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Plesse igmore amd axxept applogies in adbance fir anu typos
'Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.' Voltaire
'A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.' Edward Abbey
PUTIN DENIES MITCH MCCONNELL IS RUSSIAN ASSET: “HE HAS NEVER BEEN AN ASSET TO ANY COUNTRY”
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against charges that Senator Mitch McConnell is a Russian asset, the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, said on Tuesday that McConnell “has never been an asset to any country.”
“You can scour the four corners of the globe, and you will not find a nation that would ever in a million years consider Mitch McConnell an asset,” Putin said.
The Russian President urged pundits who have called McConnell a Russian asset “to look up the word ‘asset’ in the dictionary.”
“You will find that ‘asset’ means a useful or valuable thing,” Putin said. “The only part of that definition that fits McConnell is ‘thing.’ ”
Pressing his case further, he said that it was debatable whether McConnell was even an asset to his home state of Kentucky. “Maybe compared to Rand Paul he is, but that’s setting the bar ludicrously low,” he said.
Concluding his remarks, Putin said that people who ask, “Who does Mitch McConnell work for?” are asking the wrong question. “The question should be ‘When has Mitch McConnell ever worked?’ ” he said.
'Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.' Voltaire
'A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.' Edward Abbey
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GOVERNMENT HOUSING STRUCTURE INFESTED WITH CRIMINALS AND RATS
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A government-subsidized housing structure has fallen into a dangerous state and has become thoroughly infested with criminals and rats, a leading congressman warned on Saturday.
The building has become “the territory of vicious gangsters who roam freely and consider themselves above the law,” Representative Elijah Cummings, a Democrat of Maryland, said.
The congressman added that notorious gang members took over the housing facility in early 2017 and have “spread terror and despair” there ever since.
“People are scared to be there,” Cummings said. “Hundreds have fled.”
He said that the horrific conditions within the housing complex are one of the nation’s worst-kept secrets. “Many of the people who have fled over the past two years have written books about it,” he said. “But the criminals continue to run wild.”
The congressman said that he was speaking out for the benefit of the residents in his Baltimore, Maryland, district. “I am alarmed that the nation’s worst breeding ground for crime is less than fifty miles from Baltimore,” he said.
'Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.' Voltaire
'A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.' Edward Abbey
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Plesse igmore amd axxept applogies in adbance fir anu typos
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