your parents did not do that for you..

elpenguino

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#2374279 12-Dec-2019 14:56

sen8or:
elpenguino:

ShiroHagen:

No one’s saying it but I will. I hate the fact that parenting kills libido for many parents: male and female. You actually have to put a lot of planning and effort into maintaining a semi decent love life for both partners, whereas before you had far more energy, time, and money to have err “fun”.

I get why some just give up on intimacy and are unhappy in their relationship. Not easy is it?

Pro Tip: If their ages and interests align at all, get them into a shared activity.

It's amazing what you can do in a one hour kung fu lesson. Not at the lesson, at home.. you know what I mean.

Yep, and when old enough, a bus trip to the movie theatre. 2 hr movie + 1 hr bus ride = :) times that aren't rushed into a 1 hour time slot (less drop off / pick up time)

Haha, yes I think that one was used on me a couple of times.

Most of the posters in this thread are just like chimpanzees on MDMA, full of feelings of bonhomie, joy, and optimism. Fred99 8/4/21

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#2374317 12-Dec-2019 15:51

As a relatively new parent, and somewhat of a cliche given my partner stays at home to take care of our child, the worst thing for me is the guilt I feel every day when I head off to work.

And then, the guilt when I'm tired when I get home and don't feel like cooking dinner (and guilt myself into it) or when I roll over in the middle of the night (ostensibly because I have to get up for work in the morning) rather than going in to sit with the baby for an hour or so until he goes back to sleep.

Frankly, it's the guilt - not only in the time not spent with the little guy, but the knowledge that most of the weight of parenting is mostly on my partner's back (or boobs more precisely).

We discussed the working thing before the baby came of course, I earned more so should keep working, and the whole "boobs is best" thing that the midwives were pushing...

But yeah, it's the guilt that a big chunk of my time and energy is spent elsewhere - that's the worst thing - and the thing I really wasn't expecting.

It's just something I'm learning to accept, and compensate for, but rather than being the dad I'd always wanted myself to be, I'm the guy that is out early in the morning and just gets home in time for bath and bedtime stories.

Putting food on the table is essential of course, and I'm privileged to be in a position that we can have one income cover that (for now) - but I just know I'm going to regret missing this time with him - he's already toddling about!

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networkn

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#2374322 12-Dec-2019 15:57

I was trying to be a good dad when the first baby was born. I got up with wifey at every feed, settled him tried to do all the things she was doing that I could, and then worked a way more than full time job.

One morning was eating my breakfast at work and realized I had ZERO memory of anything that had happened the night before, showering or shaving, driving to work, nothing.

That night I went home and had the talk with my wife. Moved into another room for a couple of months and did a lot less of the night time stuff. Probably saved someones life :-/

Fred99

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#2374329 12-Dec-2019 16:16

elpenguino:

We would have happily just had the one child but to do the family thing and let the first one experience a sibling we made a second human.

We might have done if things had worked out differently.

Only major issue with socialisation was with walking. Being prem, he was kind of late to learn - but that not aided by the training from our dog - who I'm sure he thought was an older sibling. He learned to motor at high speed on all fours to his room to pick up a toy etc, and come back with it in his mouth. Two legs bad - four legs good. After the dog died a few years later, we spotted him going around the yard peeing on trees and posts, marking the territory of his lost brother. There's video LOL. I keep thinking about uploading it to Facebook, but that's what a bad dad would do...

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#2374533 13-Dec-2019 08:15

empacher48:
I guess it’s other parents, or adults who should know better than voice their opinion that annoy me more than my kids. After all, the kids are learning every day how to be humans and some of the tension is through poor communication (they don’t have the skills to get the message across, and as parents we don’t have the skills to understand them).

This. Clearly my kids are the same as their kids were 50 years ago and clearly they were perfect parents. They never got smashed and drove home with us in the back, sucking on Rothmans with the windows up and no seatbelts.

To be fair I feel the same about the breast feeding facists and any number of people who want to judge others parenting. Most people are doing the best with what they have and sometimes have bad days.

I don't really hate much more than that - well not for more than an hour anyway. I do different things though. I'm currently sitting in Zurich airport about to take an overnight flight home to Dubai so I can be home for the wholr weekend with my kids. If you'd told me before kids that I would do that I would have looked at you like you were crazy. Somehow now it's worth it.

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#2374588 13-Dec-2019 10:09

grimwulf:
As a relatively new parent, and somewhat of a cliche given my partner stays at home to take care of our child, the worst thing for me is the guilt I feel every day when I head off to work.

And then, the guilt when I'm tired when I get home and don't feel like cooking dinner (and guilt myself into it) or when I roll over in the middle of the night (ostensibly because I have to get up for work in the morning) rather than going in to sit with the baby for an hour or so until he goes back to sleep.

Frankly, it's the guilt - not only in the time not spent with the little guy, but the knowledge that most of the weight of parenting is mostly on my partner's back (or boobs more precisely).

We discussed the working thing before the baby came of course, I earned more so should keep working, and the whole "boobs is best" thing that the midwives were pushing...

But yeah, it's the guilt that a big chunk of my time and energy is spent elsewhere - that's the worst thing - and the thing I really wasn't expecting.

It's just something I'm learning to accept, and compensate for, but rather than being the dad I'd always wanted myself to be, I'm the guy that is out early in the morning and just gets home in time for bath and bedtime stories.

Putting food on the table is essential of course, and I'm privileged to be in a position that we can have one income cover that (for now) - but I just know I'm going to regret missing this time with him - he's already toddling about!

All you can do as a parent is what you can do. There's never enough time, there's never enough money, there's never enough sleep!

In my experience a dad's job in the first two years is to provide enough of everything for mum to do her job. You are very much a third wheel and outside of bonding and giving mum some respite you don't do that much to directly contribute.

That changes a lot as they become small people but I have found peace that I'm doing my best, my wife is doing her best and the kids are doing their best and we all care for each other. We can fix the rest

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