It's my wife's birthday coming up - she asked me to get her something for the bath.

I bought a toaster...

My wife and I would have split years ago if it wasn't for the kids.

She wouldn't have them and neither would I.

My wife says I don't listen.

At least I think that's what she said!

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who do not.

Are there any Germans on this thread?

Let's have a show of Hans.

I found a word spelt 'incorrectly' in the dictionary the other day.

http://bit.ly/2wsuz6C

They've apparently taken gullible out of the dictionary.

True have a look: http://bit.ly/2fC98cg 

Winston Peters walks into a bar...oh, no, sorry - that wasn't a joke.

Geektastic:

 

Winston Peters walks into a bar...oh, no, sorry - that wasn't a joke.

 

He doesn't need to walk into a bar to be a joke.

A woman says to her husband "I wish my breasts were bigger"

He says "Rub toilet paper between them every day"

She says "How will that make them bigger?"

He says "I don't really know, but it's worked on your butt"

Skeleton walks into a bar an orders a beer and a mop.

Arial walks into bar and orders a Chardonnay.  The bar tender look at her and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here"

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"

Why was the mushroom always invited to parties: Because he was a fun-guy.

A woman walks into the rooftop bar of a posh hotel and sees a man drinking on his own who is very handsome.

She walks up, takes the stool next to him and says "Hi, I'm Jane. What are you drinking?"

"Hi. Magic beer."

"Magic beer? Magic how?"

"I'll show you." The man gets up, walks to the parapet, jumps over and flies round the building twice before landing on his stool.

"Wow! I'll have magic beer too!" says Jane.

She necks it in one, walks over to the parapet, jumps off and plunges 40 storeys to her death.

The bar tender says..."Superman, you are one mean drunk!"

Very nervous first time bank robber races into the bank and yells:

"Air in the hands, motherstickers,

This is a fcuk-up !"

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.