What has five legs and a big smile?

A happy Pit Bull Terrier.

Mother-in-law (in good health) to her son-in-law:

- Whatever it takes, do not care how you do it but I wish for my grave to be near the Kremlin Wall... (FYI: mission impossible);

Next day:

- Made couple of phone calls, dear, do not care how you do it but funeral is tomorrow :-)

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To visit his flatmate.

As I was walking past St Paul's

A woman grabbed me by the elbow:

She said to me "You look like a man of pluck!"

"Why not come in and have a ham sandwich?"

Two chaps playing golf.

They are on the 9th, which happens to be close to the road. As they are preparing to play off, a funeral cortege passes slowly by.

One of the men removes his cap and stands with his head bowed until it has moved out of sight.

"That's very respectful of you." says the other one.

"Well, we were married for 22 years." comes the reply.

A man was on holiday in Africa. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so he approached it carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully as he could, he worked the wood out with a knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. He never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, he was at a zoo. As he approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to him. The large elephant stared at him, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did this several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter, he couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same goddamned elephant.

Old man lies, dying, in a hospital bed. He asks a nurse if he can see his family. His wife, his two sons and his daughter come into the room and cluster around him, and listen closely to his terminal whisper. "To you Ben, my oldest boy, I leave the apartments in Mayfair". "And Brenda, my darling daughter, to you I leave the townhouses in Chelsea". "Come here, Brian. Listen closely. To you I leave the mansion in Kensington". As he gave his last breath, the nurse turned to the wife and said "I never knew he was rich and had all that property". "Rich!" said the wife. "You must be joking! he was a window cleaner!"

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground, except for the eagle.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?

Take it for a drag.

Two Irish couples decide that they want to try swinging.

After a couple of hours of passion, one of the guys says "I wonder how the girls are getting on?"

Whitney Houston's funeral was broadcast live on the Internet. I watched it on my Black bury.

Jesus walks into a bar..

"just 12 waters please"

<winks at disciples>

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?

Well......you'll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school ..

'Yes, yes i did. I'm a 'morganner 'he beamed with pride.

'When did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'You were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely..............

Then the ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat arsed,
grey haired,
decrepit,
bastard asked.............


'What did you teach?'

A young guy strides into a pharmacy and approaches the elderly shop-assistant: "Six dozen condoms please, Miss".

The assistant scowls: "Don't you 'Miss' me, young man!"

The guy doesn't skip a beat: "Sure, if you're game - so make it six dozen and one".