Silly joke thread

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#2471758 26-Apr-2020 21:30

How not to tease your kid when drunk.

Honey, you're adopted.
Oh daddy, I still love you.
I'm so glad to hear that sweet pea.
Your new parents will be here to pick you up in 5mins.
Boom boom :)

linw

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#2471810 27-Apr-2020 08:48

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men....are men.

linw

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#2471811 27-Apr-2020 08:48

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Sydney Harbour. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love with her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Manly Ferry."

floydbloke

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#2481709 12-May-2020 09:48

Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

jpoc

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#2487464 20-May-2020 23:36

We need to ban 5G, it is a very dangerous technology.

I keep reading reports of the cell towers going on fire.

networkn

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#2487465 20-May-2020 23:48

A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with a girl clinging to his back. The host asked him what he was coming as, and he replied, I am a turtle! The host then points at the girl and says, who is she?. He replies, oh, that's Michelle.

floydbloke

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#2488759 21-May-2020 14:41

networkn:

A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with a girl clinging to his back. The host asked him what he was coming as, and he replied, I am a turtle! The host then points at the girl and says, who is she?. He replies, oh, that's Michelle.

I had to read that twice, out loud the second time, before the cringe took hold. Love it🤣.

Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

networkn

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#2488763 21-May-2020 14:45

Sorry, I didn't write it particularly clearly. It's much better heard than read. The art of telling a joke well is under valued :)

eracode

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#2504343 14-Jun-2020 08:31

Our neighbours' 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

Sometimes I just sit and think. Other times I just sit.

jpoc

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#2504355 14-Jun-2020 09:42

I just got some spam offering to sell me an electronic mosquito lamp and I was like what? Electronic mosquitoes, whatever next?

jpoc

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#2504356 14-Jun-2020 09:43

The answer to avoiding Covid-19 is in the Bible. Matthew 27:24.

Tinkerisk

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#2504587 14-Jun-2020 19:02

Trump is standing on a bridge. The bridge collapses. Why?

The wiser gives in!

Qui nihil scit, omnia credere debet. - He who knows nothing must believe everything.
Firewalls do NOT stop dragons.
Avoid Big Tech!
In effect we have everything to hide from someone, and no idea who someone is.