Parents - how are you monitoring/controlling your teenagers access to social media?

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#2898829 8-Apr-2022 21:38

KDee:

blackjack17:

I can ask my classes what their parent's use, and what they do to get around it. Most are pretty open about it

This would be really interesting.

I would also be interested to know how self-aware they are around social media and whether they feel it's a net-benefit to them or if they know it's not good for them but don't have the tools/self-discipline to stop or moderate their usage.

Sounds like you have a really great relationship with your students - so good! 🤙

It's irrelevant whether social media is a net benefit anymore. It's part of normal life now. All you can really do is educate and communicate with your kids about it.

Loismustdye

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#2898878 9-Apr-2022 07:25

Tinkerisk:

Well, I don't know the school system in NZ as I live in a GER. I can only report what is living proof here currently doing his A-levels and preparing for university. I never said being a parent was easy, quite the opposite. It is a constant challenge to stay on the ball and not leave the children to their own devices (for whatever reason) or give in to the nerve of wanting what everyone has.

This has nothing at all to do with being conservative, but with the basic attitude of the parents, who often do not question themselves what effects their actions have on the children. It's a question of timing when children get contact with which things - like the moment they find out there's no Father Christmas. So I once knew (very, very briefly) parents who were in the social media business and were particularly proud that their 1.5 year old child could already handle the SmartTV remote. Sounds fun, but it's not.

Many parents give up far too quickly when it becomes inconvenient and what has taken hold is difficult to correct. Another factor is whether they deal with their children in elaborate or restrictive code, but that would take us too far here. We must have looked at 20 schools before we found the right one. Whoever violated the smartphone ban there had to do without the thing for a school year because it was locked away in the school, and?

What am I supposed to discuss here in big words about educational methods for children when adults already take strange approaches to looking for solutions in a (technology) forum instead of getting qualified advice from a competent place when they themselves cannot deal with the situation?

OP asked how people were dealing with technology for their teenagers in a technology forum - absolutely nothing wrong with that and makes complete sense that people in a tech based forum would have software or tech based approach to this.

BOT: I’ve been following in this thread given our twins are 9 and reaching the age where they will soon want the Facebook, toktok account etc.

we are hoping to take the approach where tech time is limited (as it is now since they have to ask if they can use their switches or iPads) and we get unfettered access to their devices and apps etc, but time will tell whether this approach will work with our kids (our kids are reasonably well behaved with stuff like this bu this can very easily change when then hit teenage years)

MadEngineer

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#2898996 9-Apr-2022 11:42

Our son is at intermediate and I do wonder if he'll even end up using facebook. He may end up using another platform altogether. He has never mentioned facebook outside of my wife and I interacting with family with video calls. A video call could be on any platform. Would be great if he avoided it TBH! There must be kids that are avoiding it?

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KDee

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#2898998 9-Apr-2022 11:46

MadEngineer:

Our son is at intermediate and I do wonder if he'll even end up using facebook. He may end up using another platform altogether. He has never mentioned facebook outside of my wife and I interacting with family with video calls. A video call could be on any platform. Would be great if he avoided it TBH! There must be kids that are avoiding it?

Apparently Facebook isn't the cool platform with kids. It's TikTok, Snapchat and Instagram roughly in that order.

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#2899039 9-Apr-2022 13:27

gabba:

Also wanting to thank all those parents that have good positive discussions about online risks with their kids, and take an active part in what their kids are doing online. It's your kids we don't have to worry about!

Cheers

This is very much wishful thinking. IME it's risky to pat oneself on the back because one has done the 'right things' - we did all of the above and more, and yet still ended up where we did.

In our situation, it was following the move of our kid to intermediate school that things went wrong. An amazingly different culture to the much more sheltered primary school our son had been at - for example, we found out later that apparently lots of kids would be talking about (and even watching) porn at school. Also, the term 'rape' was being used in the playground by kids as a synonym for wanting to have sex with someone (and we're talking about 11-13 YOs) - ie, 'she's hot, I want to rape her'.

I don't wish the kind of shit that we had to deal with upon any parent, even those pious enough to sit in judgement and somehow think any family that gets in this situation is a result of parental failures.

It's far safer to do all the 'right things' but also be ready for the times when something may still fail for whatever reason.

decibel

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#2899049 9-Apr-2022 14:18

I set my ISP's router to issue the IP address of OpenDNS as part of the DHCP process. I could then monitor the result as I have a family account / logon.

I know that @blackjack17 feels that kids will get around this but I am not so sure - my kids knew all about USING the internet but NOTHING about how it worked.

Nowadays however, if someone can afford it, kids will just use mobile data and as others have said, you really need a good relationship with your offspring.

blackjack17

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#2899055 9-Apr-2022 14:28

decibel:

I set my ISP's router to issue the IP address of OpenDNS as part of the DHCP process. I could then monitor the result as I have a family account / logon.

I know that @blackjack17 feels that kids will get around this but I am not so sure - my kids knew all about USING the internet but NOTHING about how it worked.

Nowadays however, if someone can afford it, kids will just use mobile data and as others have said, you really need a good relationship with your offspring.

By get around it I meant using an alternative device and their own data. :)

Most of my students have no idea how computers and the internet works. The school used to play wack a mole with vpns but as more students have their own data (often as part of a family account and so almost limitless) VPNs seem less popular.

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blackjack17

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#2899058 9-Apr-2022 14:39

KDee:

MadEngineer:

Our son is at intermediate and I do wonder if he'll even end up using facebook. He may end up using another platform altogether. He has never mentioned facebook outside of my wife and I interacting with family with video calls. A video call could be on any platform. Would be great if he avoided it TBH! There must be kids that are avoiding it?

Apparently Facebook isn't the cool platform with kids. It's TikTok, Snapchat and Instagram roughly in that order.

Facebook is for talking with the grandparents. Instagram was the big one a few years ago but tiktok has taken over. Snapchat is still the big one for messaging. During lockdowns "House party?" was popular I think.

Most of my kids have at least two accounts for each platform, ones they have no issues with parents seeing, ones that most of their friends and social network and others are on and one for just close friends that they use for venting and sharing private stuff. That is the one that you would most have to worry about. I have a couple of students that have had stuff shared from their private private accounts that they really didn't want shared.

(my school is not a representative school of the average school in NZ)

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Handle9

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#2899061 9-Apr-2022 14:46

jonathan18:
gabba:

Also wanting to thank all those parents that have good positive discussions about online risks with their kids, and take an active part in what their kids are doing online. It's your kids we don't have to worry about!

Cheers

This is very much wishful thinking. IME it's risky to pat oneself on the back because one has done the 'right things' - we did all of the above and more, and yet still ended up where we did.

In our situation, it was following the move of our kid to intermediate school that things went wrong. An amazingly different culture to the much more sheltered primary school our son had been at - for example, we found out later that apparently lots of kids would be talking about (and even watching) porn at school. Also, the term 'rape' was being used in the playground by kids as a synonym for wanting to have sex with someone (and we're talking about 11-13 YOs) - ie, 'she's hot, I want to rape her'.

I don't wish the kind of shit that we had to deal with upon any parent, even those pious enough to sit in judgement and somehow think any family that gets in this situation is a result of parental failures.

It's far safer to do all the 'right things' but also be ready for the times when something may still fail for whatever reason.

Kids are kids. Some of them will always do the “right” thing, some will always do the “wrong” thing, most will muddle along and do whatever everyone else is doing or what seems appealing.

Their brains aren’t developed and there’s a strange combination of parenting, genetics and luck that combines to make them do stupid, thoughtless or horrible crap. I certainly had my moments as a kid and I expect my kids to as well. That’s not because my parents were bad, it’s just kids developing.

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#2899064 9-Apr-2022 15:06

Handle9:

Kids are kids. Some of them will always do the “right” thing, some will always do the “wrong” thing, most will muddle along and do whatever everyone else is doing or what seems appealing.

Their brains aren’t developed and there’s a strange combination of parenting, genetics and luck that combines to make them do stupid, thoughtless or horrible crap. I certainly had my moments as a kid and I expect my kids to as well. That’s not because my parents were bad, it’s just kids developing.

Totally agree - such variability as to personality etc, and puberty adds even more volatility (and, so often, stupidity) into the mix.

I would be very surprised if we hit the same issues with my younger kid, given the different personality types, but we'll certainly be on the lookout for any signs.

insane

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#2899070 9-Apr-2022 15:21

I can strongly advise listening to Nathan Wallis, he's a child behaviourist / neuroscience teacher who helps to unpack how children's brains work. Quite fascinating stuff on brain development and behavioral patterns etc. Suddenly things you see make so much sense after listening to him.

He also gives tips on how to combat certain issues.

Our child is still quite young, so hopefully a little way away from the stuff mentioned above, but being prepared to spot the signs must be a good thing.

Tinkerisk

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#2899077 9-Apr-2022 15:53

Loismustdye:

OP asked how people were dealing with technology for their teenagers in a technology forum - absolutely nothing wrong with that and makes complete sense that people in a tech based forum would have software or tech based approach to this.

No, nothing wrong - but the OP wasn’t mentioned at all.

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#2899078 9-Apr-2022 15:59

blackjack17:

(my school is not a representative school of the average school in NZ)

R. Steiner or Waldorf?

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#2899079 9-Apr-2022 16:04

Tinkerisk:

blackjack17:

(my school is not a representative school of the average school in NZ)

R. Steiner or Waldorf?

Economic resources. blackjack17 is a teacher at a private school.

Tinkerisk

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#2899092 9-Apr-2022 16:40

Unfortunately, you can't plan children's development in advance. What you can do, however, is to set a framework so skilfully that they can move freely without hindering their development. In the case of our children, it already started in kindergarten. This time is more important than many parents think - it is there that foundation stones are laid that are crucial for personality. If children are "simply" kept there because parents have to go about their jobs, then you are already putting yourself at an incalculable risk if you make the wrong choice.

Our decision was quickly made when I became aware of a letter of recommendation from a primary school headmistress of a very good school in which she explicitly attested to the kindergarten of our future choice that she would want to accept prospective pupils from there at any time, because according to her many years of experience, they were pretty much the only children who could sit still in their seats at all and were able to follow the lessons (I don't want to know where all the AHDS cases suddenly came from, but that's another matter). In the kindergarten, there was a strict but extremely loving regime and for the children it was clearly a joy to interact with the caregivers and follow the rules - there was also immediate feedback on the parents' house if. I often had to smile inwardly, but I always took him seriously and I think he felt that too.

There, the foundations were laid for trust that has always made us access to the children, even though it became more difficult, and the limits in puberty had to be tried of course. It's incredibly hard with whom you love to be consistent and sometimes hard to be hard, but as a wise saying says, "If you want your child to become unhappy, then fill him every wish."

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