Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fall forward they'd land in the boat. 

why are fire engines red?

You'd also be red if your hose was hanging out

What's the difference between agnosticism and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

Here's a stupid old one you might remember from school - I remember telling it to my mum as she drove, was in hysterics

Spell pig backwards and then say 'alot like a waterfall'

Sounds like me as I get older?

And here's one that just worked on my wife, whilst helping her hang some stuff up.

"Damn, I can't find my hammerfor".

"What's a hammerfor?"

"Knocking in nails, dummy". ROTFLMAO

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says - I think I might be a type O.

Here's one for your kids:

Knock knock

Who's there?

I made a big pile up

<laugh wildly when they say "I made a big pile o' poo">

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but serviceable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs.

Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Saw this one today:

Q: What borders on stupidity?

A: Mexico and Canada

OMG my wife came flying downstairs to find out why I was laughing so loudly.

We are 10 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. 
 It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.

Vincent