Parents - how are you monitoring/controlling your teenagers access to social media?

Forums › Off topic › Parents - how are you monitoring/controlling your teenagers access to social media?

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1971 posts

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#2898482 8-Apr-2022 10:38

Educate, educate, educate and build trust in your relationship.

Once they have a device it's a snowball you won't be able to stop. So educate them to do what they can to keep themselves safe, to come to you when there is something they don't like and to be mentally strong because whether you like it or not they are going to experience things you would prefer they didn't.

Educate them about screen time and FOMO but don't forget about the good things that can come from it.

We were reasonably strict with our first (now 21). We stopped her from signing up to various channels (or at least tried), insisted we be contacted by schools and coaches etc and it was a massive struggle. Other parents and teachers just didn't care and saw us as freaks for wanting to help her navigate it all.

We realised with our second (now 19) we were powerless to stop him from being signed up to anything and everything by schools, sports clubs and associations without our knowledge or consent so we talked with him about it regularly.

With our third (14) we've completely given up. Everyone of her friends, teachers and coaches use a different method to communicate. We live a fair distance from her college friends and so her being in her room, listening to music, talking to her friends via whatever method she can is important to her. We don't monitor her like the others but we continue to talk about her time on SM, what she's using, what she is seeing and what she's doing herself.

The older two check in regularly too which is nice because although I think I'm pretty clued up on all this in truth I have absolutely no idea what they are signed up to and doing.

KDee

71 posts

Master Geek

#2898485 8-Apr-2022 10:43

martyyn:

Educate, educate, educate and build trust in your relationship.

Once they have a device it's a snowball you won't be able to stop. So educate them to do what they can to keep themselves safe, to come to you when there is something they don't like and to be mentally strong because whether you like it or not they are going to experience things you would prefer they didn't.

Educate them about screen time and FOMO but don't forget about the good things that can come from it.

We were reasonably strict with our first (now 21). We stopped her from signing up to various channels (or at least tried), insisted we be contacted by schools and coaches etc and it was a massive struggle. Other parents and teachers just didn't care and saw us as freaks for wanting to help her navigate it all.

We realised with our second (now 19) we were powerless to stop him from being signed up to anything and everything by schools, sports clubs and associations without our knowledge or consent so we talked with him about it regularly.

With our third (14) we've completely given up. Everyone of her friends, teachers and coaches use a different method to communicate. We live a fair distance from her college friends and so her being in her room, listening to music, talking to her friends via whatever method she can is important to her. We don't monitor her like the others but we continue to talk about her time on SM, what she's using, what she is seeing and what she's doing herself.

The older two check in regularly too which is nice because although I think I'm pretty clued up on all this in truth I have absolutely no idea what they are signed up to and doing.

Do you - or have you - implemented any sort of software or hardware based controls/limits? Were they effective? Or has the "lets work together on this" approach been successful?

blackjack17

1705 posts

Uber Geek

#2898494 8-Apr-2022 11:09

I have had student's who's parents use life 360 https://www.life360.com/ I have also have students who's parents use GPS trackers in the car (unknown model). In the past I have had students that have been geofenced and so if leave permissible locations the parents get notified. Those students learnt to leave their phones at places they were allowed to be while they took their backup to the place they wanted to be.

Students will also have more than one account with a lot of social media sites. Facebook for grandparents, personal and family Instagram, snapchat, tiktok, they don't seem to use twitter or reddit (at least in my experience).

I use microsoft family with my daughter, but she doesn't have a personal device and she is only allowed to use the family laptop for homework/zoom calls. She is not allowed to use the laptop in her room.

My general feeling (with talking with students) is parents have been getting less strict over the past couple of years as far as access goes.

I can ask my classes what their parent's use, and what they do to get around it. Most are pretty open about it

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KDee

71 posts

Master Geek

#2898495 8-Apr-2022 11:14

blackjack17:

I can ask my classes what their parent's use, and what they do to get around it. Most are pretty open about it

This would be really interesting.

I would also be interested to know how self-aware they are around social media and whether they feel it's a net-benefit to them or if they know it's not good for them but don't have the tools/self-discipline to stop or moderate their usage.

Sounds like you have a really great relationship with your students - so good! 🤙

mrdrifter

577 posts

Ultimate Geek

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#2898500 8-Apr-2022 11:25

We've been using MS family Safety for the ability to monitor usage and if we need to check in on location, but generally it's education and relationship driven. The phone gets plugged in on my desk in the evenings and they are good about this.

The intermediate class actually ran an experiment with the kids recently where thy all had to check their phone settings and write down and graph their mobile device usage for the previous week. Ours was at the left hand side of the graph with 8 minutes, the highest was one of the children with 32 hours of usage, 30+ of those hours was on tiktok.

martyyn

1971 posts

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#2898501 8-Apr-2022 11:26

KDee:

Do you - or have you - implemented any sort of software or hardware based controls/limits? Were they effective? Or has the "lets work together on this" approach been successful?

I may have, on occasion, said "you do know I can see everything going in and out of this house" but I've never used any kind of hardware/software, it's always been "lets work together" and I'd like to think it's been successful.

blackjack17

1705 posts

Uber Geek

#2898529 8-Apr-2022 11:42

mrdrifter:

We've been using MS family Safety for the ability to monitor usage and if we need to check in on location, but generally it's education and relationship driven. The phone gets plugged in on my desk in the evenings and they are good about this.

The intermediate class actually ran an experiment with the kids recently where thy all had to check their phone settings and write down and graph their mobile device usage for the previous week. Ours was at the left hand side of the graph with 8 minutes, the highest was one of the children with 32 hours of usage, 30+ of those hours was on tiktok.

I've done this with students and have some that have over 15 hours of phone use in a day.

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KDee

71 posts

Master Geek

#2898533 8-Apr-2022 11:49

blackjack17:

mrdrifter:

The intermediate class actually ran an experiment with the kids recently where thy all had to check their phone settings and write down and graph their mobile device usage for the previous week. Ours was at the left hand side of the graph with 8 minutes, the highest was one of the children with 32 hours of usage, 30+ of those hours was on tiktok.

I've done this with students and have some that have over 15 hours of phone use in a day.

Seeing my niece routinely average 8+ hours a day (one was a 12 hour day with 10.5 hours of that being TikTok) is what kick-started my research.

Do you think your average, non tech-savvy parent is aware of these sorts of hours? Do they care? Do they have the knowledge and tools to help their kid?

lchiu7

6476 posts

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#2898570 8-Apr-2022 13:19

For Android phones you could install this on their phones

https://familytime.io/parental-controls-for-android.html

And for IOS

https://familytime.io/features/ios.html

No idea if how well they work but what I can imagine is, if they do, then there are going to some tough conversations between parent and child!

I am just grateful the only problem I had was my son spending too much time IMHO online playing games. Still he went to university, graduated and is now working for a global organisation I guess there were no untoward effects.

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MikeAqua

7785 posts

Uber Geek

#2898578 8-Apr-2022 13:49

We don't but: -

No devices in rooms overnight

Have taught our kids values

Discuss often as a family the issue and pitfalls of social media

I have all the kids logins, but use them very rarely

Mike

gzt

17140 posts

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#2898581 8-Apr-2022 13:55

KDee: My question for Geekzone parents is: what are you doing to create a safe environment for your teenagers when it comes to internet access and social media

You can add games and VR to your list.

scuwp

3885 posts

Uber Geek

#2898582 8-Apr-2022 14:00

We don't. Not really

We have taught our kids values, respect, integrity, patience, and common sense. They also know they can come to us for guidance, that we trust them to make good decisions, and consequences when they don't.

Electronic devices and media are their world now, and they need to learn to navigate it.

Lazy is such an ugly word, I prefer to call it selective participation

MadEngineer

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#2898595 8-Apr-2022 14:21

blackjack17:
Will just add.

Kids will get past any blocking software/hardware limits you introduce, even if it is by using a second device and their own data. The key is developing relationships with the kids so that they know why the rules are in place so that even if they disagree with them they can see your side and will follow the rules (most of the time). The students i have with rules such as no devices after x time or no devices in the bedroom hate the rules but will admit (never to their parents) that the rules are probably for the best.

We've used the built-in services that are available for this - Microsoft family and a similar function that the boy's old android tablet had. I'd be very surprised if there's a way around MS family controls

My son has two devices - a Chromebook for school and a Windows laptop for everything else. The chromebook is only to be used in the lounge or kitchen and not his bedroom. It's school controlled but doesn't have time or app limits unlike his Windows laptop.

Fortunately he's not on any social media yet outside what's on Google through the chromebook but that's controlled and on his school account. Once he inevitably is, its use will not be allowed in his bedroom nor past a certain time of night. Trust will slowly be granted with age as he can prove it.

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Tinkerisk

4232 posts

Uber Geek

#2898666 8-Apr-2022 15:52

jonathan18:

It's also simply impractical and short-sighted to select a school based on whether they ban devices - many locations may not even have such a school, or even if they do other aspects of that school may be inappropriate (eg, I wouldn't be surprised if the local conservative boys' high school in my town has such a ban, but it's general ethos doesn't align with my family's; should I send my kid there just for this reason?).

Parenting is difficult. It's really not helped when arm-chair experts somehow think it's ok to present their own thoughts and experience as The Gospel. The worst is when those without kids do this!

Well, I don't know the school system in NZ as I live in a GER. I can only report what is living proof here currently doing his A-levels and preparing for university. I never said being a parent was easy, quite the opposite. It is a constant challenge to stay on the ball and not leave the children to their own devices (for whatever reason) or give in to the nerve of wanting what everyone has.

This has nothing at all to do with being conservative, but with the basic attitude of the parents, who often do not question themselves what effects their actions have on the children. It's a question of timing when children get contact with which things - like the moment they find out there's no Father Christmas. So I once knew (very, very briefly) parents who were in the social media business and were particularly proud that their 1.5 year old child could already handle the SmartTV remote. Sounds fun, but it's not.

Many parents give up far too quickly when it becomes inconvenient and what has taken hold is difficult to correct. Another factor is whether they deal with their children in elaborate or restrictive code, but that would take us too far here. We must have looked at 20 schools before we found the right one. Whoever violated the smartphone ban there had to do without the thing for a school year because it was locked away in the school, and?

What am I supposed to discuss here in big words about educational methods for children when adults already take strange approaches to looking for solutions in a (technology) forum instead of getting qualified advice from a competent place when they themselves cannot deal with the situation?

It always starts with the parents, grandparents, role models and the choice of environment, no matter what scientific studies are dug up (possibly even conscientiously financed by Google and Meta). Late, draconian bans alone don't work, my job as a father was to think ahead before the situation could develop in the wrong direction. Especially with children, you get back what you have invested (and I don't primarily mean money).

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gabba

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#2898826 8-Apr-2022 21:28

Despite all the software and checking we use to look after our kids online, I've never had an issue with what our kids do online. I'm sure they realise tho we keep an eye on them and potentially moderate their behaviour! However I have seen some interesting behaviour from some of the kids they communicate with online

Also wanting to thank all those parents that have good positive discussions about online risks with their kids, and take an active part in what their kids are doing online. It's your kids we don't have to worry about!

Cheers

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