argument with the girlfriend

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#1172601 11-Nov-2014 08:37

alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

Sounds like the words of a single man. Not all relationships are like that, a lot probably are but theres a good chunk where both sides get on well.

Like anything in life you pick your battles. If its something trivial then go with what the other person wants, if it means a lot to you dig your heels in.

BlueShift

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#1172605 11-Nov-2014 08:50

alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. I met my wife over 25 years ago. Maybe its because we both don't really care for cornflakes except in afghan biscuits...

But I'll take your advice on board and watch out for those inevitable, escalating, irresolvable conflicts.

wasabi2k

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#1172627 11-Nov-2014 09:30

alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

As has been said - you are so utterly wrong.

Relationships take work and a lot of it. However it is not the endless contest and negotiation you describe. Having someone there to support you and help you through the hard times, celebrate the good and make you be a better person is worth not always watching what you want to on TV.

So no - it isn't like the movies where hot girl and hot guy fall in love and everything is butterflies and rainbows.

edit: we don't eat cornflakes either so maybe that's why those relationships fail..

networkn

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#1172642 11-Nov-2014 09:55

alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

ppftttt what are you TALKING about? You might want to talk to my Grandparents who met and married in 4 weeks and got to 55 years of marriage, or my wifes grandparents who reached 65 years of marriage. I have been with my wife 20 years and whilst there have been some rough times, I'd categorise myself as happily married.

There is no doubt that it's hard work, but most things worth having involve at least a little anyway.

Hammerer

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#1172673 11-Nov-2014 10:30

alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

@Alasta
You're right that conflict is inevitable but I haven't found that it escalates over time. Relationships aren't purely romantic and they often don't involve much negotiation. I married a woman who had mostly the same goals as I did and we work together to achieve them. It is great to spend long periods of time with someone who wants the same things and is also prepared to forgo some of what they want to achieve that. Every year our love for each other grows.

@golfpunk111
From my perspective your solution (each to their own family) is reasonable. But I know from experience that it probably doesn't address her concerns - spoken and unspoken. Two people will usually process issues differently so it is worth examining what is happening behind the presenting issue. What might be behind her stance, i.e. what assumptions do you each make about how your relationship should work?
What is behind her commitment to "attending as couples"? Does it signify something more important?
How committed are each of you to the other's family?
Where does compromise fit in her view? Why wouldn't you go with her preference?

Rikkitic

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#1172675 11-Nov-2014 10:33

Occasional conflict will be part of any relationship. Successful conflict resolution demands reasonable compromise. I would consider contacting both parties organising the celebrations, explaining the situation, and guaging how they feel about the different options. One possibility that has not yet been suggested is offering to visit as a couple a day or so before or after one celebration as well as attending the other celebration together.

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#1172682 11-Nov-2014 10:46

alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

u haven't read networkn & coffeebaron's posts ;p

Batman

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#1172684 11-Nov-2014 10:48

BTR:
alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

Sounds like the words of a single man. Not all relationships are like that, a lot probably are but theres a good chunk where both sides get on well.

Like anything in life you pick your battles. If its something trivial then go with what the other person wants, if it means a lot to you dig your heels in.

conflict is normal.

escalation is a choice.

unfortunately there are 2 parties who have that choice. oops.

pctek

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#1172956 11-Nov-2014 16:37

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. I met my wife over 25 years ago. Maybe its because we both don't really care for cornflakes except in afghan biscuits...

But I'll take your advice on board and watch out for those inevitable, escalating, irresolvable conflicts.

LOL. Been married 34 years....conflicts? Of course, no-one agrees 100% of the time about everything.

In-Laws? Go, or don't go...no biggie. My partner visited sister not long ago, in another town, I was invited, didn't go.
No-one got all knotted about it - the sister included.

You may argue, well, then move on, life goes on.

Geektastic

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#1173168 11-Nov-2014 22:17

pctek:

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. I met my wife over 25 years ago. Maybe its because we both don't really care for cornflakes except in afghan biscuits...

But I'll take your advice on board and watch out for those inevitable, escalating, irresolvable conflicts.

LOL. Been married 34 years....conflicts? Of course, no-one agrees 100% of the time about everything.

In-Laws? Go, or don't go...no biggie. My partner visited sister not long ago, in another town, I was invited, didn't go.
No-one got all knotted about it - the sister included.

You may argue, well, then move on, life goes on.

It gets even more entertaining when a visit to the outlaws requires you to spend up large on an airline ticket to London..! That really can produce a difference of opinion.

Batman

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#1173220 11-Nov-2014 23:04

*gulp

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#1175274 13-Nov-2014 15:53

Normal social etiquette is once you have accepted one invitation you stick with it and declined subsequent invitations that clash with exceptions made for highly important events.

I think your solution is very reasonable. In 5 years the child won't remember if you were there or not. Your family will understand.

@alasta the modern pantry has room for more than one box of cornflakes.

Mike

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#1175332 13-Nov-2014 17:04

wasabi2k:
alasta: This is why, although a nice idea, romantic relationships don't really work very well in practice. Human nature doesn't cope well with being stuck in close proximity to someone for long periods of time and having to negotiate everything ranging from what to watch on TV through to what brand of cornflakes to buy. It inevitably leads to conflicts like this, and the conflict usually escalates over time.

As has been said - you are so utterly wrong.

Relationships take work and a lot of it. However it is not the endless contest and negotiation you describe. Having someone there to support you and help you through the hard times, celebrate the good and make you be a better person is worth not always watching what you want to on TV.

So no - it isn't like the movies where hot girl and hot guy fall in love and everything is butterflies and rainbows.

edit: we don't eat cornflakes either so maybe that's why those relationships fail..

And there's always the obvious solution: buy two TV's!!

MikeB4

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#1175333 13-Nov-2014 17:06

Geektastic:
pctek:

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. I met my wife over 25 years ago. Maybe its because we both don't really care for cornflakes except in afghan biscuits...

But I'll take your advice on board and watch out for those inevitable, escalating, irresolvable conflicts.

LOL. Been married 34 years....conflicts? Of course, no-one agrees 100% of the time about everything.

In-Laws? Go, or don't go...no biggie. My partner visited sister not long ago, in another town, I was invited, didn't go.
No-one got all knotted about it - the sister included.

You may argue, well, then move on, life goes on.

It gets even more entertaining when a visit to the outlaws requires you to spend up large on an airline ticket to London..! That really can produce a difference of opinion.

My In laws are only 2KMs from us and I only visit about once a quarter if really needed and thats too much

Here is a crazy notion, lets give peace a chance.

jarledb

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#1175406 13-Nov-2014 19:35

KiwiNZ:
My In laws are only 2KMs from us and I only visit about once a quarter if really needed and thats too much

Now I get why you want to be anonymous ;)

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