Silly joke thread

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Networkn
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#3034899 11-Feb-2023 10:11

Tinkerisk:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: „That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!“

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: „The driver just insulted me!“

The man says: „You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.“

And this one. I tell it often.

networkn

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#3035623 12-Feb-2023 20:11

I just stepped on a cornflake.

Does that make me a cereal killer?

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#3036675 14-Feb-2023 20:23

Where was the declaration of independence signed?

At the bottom of the page.

Deamo

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#3036811 15-Feb-2023 09:53

excel nerd joke

BlueShift

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#3036956 15-Feb-2023 11:10

The optimist says the glass is 1/2 full

The pessimist says the glass is 1/2 empty

Excel says the glass is the first of February

Tinkerisk

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#3039087 19-Feb-2023 18:24

Patient: Doctor, I want to lose weight fast.

Doctor: It is very easy, just keep shaking your head, left and right.

Patient: All the time?

Doctor: No, only when someone offers you food.

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#3039155 19-Feb-2023 22:23

Tinkerisk:

Patient: Doctor, I want to lose weight fast.

Doctor: It is very easy, just keep shaking your head, left and right.

Patient: All the time?

Doctor: No, only when someone offers you food.

This is awesome.

Tinkerisk

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#3040268 21-Feb-2023 18:15

The German government has decided to recruit only young people from socially deprived areas for the army. They have combat experience and functioning weapons.

sir1963

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#3040748 23-Feb-2023 08:55

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”

“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”

Kookoo

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#3040764 23-Feb-2023 09:46

Deamo:

excel nerd joke

Nice!

Hello, Ground!

networkn

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#3044037 2-Mar-2023 22:00

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?

6, 7 8

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#3044038 2-Mar-2023 22:01

I was so relieved when I told my wife I didn't want kids and she agreed with me.

We are telling the kids tonight.

BlueShift

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#3047464 8-Mar-2023 15:27

I told my son "You're adopted"

He said to me "That's ok, you've been a father to me all these years, it means more than any transfer of genetic material"

I replied "No, you misunderstand me. You've been adopted, they're picking you up in an hour."

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#3047537 8-Mar-2023 17:22

BlueShift:

I told my son "You're adopted"

He said to me "That's ok, you've been a father to me all these years, it means more than any transfer of genetic material"

I replied "No, you misunderstand me. You've been adopted, they're picking you up in an hour."

Heh, I've heard that one told as :

I told my son "You're adopted" and he was very upset. He asked, "are You and Mummy not my real parents?", to which I replied, "Of course we are! But your new parents will be here in about half an hour".

Geektastic

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#3047891 9-Mar-2023 09:19

Rob Brydon shared this one the other night, which he apparently got from the late, great Barry Cryer who in turn got it from a bloke in a pub!

A man is at his wife’s funeral.

He’s sat in the front row looking miserable.

The vicar comes down and says to him “I’m very sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can get you?”

The man says “Yes. What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

The vicar says “We’re burying your wife today!”

The man says “Thanks. Is that all lower case?”

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